I Have Ridden a Train [Trains]
Me being the bustling example of manliness that Jesus wishes he was (some dude tried nailing me to a cross and that happened is he bent his nails and cried; true story except for all of it), I'm normally absolutely fine with having my face sat on. The only advantage to having a face like mine is that it's fat and squishy like a beanbag, so it kind of makes sense evolutionary.
However when I'm just sitting on the train minding my own business/watching audition videos for my cult/pretending to be asleep because I don't want the pregnant woman to steal my seat (technically she has more feet and legs than I do, so she's better suited to standing anyway), I don't expect to suddenly get a butt press against my nose.
I will accept that I might have been leaning over a little, probably trying to hide my impressive bulge from all the perverted women who flock to my train. The train companies will have you believe that all the trains are like that and it's just called "rush hour", but I think we all know the truth. However if I am leaning over then a polite "excuse me" or a gentle shove will normally shift me out of the way enough for anyone to slip past.
Not today though. Monday must be the day where manners overslept and this beast decided to let them lie-in and went to work without them.
If you're anything like me, you get into regular kung-fu gun-fights, so you know when life starts to move in slow motion, Matrix style, and that's what happened. I felt the warmth on my cheek, and I started to turn to check that I hadn't accidentally let my sex appeal spill over and set some dude on fire. But this meant instead that I turned directly into the invading arse. She didn't back down, I couldn't react in time to back away, and so instead my nose pressed across the full width of one cheek, her coarse trousers peeling layers off my snout.
There was a brief moment where I could breath again as my nose slipped between the crack, and then I was getting dragged. I'm not saying she clenched on purpose, but it was either that or she works out by crushing walnuts in her buns and it was a natural reflex. Either way my face got taken for a bit of a journey.
When I finally sprang back out of the afterlife and came back to reality, she took her seat just across from me and down one. She had a look on her face that I imagine I had. I don't think either of us were at fault, but I don't think either of us were blameless, so it was mostly stunned silence as we looked at each other for a moment.
It was an interesting way to start the week. And next time I'm invoicing her. First one is free.
However when I'm just sitting on the train minding my own business/watching audition videos for my cult/pretending to be asleep because I don't want the pregnant woman to steal my seat (technically she has more feet and legs than I do, so she's better suited to standing anyway), I don't expect to suddenly get a butt press against my nose.
I will accept that I might have been leaning over a little, probably trying to hide my impressive bulge from all the perverted women who flock to my train. The train companies will have you believe that all the trains are like that and it's just called "rush hour", but I think we all know the truth. However if I am leaning over then a polite "excuse me" or a gentle shove will normally shift me out of the way enough for anyone to slip past.
Not today though. Monday must be the day where manners overslept and this beast decided to let them lie-in and went to work without them.
If you're anything like me, you get into regular kung-fu gun-fights, so you know when life starts to move in slow motion, Matrix style, and that's what happened. I felt the warmth on my cheek, and I started to turn to check that I hadn't accidentally let my sex appeal spill over and set some dude on fire. But this meant instead that I turned directly into the invading arse. She didn't back down, I couldn't react in time to back away, and so instead my nose pressed across the full width of one cheek, her coarse trousers peeling layers off my snout.
There was a brief moment where I could breath again as my nose slipped between the crack, and then I was getting dragged. I'm not saying she clenched on purpose, but it was either that or she works out by crushing walnuts in her buns and it was a natural reflex. Either way my face got taken for a bit of a journey.
When I finally sprang back out of the afterlife and came back to reality, she took her seat just across from me and down one. She had a look on her face that I imagine I had. I don't think either of us were at fault, but I don't think either of us were blameless, so it was mostly stunned silence as we looked at each other for a moment.
It was an interesting way to start the week. And next time I'm invoicing her. First one is free.
41-45, M
