My great achievement today
Today was such a stressful day! I spent a lot of time making sure that I know how to reach the place I am supposed to meet my tour tomorrow, which is in downtown Toronto. I researched a lot, but I was STILL not sure. There are just soooo many ways to get lost. Eastern/western/north/south subway stations and bounds and I am supposed somehow to get the right combination of these directions to reach my destination O.o
I really felt the only way to know is to just try to get there today, because I cannot leave it for tomorrow to figure out. The minute I entered the subway, for some reason my internet connection went off! I was like; ah great, because I am that bright to figure things out without google! It came back after it gave me such a freak out.
As the subway moved further, I started feeling the same feeling on my first day on the first grade :( Back then, I got lost after the day was done, and I kept going across buses asking about my street, while also dragging another kid with me and asking on her behalf (I guess it has always been the case with me, pretending to be the know it all and taking care of others, while I haven't got a clue and can't take care of myself O.o).
It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I reached my destination quickly .. Yes, I had to ask many people on the way, and I had to check the maps and another app, and I kept moving in circles, but it is okay, I still got there fairly quickly without getting completely lost.
I figured since I am in downtown, i should explore a little. Too hectic for me, and I have to say, people need to wear some sort of break lights in order to not crash into each other O.o The annoying part was that EVERYONE knew exactly where they were headed!! Everyone except me!! I mean, come on, why everyone is walking with such confidence? 🤷♀️ Going from a subway terminal to another, from a door to another.. No one is lost? Is it only me who is walking slowly with a map!! I am usually a fast walker, but not when I am following a map!
As stressful and uncomfortable today was, I feel happy that I went back and forth and didn't really struggle as much as I imagined or get completely lost. I think being in a strange place made me extra careful, hence did not ride the wrong subway I would easily do back where i live, I just don't give much attention back there and try my luck lol.. Then when I was back to my neighbourhood and felt the familiarity and as if it is easy to get around, it hit me; isn't this the place that was so strange just two days ago.. !
It is true I still feel very cold and strange, but I also feel now that it is just a matter of time... Not expecting this feeling to go away anytime soon either.. just saying that it will take a long time until I get the hang of things and feel some warmth and security. Because, it is not like I am in my best mental state. There isn't a day that passes by when I don't think of my mother. People ask me why I didn't move right away, well, I might write with sarcasm about my silly struggles, but these little things can be very stressful when you are already mentally weak. I need time and I hope when the time comes, I will be stronger and braver than now. Because right now, I am not.
I really felt the only way to know is to just try to get there today, because I cannot leave it for tomorrow to figure out. The minute I entered the subway, for some reason my internet connection went off! I was like; ah great, because I am that bright to figure things out without google! It came back after it gave me such a freak out.
As the subway moved further, I started feeling the same feeling on my first day on the first grade :( Back then, I got lost after the day was done, and I kept going across buses asking about my street, while also dragging another kid with me and asking on her behalf (I guess it has always been the case with me, pretending to be the know it all and taking care of others, while I haven't got a clue and can't take care of myself O.o).
It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I reached my destination quickly .. Yes, I had to ask many people on the way, and I had to check the maps and another app, and I kept moving in circles, but it is okay, I still got there fairly quickly without getting completely lost.
I figured since I am in downtown, i should explore a little. Too hectic for me, and I have to say, people need to wear some sort of break lights in order to not crash into each other O.o The annoying part was that EVERYONE knew exactly where they were headed!! Everyone except me!! I mean, come on, why everyone is walking with such confidence? 🤷♀️ Going from a subway terminal to another, from a door to another.. No one is lost? Is it only me who is walking slowly with a map!! I am usually a fast walker, but not when I am following a map!
As stressful and uncomfortable today was, I feel happy that I went back and forth and didn't really struggle as much as I imagined or get completely lost. I think being in a strange place made me extra careful, hence did not ride the wrong subway I would easily do back where i live, I just don't give much attention back there and try my luck lol.. Then when I was back to my neighbourhood and felt the familiarity and as if it is easy to get around, it hit me; isn't this the place that was so strange just two days ago.. !
It is true I still feel very cold and strange, but I also feel now that it is just a matter of time... Not expecting this feeling to go away anytime soon either.. just saying that it will take a long time until I get the hang of things and feel some warmth and security. Because, it is not like I am in my best mental state. There isn't a day that passes by when I don't think of my mother. People ask me why I didn't move right away, well, I might write with sarcasm about my silly struggles, but these little things can be very stressful when you are already mentally weak. I need time and I hope when the time comes, I will be stronger and braver than now. Because right now, I am not.
31-35, F
