What do you usually cry about? And how are you responding to that thing?

Your thoughtful questions are too much for my scrambled brain right now, but I'm going to try to think about this... Good luck in reading.

I have the idea that I'm constantly grieving, in a state of loss, and not restricted to the past, but future opportunities as well, and simply not knowing what the outcome will be, worrying about all the horrible things that are most likely to happen in time, worrying about how shitty things are right now and how the world should be, how I can't fulfill expectations of others or myself, etc. I worry so much about everything, and I'm so affected by my present condition that it's often debilitating, in terms of seeking out reasons to be satisfied or even content or present. I'm not satisfied with the way things are in my life and in others' lives, in this world-society. I'm perpetually uncomfortable and discontented, and I want to change the world. I want to help people out, and I want to help myself, and I want help, and I have ideals that are impossible for one person to fulfill alone, so I set myself up for disappointment... Knowing that people will never be satisfied with what I do or don't do, realizing they don't need my help (or don't want it), or that no matter how hard I try, there is no guarantee to achieving a positive result in my life or someone else's, and feeling the loss as I try and fail to conduct myself in a way that aids the masses... Well, it's a lot of pressure that I put on myself, and it's exhausting, and it often sends me into hiding.

I used to use marijuana to cope, but I quit, and now, during those episodes of isolation I experience a state of disassociation and a kind of high, where I just don't feel anything at all... I disconnect from myself. Occasionally (not rarely) I think the world might be better off without me, or it's just not worth the struggle, and I think about dying--killing myself, I guess. These episodes have occurred more often within the last two years, and the disconnection has become more severe as I desperately try to find my "place" in the world, and, basically, a reason for not only existing but for directing my efforts, passion, energy, resources in a manner that challenges the popular way of life while still helping others. I haven't found a strong reason for my own benefit for existing; I don't think people were ever meant to be alone, and I have a hard time doing things for myself, and I'm lost as to what I'll do for work (an area most US Americans define themselves with)... But as long as I can help others, and if nothing else, I must have a reason to live.

I realize you asked about crying, but for me, it's so much more than just tears... I cry for others, I cry for myself, I cry for the animals and the dying Earth, I cry for things far beyond my control or influence... I put the weight of the world on my back and I still don't understand why I can't do more to help or help myself. Maybe I'll get there. I guess I'm trying.