My PTSD saved my life tonight.
This isn't a question. It's a story. The story set up sucks.
I've been suffering with ptsd, depression and anxiety for years now. I won't go into what brought it on.
For a long time, I've felt worthless, I've felt like a burden to anyone who gets near me, which in turn has turned me into quite the recluse. Ive not had any real social contact for years.
Anyway, tonight I decided enough was enough I was going to end it all. I've had it planned for a while.
I took my dogs out for a last long walk together, treated us all to our favourite food gave them a fuss left them plenty of food and water and left the house.
I got in my car and I drove to my favourite spot in the woods. I sat there numb for a while just looking up at the stars, taking in all the sounds.
About an hour passed and I decided it was time. I went to my car boot and took out my hose I'd brought to hook up to my exhaust. I turned my torch on on my phone so I could see, bent down and screwed the hose to the exhaust with a jubilee clip.
I threaded the house around to my passenger side window, clamped it in place and filled the gap that was left with some towels.
I went back around to the drivers side opened the door and sat in the car, completely numb, vacant. I had my local police Facebook open with a message ready to send to them as I felt my self falling unconscious. giving my location and apologising for all the hassle I was about to cause them, I didn't want anyone else to stumble across my body unawares. I put my keys in the ignition. I sat there for a while just holding onto the keys, phone in hand and as I was about to turn the key, a flashback type experience started, except, it wasn't a flashback, it was a flash forward. I don't know how long I was zoned out for. Longer than usual though. I saw my family, devastated, I saw them falling apart, I saw my friends blaming them selves, I saw my dogs being passed from one person to another, finally ending up in a kennels and finally being put down. I snapped back to reality, with a realisation of how selfish I was being and how people really do care and how those dogs rely on me, I know it might sound silly but they're my best friends.
I unclipped the hose and drove home to my dogs happy faces and wagging tails waiting for me to come home. I'm so glad I did. I'm exhausted now. Mentally, physically, emotionally, my head is pounding. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight.
I've been suffering with ptsd, depression and anxiety for years now. I won't go into what brought it on.
For a long time, I've felt worthless, I've felt like a burden to anyone who gets near me, which in turn has turned me into quite the recluse. Ive not had any real social contact for years.
Anyway, tonight I decided enough was enough I was going to end it all. I've had it planned for a while.
I took my dogs out for a last long walk together, treated us all to our favourite food gave them a fuss left them plenty of food and water and left the house.
I got in my car and I drove to my favourite spot in the woods. I sat there numb for a while just looking up at the stars, taking in all the sounds.
About an hour passed and I decided it was time. I went to my car boot and took out my hose I'd brought to hook up to my exhaust. I turned my torch on on my phone so I could see, bent down and screwed the hose to the exhaust with a jubilee clip.
I threaded the house around to my passenger side window, clamped it in place and filled the gap that was left with some towels.
I went back around to the drivers side opened the door and sat in the car, completely numb, vacant. I had my local police Facebook open with a message ready to send to them as I felt my self falling unconscious. giving my location and apologising for all the hassle I was about to cause them, I didn't want anyone else to stumble across my body unawares. I put my keys in the ignition. I sat there for a while just holding onto the keys, phone in hand and as I was about to turn the key, a flashback type experience started, except, it wasn't a flashback, it was a flash forward. I don't know how long I was zoned out for. Longer than usual though. I saw my family, devastated, I saw them falling apart, I saw my friends blaming them selves, I saw my dogs being passed from one person to another, finally ending up in a kennels and finally being put down. I snapped back to reality, with a realisation of how selfish I was being and how people really do care and how those dogs rely on me, I know it might sound silly but they're my best friends.
I unclipped the hose and drove home to my dogs happy faces and wagging tails waiting for me to come home. I'm so glad I did. I'm exhausted now. Mentally, physically, emotionally, my head is pounding. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight.
36-40, M
