What's the unhappiest you've ever felt?
What has made you the saddest you've been in life? What's the most miserable you've ever been?
I didn't know where to put this, but I might as well make it a question and hear other stories.
I've seen a fair share of death in my life, especially as an ER volunteer where they got a call of a dying infant. Everyone gathered while the doctors and EMT's tried for thirty minutes to save the kid's life, but eventually not even medical tech could save him. I thought I was alright, but as I was doing rounds a few minutes later, I saw the baby's father kneeling by the bed and holding the baby's hand. His whole body radiated grief; he'd lost everything to him.
But I got through that without a tear. Then last night our cat abandoned her litter of kittens...
I held one of them in my hands, desperately trying to warm him and slowly squeezing drops of formula into his mouth. And for a good fifteen minutes the little guy hung on. But then he stopped moving. I breathed into his mouth and gently pushed his chest, but he was gone. Such a long, slow death. It's really affected me, I think because it died in my hands and I was unable to save it. What's your current reason for being unhappy? What is the happiest experience you've ever had in your life? So far? The six months that I lived in Kyoto. It was the first time I'd ever lived totally on my own, supported by my own savings, no responsibilities, free to get up when I want, go where I want, and live however I felt like. I had an entire city as my playground, and I lived smack in the middle of downtown, so I could literally walk two minutes outside my door and be at a shopping arcade. In my immediate vicinity were multiple story video game arcades, restaurants of all kinds, a fresh food market... you name it, and it was probably within a fifteen minute walking distance. I could even walk to the zoo.
The other day I was snuggling on my SO's belly while he played with my hair. We were watching some movie and smoking hookah and he turned my head randomly and kissed my forehead. He didn't say anything. Just went back to absently playing with my hair and watching tv. I was kinda shocked cause he isn't very affectionate. After it sunk in I cuddle closer and held his hand and finished the movie. The whole time I was so happy.
I'm 20 next month and it's been consistent depressions and numbing plateaus, the best I've felt is good, or when I've heard a funny joke.
I'm finished my first year of college and I'm home for the summer, because I've been unable to find any summer job I've just been sat at home, or handing out CV's like a fucking idiot. As a result my parents deem me a burden who must work around the house, which basically entails they're garden project. Any job that would usually be shared is given to me since 'I'm not doing anything anyways'.. I don't mind helping out but it's ridiculous when I'm expected to wash the fancy metal gates, paint the stupid metal gates and then repainted them again on top of the regular work.
But I've nothing to do, I just feel like staying in my room, my friends just want to go and drive around because they won't spend money to go anywhere or do anything unless it entails going out getting too drunk leaving a few of us to mind them for the night.
I just feel sick, I dislike my college course but I like it more than being at home, I just don't want to be here and there is nowhere else for me to go. I went out to my brothers birthday and just felt shit, I wanted to go home the second we left the house.
I want to be genuinely happy, going out and getting drunk doesn't even work anymore. I've got no girl(s) in my life, anyone I was involved with went home after college. I'm just at home, doing odd jobs, wanting to not be at home while simultaneously not wanting to leave my bed.
I don't know what's the first step, where do I start? Finding a job isn't that easy because it's rural Ireland and unless you are a relation of the owner you won't get work, or unless your daddy has some pulling power. I just want to be happier than I am right now and for it to no be fleeting happiness like when I watch a funny movie.
I was almost exactly like you, up until very recently. I finished my first year of college (Maynooth if you're curious) and when I went home for the summer I became extremely depressed. I couldn't find a job, and developed huge anxiety over even applying for them, and I only became more depressed because of the anxiety. I was a burden on my family, had no income to do anything, was too embarrassed of my situation that I would rarely go see friends in case they asked me "what have you been doing lately?", because my answer would literally be nothing. It's really hard to find a job when you don't have any connections and you don't have experience, trust me, I know. I went back for second year thinking it would cure me, but I got 10x worse. I feared for my life, I couldn't leave my apartment. I didn't go to class, do assignments, I was beyond depressed. Eventually dropped out in January on medical grounds, and stayed as depressed at home. My sleeping pattern got fucked (sleeping at 6am, waking up well into the afternoon), I stopped eating, didn't leave the house etc.
I managed to apply for some jobs, failed one interview, that knocked me back pretty severely. Didn't hear back from basically anything I applied for. I applied for a job in a garage that was advertised on Facebook, got a call for an interview, went for it thinking nothing of it, and later that day she called me and offered the job. Now I'm making ~300 quid a week and finally feel like I can put my life back together, but if you told me that only ~2 months ago I would have said no, it doesn't get better. I was literally on the verge of suicide, seeing multiple professionals and on medication. I want you to PM me, your situation resonates with me. I'm all for chatting with you because I want to see you come out the other side, and I want to show you that it really can get better, and I'm an example of that. I'll answer any questions and everything in private chat. And yeah, you and your parents are going to absolutely fight. You are being a really bad roommate, and they are fed up, and you want freedom and independence, but you don't have anywhere to go or any money. It's not a good combo. Your parents aren't going to let you crash at their house rent-free, eating their food, creating more work for them, while you laze away in bed all summer, of course they are going to give you shit jobs. They will create shit jobs for you. And it's good that they're doing that because even though you hate it, if you lay in bed all day you'll get depressed. So they're doing the right thing.
If I were you, I would do something - ANYTHING.
A few ideas:
If you have a local library, go there when your parents are home, and spend a few hours there. Your parents want - no - NEED you out of their house for a few hours a day, so do it. They will get off your case for a bit, and you'll get out of the house. Read a book, use the internet, whatever. Just give your parents some much-needed space. Take a free online programming class and practice every day. KhanAcademy.com and Codecademy are great places to start.
Take a walk every day. You live in rural Ireland. My 2 friends just paid a boatload of money to visit rural Ireland and they haven't stopped talking about how amazing and beautiful it is, and now I would sell my left arm to go there. So pretend you're me and walk around and be like "Holy shit, this place is amazing, everything is beyond beautiful and everyone here has a gorgeous melodic accent. And that is a real Irish pub, the likes of which I have only read about in books." And then come back here and tell me about your adventures while I cry because I can't afford to make the trip to rural Ireland, and you get to LIVE there.
Just try to keep yourself occupied. It's hard but you really don't want to slide into that feeling of total apathy, laying in bed, where your Mom says "I need you in the garden," and your reaction is furious anger because you wanted to just lay in bed more, instead of feeling glad you can be of help. Don't let yourself give in to those feelings, because depression is a stone cold bitch and it can start with this kind of apathy. Good luck.
I didn't know where to put this, but I might as well make it a question and hear other stories.
I've seen a fair share of death in my life, especially as an ER volunteer where they got a call of a dying infant. Everyone gathered while the doctors and EMT's tried for thirty minutes to save the kid's life, but eventually not even medical tech could save him. I thought I was alright, but as I was doing rounds a few minutes later, I saw the baby's father kneeling by the bed and holding the baby's hand. His whole body radiated grief; he'd lost everything to him.
But I got through that without a tear. Then last night our cat abandoned her litter of kittens...
I held one of them in my hands, desperately trying to warm him and slowly squeezing drops of formula into his mouth. And for a good fifteen minutes the little guy hung on. But then he stopped moving. I breathed into his mouth and gently pushed his chest, but he was gone. Such a long, slow death. It's really affected me, I think because it died in my hands and I was unable to save it. What's your current reason for being unhappy? What is the happiest experience you've ever had in your life? So far? The six months that I lived in Kyoto. It was the first time I'd ever lived totally on my own, supported by my own savings, no responsibilities, free to get up when I want, go where I want, and live however I felt like. I had an entire city as my playground, and I lived smack in the middle of downtown, so I could literally walk two minutes outside my door and be at a shopping arcade. In my immediate vicinity were multiple story video game arcades, restaurants of all kinds, a fresh food market... you name it, and it was probably within a fifteen minute walking distance. I could even walk to the zoo.
The other day I was snuggling on my SO's belly while he played with my hair. We were watching some movie and smoking hookah and he turned my head randomly and kissed my forehead. He didn't say anything. Just went back to absently playing with my hair and watching tv. I was kinda shocked cause he isn't very affectionate. After it sunk in I cuddle closer and held his hand and finished the movie. The whole time I was so happy.
I'm 20 next month and it's been consistent depressions and numbing plateaus, the best I've felt is good, or when I've heard a funny joke.
I'm finished my first year of college and I'm home for the summer, because I've been unable to find any summer job I've just been sat at home, or handing out CV's like a fucking idiot. As a result my parents deem me a burden who must work around the house, which basically entails they're garden project. Any job that would usually be shared is given to me since 'I'm not doing anything anyways'.. I don't mind helping out but it's ridiculous when I'm expected to wash the fancy metal gates, paint the stupid metal gates and then repainted them again on top of the regular work.
But I've nothing to do, I just feel like staying in my room, my friends just want to go and drive around because they won't spend money to go anywhere or do anything unless it entails going out getting too drunk leaving a few of us to mind them for the night.
I just feel sick, I dislike my college course but I like it more than being at home, I just don't want to be here and there is nowhere else for me to go. I went out to my brothers birthday and just felt shit, I wanted to go home the second we left the house.
I want to be genuinely happy, going out and getting drunk doesn't even work anymore. I've got no girl(s) in my life, anyone I was involved with went home after college. I'm just at home, doing odd jobs, wanting to not be at home while simultaneously not wanting to leave my bed.
I don't know what's the first step, where do I start? Finding a job isn't that easy because it's rural Ireland and unless you are a relation of the owner you won't get work, or unless your daddy has some pulling power. I just want to be happier than I am right now and for it to no be fleeting happiness like when I watch a funny movie.
I was almost exactly like you, up until very recently. I finished my first year of college (Maynooth if you're curious) and when I went home for the summer I became extremely depressed. I couldn't find a job, and developed huge anxiety over even applying for them, and I only became more depressed because of the anxiety. I was a burden on my family, had no income to do anything, was too embarrassed of my situation that I would rarely go see friends in case they asked me "what have you been doing lately?", because my answer would literally be nothing. It's really hard to find a job when you don't have any connections and you don't have experience, trust me, I know. I went back for second year thinking it would cure me, but I got 10x worse. I feared for my life, I couldn't leave my apartment. I didn't go to class, do assignments, I was beyond depressed. Eventually dropped out in January on medical grounds, and stayed as depressed at home. My sleeping pattern got fucked (sleeping at 6am, waking up well into the afternoon), I stopped eating, didn't leave the house etc.
I managed to apply for some jobs, failed one interview, that knocked me back pretty severely. Didn't hear back from basically anything I applied for. I applied for a job in a garage that was advertised on Facebook, got a call for an interview, went for it thinking nothing of it, and later that day she called me and offered the job. Now I'm making ~300 quid a week and finally feel like I can put my life back together, but if you told me that only ~2 months ago I would have said no, it doesn't get better. I was literally on the verge of suicide, seeing multiple professionals and on medication. I want you to PM me, your situation resonates with me. I'm all for chatting with you because I want to see you come out the other side, and I want to show you that it really can get better, and I'm an example of that. I'll answer any questions and everything in private chat. And yeah, you and your parents are going to absolutely fight. You are being a really bad roommate, and they are fed up, and you want freedom and independence, but you don't have anywhere to go or any money. It's not a good combo. Your parents aren't going to let you crash at their house rent-free, eating their food, creating more work for them, while you laze away in bed all summer, of course they are going to give you shit jobs. They will create shit jobs for you. And it's good that they're doing that because even though you hate it, if you lay in bed all day you'll get depressed. So they're doing the right thing.
If I were you, I would do something - ANYTHING.
A few ideas:
If you have a local library, go there when your parents are home, and spend a few hours there. Your parents want - no - NEED you out of their house for a few hours a day, so do it. They will get off your case for a bit, and you'll get out of the house. Read a book, use the internet, whatever. Just give your parents some much-needed space. Take a free online programming class and practice every day. KhanAcademy.com and Codecademy are great places to start.
Take a walk every day. You live in rural Ireland. My 2 friends just paid a boatload of money to visit rural Ireland and they haven't stopped talking about how amazing and beautiful it is, and now I would sell my left arm to go there. So pretend you're me and walk around and be like "Holy shit, this place is amazing, everything is beyond beautiful and everyone here has a gorgeous melodic accent. And that is a real Irish pub, the likes of which I have only read about in books." And then come back here and tell me about your adventures while I cry because I can't afford to make the trip to rural Ireland, and you get to LIVE there.
Just try to keep yourself occupied. It's hard but you really don't want to slide into that feeling of total apathy, laying in bed, where your Mom says "I need you in the garden," and your reaction is furious anger because you wanted to just lay in bed more, instead of feeling glad you can be of help. Don't let yourself give in to those feelings, because depression is a stone cold bitch and it can start with this kind of apathy. Good luck.
