Santa's Christmas
I lay flat on the rooftop, eyes on the scope, scanning the dark alley.
Christmas eve.
Santa was scheduled to arrive soon. He'd be passing by, climbing into chimneys and windows, dropping gifts, chomping down on cookies and probably b^nging some unsuspecting man's wife.
The radio cackled.
"Any signs of Santa?"
I responded, "Nope!"
"So whatchu gonn' do when you catch the fat bast^rd?"
I sighed. "Sam, keep the channel clear."
"I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in his fat ^ss!"
"Sam, be patient," I said quietly.
"Oh I'm patient alright! Soon as you see his fat ^ss you let me know!"
I moved the scope, until I spotted the man on the radio.
He blended perfectly into the shadows.
The only signs of his existence was the red light on his radio.
"Sam, I can see your radio light."
The light moved up, "Whatchu want me to do? Shove the radio up my ^ss?"
"Keep it cool."
"Stop watching me and look for Santa!" He snapped.
"Alright."
It was freezing cold outside.
I glanced at my watch.
10:00 p.m.
Where was he? I wondered.
We'd been on watch for close to two hours now.
I pushed the button on the radio. "Sam, how are you doing?"
He answered immediately. "Fvcking freezing my b^lls off! That's how I'm doing!"
"D'you want to come up here?" I asked.
"Fvck no! I got dibs on this motherfvcker!"
"Now remember what I said, we need him alive."
"I remember everything! Do your fvcking job and stay out of mine!"
I sighed.
We were both quiet for what seemed like an eternity.
I scanned the area again.
No signs of Santa.
Suddenly, the radio cackled. "Roy?"
"I'm listening."
"I hear something."
I scanned the area again.
A pair of headlights approaching our way.
"It's a car," I whispered.
There was no answer.
I scanned Sam's position. No red light. He must've turned his radio off and concealed himself.
My finger eased onto the tr!gger, as I watched the car approaching.
It entered our alley, and parked at the end of it.
The headlights turned off.
The driver's door opened, and a f!gure in a red hat and fluffy red suit stepped out.
Santa!
I slowed down my breath, as I watched Santa open the trunk of the car, and lift a bag out of it.
Suddenly, another f!gure stepped outside the shadows.
Sam!
Quick as a cat, he eased up on the unsuspecting Santa, and pulled the giant bag over his head.
Then I heard a scream, which was immediately muffled.
I jumped up and raced for the door, flying down the stairs, praying, hoping, that Sam hadn't pvnched Santa's ticket.
When I reached the alley, there was nobody there.
I slid my back against the walls, eyes open, searching.
No sign of either of them.
Suddenly I heard a loud whisper. "Roy!"
I turned around and saw him kneeling over a pile of what appeared to be Santa.
But it wasn't.
It wasn't Santa.
It was a woman.
That explained the scream.
Who was she?
And what the hell was she doing here?
"This isn't Santa," I whispered.
"No sh!t!" Sam replied.
We both stared at the beautiful pale face, eyes closed.
I looked up at Sam. He raised his hands and shrugged, "Hey, it wasn't me! She bumped her head into the wall while trying to b!te me!"
"What happened to the chloroform?"
"I didn't bring it," he said sheepishly.
My eyes narrowed.
"Hey! We were going to whoop Santa's ^ss anyway! Who needs chloroform when you can knock his fat ^ss out? Besides, I didn't know this b!tch would turn up here instead of Santa!"
"So you knocked her out?"
"No! She bumped into the wall. You're not listening motherfvcker! Open your ears!"
I took a deep breath, and sighed, "Alright."
"What do we do now?" He asked.
I shrugged, "We'll carry her to the rooftop, and wait for Santa."
"What about her?"
"When she comes to, we'll question her, then let her go."
I stared at the lady. She was wearing Santa's suit. And hat.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Sam said.
"Santa's a woman."
"Exactly!"
"Orrr...Or she could be Santa's wife," I said, more thoughtfully.
"Come on Roy! Do you really believe that sh!t? You know the old man would be b^nging a lot of wh0res this season!"
"So?"
"So there's no way a pretty face like this would be shacked up with that cheating bast^rd all year long."
I nodded, "Unless they're both sw!ngers."
Sam shook his head, "You need to stop spending time on that deg3ner^te website Roy! Similar Worlds is f^ntasy land. Don't let it get into your head!"
"Alright."
"You look out for Santa, and I'll keep an eye on this b!tch," Sam said.
"Planning to knock her out again?"
His eyes narrowed, "I told you she did it to herself. If you try to insinuate that I h!t her again, you'll be real sorry!"
"Alright."
If he said he didn't do it, then he didn't do it.
I scanned the area for Santa while Sam sat and watched the woman.
11:30 p.m.
There was still no signs of any other Santa.
Sam had dozed off. His head lay on his knees.
Poor guy.
He'd had a tough life.
Suddenly the Santa lady stirred.
Sam jolted awake.
Son of a b!tch. He was still d3adly as ever.
"Well well well! Look who's awake!" Sam grumbled, getting up.
He pulled a kn!fe from his pocket, and knelt beside her.
I watched him quietly, as he put his arm around her and stuck the kn!fe under her thr0at. "Sshhh!" he whispered in her ear.
Her eyes widened with sh0ck, as she stared at me.
"Sam, put that down," I said quietly.
He glared at me. "Don't interrupt me when I'm working!"
I held my hands up.
"Alright woman, I got some questions for you. Nod your head if you understand me!" Sam said in a cold voice.
She nodded.
"Who are you?" He asked.
"I'm Santa."
"BULLSH!T!" He roared.
"No!" She was shaking with fear. "It's true!"
"You're Santa?" He asked again.
"Yes!"
Sam looked at me. "Can you believe this sh!t! Must be that Swecret Santa from that deg3ner^te site of yours or something!"
I looked at the lady. "Are you Swecret Santa?"
"What?"
"Answer the man!" Sam snapped.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" she said fearfully.
"Swecret Santa. Do you know her?" I asked.
"No!" She started cry!ng.
"So Santa's a woman now?" Sam asked out loud. "Fvck!"
He released her and stood up, muttering angrily to himself.
"You alright man?" I asked him.
He raised his hand, "Give me a minute!"
I nodded.
"FVCK FVCK FVCK FVCK FVCKITY FVCK FVCK FVCK!"
He k!cked and pvnched into the air, moving away from us.
"Are you alright?" I asked Santa, kneeling down next to her.
"Yes. My head hurts a bit," she replied.
"Are you really Santa?" I asked her.
"Yes. How many times are you going to ask me that?"
"I always thought Santa was a man."
"He d!ed a few years ago. I'm the new Santa," she said.
"Oh."
"Why do you guys want to hurt me?" she asked.
"We don't. We were looking for Santa."
"But I'm Santa."
"Not you. The old man with a beer b3lly and white heard."
"And why were you looking for him?" she asked.
I stared at her.
"What?" She looked at me with curiosity.
"I was going to ask him some questions."
"What questions?" she asked.
"32 years of undelivered gifts. Why didn't he deliver my wishlist?"
She shook her head, "I don't know."
"What about you? Did you bring me any gifts this year?" I asked.
She looked down and shook her head, "No."
"Do you know who I am?"
She nodded.
"So you recognize me?"
She nodded again.
"Do you know who he is?" I glanced toward Sam.
"Yes."
"Did you bring him any gifts?"
"No."
"You should leave," I suggested, "Now."
"I'm sorry. I'll get you something next year," she said softly.
I stared at her, "I don't need anything from you."
"Don't take it personally."
"But it is personal, ain't it? You've been going out giving everyone gifts, but you've never got me anything. Why?"
"I'm sorry Roy," she said, looking away.
"You should leave. Before he gets any ideas," I said, nodded towards Sam.
Too late.
"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" Sam growled, as he approached us.
"Go! Go now!" I whispered, as I shoved her behind me.
"Roy! Where the fvck is she going? She's Santa isn't she?"
"Go! Now!" I urged her on as I intercepted Sam.
"Roy! Don't let her get away!" Sam said as he rushed towards her.
"Sam! Let her go!" I called out as I moved in stop him.
I lunged at Sam and took him down.
"Roy you stvpid bast^rd! You fvcking pr!ck!" Sam yelled at me as he punched me.
"Stop! Sam! Stop it!"
"You motherfvcking traitor! You let her go! Stvpid son of a b!tch!" Sam growled as we rolled around on the rooftop.
"Stop it Sam! Calm down!"
He was enraged. His punches landed in my face, my shoulders, my arms, and my ribs.
There was no stopping him.
"SAAAAAM!" I yelled, finally losing my patience with him.
"Fvcking - son - of a - b!tch!" I punched him repeatedly, my blows throwing him back.
I got him in a ch0kehold and tightened my grip, as he struggled to break free.
"Stop it Sam! Or I'm going to k!ll us both," I said through gritted teeth.
He stopped f!ghting back and lay still, breathing heavily, exhausted.
"Are we cool? Say we're cool!" I said in a hoarse voice.
"We're cool! We're cool!" He tapped my arm.
I released my grip, and fell back, breathing heavily.
Sam coughed and gasped for air, then he fell down beside me.
I reached over to check on him, and a sharp pain shot through my sides. "Ouch!" I gasped, as I lay back down.
My face hurt, my arms, shoulder, hands, ribs... they all hurt.
"Motherfvcker hit me in the face! You shouldn't have done that," I said softly.
"Sam?" I called out, "You alright?"
He coughed and groaned in pain.
He wasn't.
I crawled towards him, and struggled to sit up.
"Hey!" I put my hand on his shoulder.
He was in pretty bad shape.
"Sam! I'm so sorry!" I whispered, as my eyes teared up.
"You let Santa get away," he said.
"I'm sorry." I felt sad for disappointing him.
"You chose Santa over me."
"No," I shook my head, "No one can take your place."
"You chose Santa over me," he repeated.
"No!" I shook my head, as tears rolled down my cheeks.
I sat next to him as he caught his breath and recovered.
"Come on! Get up! Let's get out of here," I whispered.
He struggled to sit up. "I think you tore a hole in my chest," he groaned.
"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have hit me in the face," I said softly.
I struggled to get up, and pulled him up, grabbing his arm and putting it over my shoulder.
"Let's get out of here."
Christmas eve.
Santa was scheduled to arrive soon. He'd be passing by, climbing into chimneys and windows, dropping gifts, chomping down on cookies and probably b^nging some unsuspecting man's wife.
The radio cackled.
"Any signs of Santa?"
I responded, "Nope!"
"So whatchu gonn' do when you catch the fat bast^rd?"
I sighed. "Sam, keep the channel clear."
"I'm gonna stomp a mudhole in his fat ^ss!"
"Sam, be patient," I said quietly.
"Oh I'm patient alright! Soon as you see his fat ^ss you let me know!"
I moved the scope, until I spotted the man on the radio.
He blended perfectly into the shadows.
The only signs of his existence was the red light on his radio.
"Sam, I can see your radio light."
The light moved up, "Whatchu want me to do? Shove the radio up my ^ss?"
"Keep it cool."
"Stop watching me and look for Santa!" He snapped.
"Alright."
It was freezing cold outside.
I glanced at my watch.
10:00 p.m.
Where was he? I wondered.
We'd been on watch for close to two hours now.
I pushed the button on the radio. "Sam, how are you doing?"
He answered immediately. "Fvcking freezing my b^lls off! That's how I'm doing!"
"D'you want to come up here?" I asked.
"Fvck no! I got dibs on this motherfvcker!"
"Now remember what I said, we need him alive."
"I remember everything! Do your fvcking job and stay out of mine!"
I sighed.
We were both quiet for what seemed like an eternity.
I scanned the area again.
No signs of Santa.
Suddenly, the radio cackled. "Roy?"
"I'm listening."
"I hear something."
I scanned the area again.
A pair of headlights approaching our way.
"It's a car," I whispered.
There was no answer.
I scanned Sam's position. No red light. He must've turned his radio off and concealed himself.
My finger eased onto the tr!gger, as I watched the car approaching.
It entered our alley, and parked at the end of it.
The headlights turned off.
The driver's door opened, and a f!gure in a red hat and fluffy red suit stepped out.
Santa!
I slowed down my breath, as I watched Santa open the trunk of the car, and lift a bag out of it.
Suddenly, another f!gure stepped outside the shadows.
Sam!
Quick as a cat, he eased up on the unsuspecting Santa, and pulled the giant bag over his head.
Then I heard a scream, which was immediately muffled.
I jumped up and raced for the door, flying down the stairs, praying, hoping, that Sam hadn't pvnched Santa's ticket.
When I reached the alley, there was nobody there.
I slid my back against the walls, eyes open, searching.
No sign of either of them.
Suddenly I heard a loud whisper. "Roy!"
I turned around and saw him kneeling over a pile of what appeared to be Santa.
But it wasn't.
It wasn't Santa.
It was a woman.
That explained the scream.
Who was she?
And what the hell was she doing here?
"This isn't Santa," I whispered.
"No sh!t!" Sam replied.
We both stared at the beautiful pale face, eyes closed.
I looked up at Sam. He raised his hands and shrugged, "Hey, it wasn't me! She bumped her head into the wall while trying to b!te me!"
"What happened to the chloroform?"
"I didn't bring it," he said sheepishly.
My eyes narrowed.
"Hey! We were going to whoop Santa's ^ss anyway! Who needs chloroform when you can knock his fat ^ss out? Besides, I didn't know this b!tch would turn up here instead of Santa!"
"So you knocked her out?"
"No! She bumped into the wall. You're not listening motherfvcker! Open your ears!"
I took a deep breath, and sighed, "Alright."
"What do we do now?" He asked.
I shrugged, "We'll carry her to the rooftop, and wait for Santa."
"What about her?"
"When she comes to, we'll question her, then let her go."
I stared at the lady. She was wearing Santa's suit. And hat.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Sam said.
"Santa's a woman."
"Exactly!"
"Orrr...Or she could be Santa's wife," I said, more thoughtfully.
"Come on Roy! Do you really believe that sh!t? You know the old man would be b^nging a lot of wh0res this season!"
"So?"
"So there's no way a pretty face like this would be shacked up with that cheating bast^rd all year long."
I nodded, "Unless they're both sw!ngers."
Sam shook his head, "You need to stop spending time on that deg3ner^te website Roy! Similar Worlds is f^ntasy land. Don't let it get into your head!"
"Alright."
"You look out for Santa, and I'll keep an eye on this b!tch," Sam said.
"Planning to knock her out again?"
His eyes narrowed, "I told you she did it to herself. If you try to insinuate that I h!t her again, you'll be real sorry!"
"Alright."
If he said he didn't do it, then he didn't do it.
I scanned the area for Santa while Sam sat and watched the woman.
11:30 p.m.
There was still no signs of any other Santa.
Sam had dozed off. His head lay on his knees.
Poor guy.
He'd had a tough life.
Suddenly the Santa lady stirred.
Sam jolted awake.
Son of a b!tch. He was still d3adly as ever.
"Well well well! Look who's awake!" Sam grumbled, getting up.
He pulled a kn!fe from his pocket, and knelt beside her.
I watched him quietly, as he put his arm around her and stuck the kn!fe under her thr0at. "Sshhh!" he whispered in her ear.
Her eyes widened with sh0ck, as she stared at me.
"Sam, put that down," I said quietly.
He glared at me. "Don't interrupt me when I'm working!"
I held my hands up.
"Alright woman, I got some questions for you. Nod your head if you understand me!" Sam said in a cold voice.
She nodded.
"Who are you?" He asked.
"I'm Santa."
"BULLSH!T!" He roared.
"No!" She was shaking with fear. "It's true!"
"You're Santa?" He asked again.
"Yes!"
Sam looked at me. "Can you believe this sh!t! Must be that Swecret Santa from that deg3ner^te site of yours or something!"
I looked at the lady. "Are you Swecret Santa?"
"What?"
"Answer the man!" Sam snapped.
"I don't know what you're talking about!" she said fearfully.
"Swecret Santa. Do you know her?" I asked.
"No!" She started cry!ng.
"So Santa's a woman now?" Sam asked out loud. "Fvck!"
He released her and stood up, muttering angrily to himself.
"You alright man?" I asked him.
He raised his hand, "Give me a minute!"
I nodded.
"FVCK FVCK FVCK FVCK FVCKITY FVCK FVCK FVCK!"
He k!cked and pvnched into the air, moving away from us.
"Are you alright?" I asked Santa, kneeling down next to her.
"Yes. My head hurts a bit," she replied.
"Are you really Santa?" I asked her.
"Yes. How many times are you going to ask me that?"
"I always thought Santa was a man."
"He d!ed a few years ago. I'm the new Santa," she said.
"Oh."
"Why do you guys want to hurt me?" she asked.
"We don't. We were looking for Santa."
"But I'm Santa."
"Not you. The old man with a beer b3lly and white heard."
"And why were you looking for him?" she asked.
I stared at her.
"What?" She looked at me with curiosity.
"I was going to ask him some questions."
"What questions?" she asked.
"32 years of undelivered gifts. Why didn't he deliver my wishlist?"
She shook her head, "I don't know."
"What about you? Did you bring me any gifts this year?" I asked.
She looked down and shook her head, "No."
"Do you know who I am?"
She nodded.
"So you recognize me?"
She nodded again.
"Do you know who he is?" I glanced toward Sam.
"Yes."
"Did you bring him any gifts?"
"No."
"You should leave," I suggested, "Now."
"I'm sorry. I'll get you something next year," she said softly.
I stared at her, "I don't need anything from you."
"Don't take it personally."
"But it is personal, ain't it? You've been going out giving everyone gifts, but you've never got me anything. Why?"
"I'm sorry Roy," she said, looking away.
"You should leave. Before he gets any ideas," I said, nodded towards Sam.
Too late.
"Hey! Where do you think you're going?" Sam growled, as he approached us.
"Go! Go now!" I whispered, as I shoved her behind me.
"Roy! Where the fvck is she going? She's Santa isn't she?"
"Go! Now!" I urged her on as I intercepted Sam.
"Roy! Don't let her get away!" Sam said as he rushed towards her.
"Sam! Let her go!" I called out as I moved in stop him.
I lunged at Sam and took him down.
"Roy you stvpid bast^rd! You fvcking pr!ck!" Sam yelled at me as he punched me.
"Stop! Sam! Stop it!"
"You motherfvcking traitor! You let her go! Stvpid son of a b!tch!" Sam growled as we rolled around on the rooftop.
"Stop it Sam! Calm down!"
He was enraged. His punches landed in my face, my shoulders, my arms, and my ribs.
There was no stopping him.
"SAAAAAM!" I yelled, finally losing my patience with him.
"Fvcking - son - of a - b!tch!" I punched him repeatedly, my blows throwing him back.
I got him in a ch0kehold and tightened my grip, as he struggled to break free.
"Stop it Sam! Or I'm going to k!ll us both," I said through gritted teeth.
He stopped f!ghting back and lay still, breathing heavily, exhausted.
"Are we cool? Say we're cool!" I said in a hoarse voice.
"We're cool! We're cool!" He tapped my arm.
I released my grip, and fell back, breathing heavily.
Sam coughed and gasped for air, then he fell down beside me.
I reached over to check on him, and a sharp pain shot through my sides. "Ouch!" I gasped, as I lay back down.
My face hurt, my arms, shoulder, hands, ribs... they all hurt.
"Motherfvcker hit me in the face! You shouldn't have done that," I said softly.
"Sam?" I called out, "You alright?"
He coughed and groaned in pain.
He wasn't.
I crawled towards him, and struggled to sit up.
"Hey!" I put my hand on his shoulder.
He was in pretty bad shape.
"Sam! I'm so sorry!" I whispered, as my eyes teared up.
"You let Santa get away," he said.
"I'm sorry." I felt sad for disappointing him.
"You chose Santa over me."
"No," I shook my head, "No one can take your place."
"You chose Santa over me," he repeated.
"No!" I shook my head, as tears rolled down my cheeks.
I sat next to him as he caught his breath and recovered.
"Come on! Get up! Let's get out of here," I whispered.
He struggled to sit up. "I think you tore a hole in my chest," he groaned.
"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have hit me in the face," I said softly.
I struggled to get up, and pulled him up, grabbing his arm and putting it over my shoulder.
"Let's get out of here."
31-35, M
