Don't mind me
I was thinking about what I wrote earlier today. Being introverted, not popular, anxiety and panic attacks.
There's two aspects of what I'm about to discuss.
Okay, first, being in a relationship with someone like me.
It's a headache. haha
Don't do it.
In almost all my relationships, I think back and I remember being quite insecure.
Like, I needed constantly reassurance, right?
Did she still love me?
I needed to know.
If she didn't say it, or show it, then I'd start worrying.
Again!
In my relationships, and even when I just loved someone, I'd constantly be thinking of them. All the time. Day and night. Whether I'm asleep or awake.
It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing. They'd be on my mind.
Am I the only one like this?
Sometimes I wonder.
I've seen a few ladies who are like me.
They constantly crave and seek affection, attention and validation.
Do you love me?
Then tell me you love me!
Say it!
Show it!
Hug me, kiss me, hold me!
Clingy, needy.
And if a single day passes by without you hugging them or kissing them, then the mind revs off. Back to the Ford GT.
"Does he love me?"
"If he does, why hasn't he said it today?"
"Is he too busy to think about me?"
"What if he meets someone more beautiful than me?"
Insecurity.
It's like no matter how beautiful you are, no matter how handsome you are, there's this irrational fear in the back of your head - the fear of losing someone that you love.
And of course if you're an introvert, and you're boring, then this fear multiplies.
Because there's all these cool extroverts out there.
And you're not cool like them.
You're not a hotshot.
Not a superstar.
And you see them talking to your significant one and you wonder if they'll steal them.
What if she's impressed by him?
What if she realizes just how boring I am and dumps me for him?
Marriages are like that too, aren't they?
Your boring ^ss is at home. He's at work. He's got all these beautiful ladies around him. They like him. They invite him for lunch.
Perhaps one of them will pop a few buttons and show him the valley of heaven.
haha
You done lost your hubby.
He comes home.
He eats, watches a movie, plays a video game, goes to sleep.
You wonder, "Does he not like me anymore?"
You try to cuddle.
He says, "Get off my back! I'm feeling too hot!"
You turn around and cry yourself to sleep.
You go online and all these men think you're the hottest woman on the planet.
Could it be true?
No.
You're insecure.
Fear.
You're afraid you're boring. You're afraid you aren't cool.
LIke I said before, eventually you run out of interesting things to say or do.
People are always impressed the first time they see you, they meet you, they talk to you.
That impression diminishes over time.
The more time they spend with you, the more they get to know you, the less interesting you become.
People want excitement, don't they?
Their minds and brains constantly need to be stimulated.
If you're an introverted boring loser, then they're going to get tired of you really fast.
And they'll be drawn towards the more interesting, more exciting, thrilling extroverts, who are always bubbling with excitement and new information and new things to do and cool stories.
Your boring ^ss is stuck in the same old ways for years.
You can't keep up with the others.
You don't want to change all the time.
LIke how many new things can you try and do before you give up?
It's part of your personality, isn't it?
You find things that suit you, and you stick with them.
And everybody else finds you boring.
How many people out there are always ready and willing to try new things?
I'm not.
It's funny when I think of it now.
I'm already shaped and moulded into my being.
Sometimes people will come to me and say, "Hey, wanna do this? Wanna do that?"
Fvck no.
Fvck no!
You do it.
I'm going to clock my hours, go home and fvck off to bed.
Oh, it's a holiday, is it?
I've got laundry to do. Cleaning. Cooking. Maybe I'll catch up on the news. Maybe I'll watch a movie. Or write something.
No. I'm not going to waste my weekend going on a useless "adventure" with you.
It's a waste of money. And I don't think I'll enjoy doing it anyway.
Monday, it's back to work.
Boring guy.
My idea of an adventure is very different.
These are things that take months to plan. Down to every minute detail.
It feels like a job. I'm going to do this. Then this. Then this.
In and out. I don't waste time.
I don't do spontaneous or impromptu.
Sometimes I do. But usually it's the little things.
Big events, long distance traveling, vacations - those are planned months ahead.
I feel so old.
When you're young, you're so full of energy and excitement. You're thrilled to try new things and do things randomly.
But when you grow old, you fall into a rhythm.
You do things a certain way. You dress a certain way. You eat a certain way. You cook a certain way. Everything is structured.
I still dress like a teenager from the 90's.
Baggy tshirts, pants, tracks, sneakers, bandanas.
It's stuck on me.
But I'm not a teenager anymore.
I'm 32.
And I don't want to wear suits. I don't want to dress formally. I don't want to speak posh. I don't want to hang out with uppity people from work.
No, I will not go out and have a drink with you. No, I do not want to go to the club with you.
If I want to go to the club, I'll go alone.
On my time.
For my purpose.
You wanna have fun? I'm the wrong person for fun.
I'm not quite sure why I'm like this.
It's just things that I picked up from people who were important in my life.
They shaped and moulded me into the person that I am.
And if you like someone, then you'll try to be like them, right?
Not like copy everything they do and mimic them, but just incorporate all the admirable things about them into your life.
At least that's how I grew up.
My first girlfriend was very lovey dovey.
She was a gem.
She was soft and gentle and sensitive; quite emotional really.
And she was always all over me.
Anytime she was around me, she couldn't keep herself away.
She'd kiss me and hug me and hold me in her arms.
"My baby! My baby!"
haha
She used to call me her baby.
She was so affectionate, and so caring.
She was kind and patient.
And fierce. And protective.
I was shy and an introvert, right?
But I became like her.
I look at myself now, and I realize just how much of an impression she left in me.
And it's a good thing.
A lot of people have all these traumatic experiences with their first boyfriends or girlfriends or lovers or husbands or whatever, and it leaves a very negative impact in their lives.
Damaged goods, right?
Like if you try to love them and be in a relationship with them, it takes so much work and effort.
Because all their negatives experiences can resurface at any moment, and you're left stranded.
Not that I'm not a lot of work to deal with.
I've realized I'm not everyone's cup of tea, right?
I'm too lovey dovey and affectionate and emotional and sensitive and clingy and needy and insecure and not everyone wants to deal with that kind of sh!t.
A lot of people are well grounded. They don't have time for all that constant clinginess.
Get off my back!
When it comes to pairing, all the needy and clingy and insecure people need to go together, and the rest of the stable normal people can marry each other.
If one person is too needy and clingy, and the other one is too cold and distant, it's going to be a failure.
Compatibility.
I feel like I said too many words. But not enough meaning or value or substance.
Just my train of thoughts, really.
Now you realize how boring I am!
It's just that I'm always on my own.
I spend so much time alone, that when I think, or write, or talk to someone, sometimes I just go on and on and on, forever. Until they get tired of me and push me away.
There's two aspects of what I'm about to discuss.
Okay, first, being in a relationship with someone like me.
It's a headache. haha
Don't do it.
In almost all my relationships, I think back and I remember being quite insecure.
Like, I needed constantly reassurance, right?
Did she still love me?
I needed to know.
If she didn't say it, or show it, then I'd start worrying.
Again!
In my relationships, and even when I just loved someone, I'd constantly be thinking of them. All the time. Day and night. Whether I'm asleep or awake.
It didn't matter where I was or what I was doing. They'd be on my mind.
Am I the only one like this?
Sometimes I wonder.
I've seen a few ladies who are like me.
They constantly crave and seek affection, attention and validation.
Do you love me?
Then tell me you love me!
Say it!
Show it!
Hug me, kiss me, hold me!
Clingy, needy.
And if a single day passes by without you hugging them or kissing them, then the mind revs off. Back to the Ford GT.
"Does he love me?"
"If he does, why hasn't he said it today?"
"Is he too busy to think about me?"
"What if he meets someone more beautiful than me?"
Insecurity.
It's like no matter how beautiful you are, no matter how handsome you are, there's this irrational fear in the back of your head - the fear of losing someone that you love.
And of course if you're an introvert, and you're boring, then this fear multiplies.
Because there's all these cool extroverts out there.
And you're not cool like them.
You're not a hotshot.
Not a superstar.
And you see them talking to your significant one and you wonder if they'll steal them.
What if she's impressed by him?
What if she realizes just how boring I am and dumps me for him?
Marriages are like that too, aren't they?
Your boring ^ss is at home. He's at work. He's got all these beautiful ladies around him. They like him. They invite him for lunch.
Perhaps one of them will pop a few buttons and show him the valley of heaven.
haha
You done lost your hubby.
He comes home.
He eats, watches a movie, plays a video game, goes to sleep.
You wonder, "Does he not like me anymore?"
You try to cuddle.
He says, "Get off my back! I'm feeling too hot!"
You turn around and cry yourself to sleep.
You go online and all these men think you're the hottest woman on the planet.
Could it be true?
No.
You're insecure.
Fear.
You're afraid you're boring. You're afraid you aren't cool.
LIke I said before, eventually you run out of interesting things to say or do.
People are always impressed the first time they see you, they meet you, they talk to you.
That impression diminishes over time.
The more time they spend with you, the more they get to know you, the less interesting you become.
People want excitement, don't they?
Their minds and brains constantly need to be stimulated.
If you're an introverted boring loser, then they're going to get tired of you really fast.
And they'll be drawn towards the more interesting, more exciting, thrilling extroverts, who are always bubbling with excitement and new information and new things to do and cool stories.
Your boring ^ss is stuck in the same old ways for years.
You can't keep up with the others.
You don't want to change all the time.
LIke how many new things can you try and do before you give up?
It's part of your personality, isn't it?
You find things that suit you, and you stick with them.
And everybody else finds you boring.
How many people out there are always ready and willing to try new things?
I'm not.
It's funny when I think of it now.
I'm already shaped and moulded into my being.
Sometimes people will come to me and say, "Hey, wanna do this? Wanna do that?"
Fvck no.
Fvck no!
You do it.
I'm going to clock my hours, go home and fvck off to bed.
Oh, it's a holiday, is it?
I've got laundry to do. Cleaning. Cooking. Maybe I'll catch up on the news. Maybe I'll watch a movie. Or write something.
No. I'm not going to waste my weekend going on a useless "adventure" with you.
It's a waste of money. And I don't think I'll enjoy doing it anyway.
Monday, it's back to work.
Boring guy.
My idea of an adventure is very different.
These are things that take months to plan. Down to every minute detail.
It feels like a job. I'm going to do this. Then this. Then this.
In and out. I don't waste time.
I don't do spontaneous or impromptu.
Sometimes I do. But usually it's the little things.
Big events, long distance traveling, vacations - those are planned months ahead.
I feel so old.
When you're young, you're so full of energy and excitement. You're thrilled to try new things and do things randomly.
But when you grow old, you fall into a rhythm.
You do things a certain way. You dress a certain way. You eat a certain way. You cook a certain way. Everything is structured.
I still dress like a teenager from the 90's.
Baggy tshirts, pants, tracks, sneakers, bandanas.
It's stuck on me.
But I'm not a teenager anymore.
I'm 32.
And I don't want to wear suits. I don't want to dress formally. I don't want to speak posh. I don't want to hang out with uppity people from work.
No, I will not go out and have a drink with you. No, I do not want to go to the club with you.
If I want to go to the club, I'll go alone.
On my time.
For my purpose.
You wanna have fun? I'm the wrong person for fun.
I'm not quite sure why I'm like this.
It's just things that I picked up from people who were important in my life.
They shaped and moulded me into the person that I am.
And if you like someone, then you'll try to be like them, right?
Not like copy everything they do and mimic them, but just incorporate all the admirable things about them into your life.
At least that's how I grew up.
My first girlfriend was very lovey dovey.
She was a gem.
She was soft and gentle and sensitive; quite emotional really.
And she was always all over me.
Anytime she was around me, she couldn't keep herself away.
She'd kiss me and hug me and hold me in her arms.
"My baby! My baby!"
haha
She used to call me her baby.
She was so affectionate, and so caring.
She was kind and patient.
And fierce. And protective.
I was shy and an introvert, right?
But I became like her.
I look at myself now, and I realize just how much of an impression she left in me.
And it's a good thing.
A lot of people have all these traumatic experiences with their first boyfriends or girlfriends or lovers or husbands or whatever, and it leaves a very negative impact in their lives.
Damaged goods, right?
Like if you try to love them and be in a relationship with them, it takes so much work and effort.
Because all their negatives experiences can resurface at any moment, and you're left stranded.
Not that I'm not a lot of work to deal with.
I've realized I'm not everyone's cup of tea, right?
I'm too lovey dovey and affectionate and emotional and sensitive and clingy and needy and insecure and not everyone wants to deal with that kind of sh!t.
A lot of people are well grounded. They don't have time for all that constant clinginess.
Get off my back!
When it comes to pairing, all the needy and clingy and insecure people need to go together, and the rest of the stable normal people can marry each other.
If one person is too needy and clingy, and the other one is too cold and distant, it's going to be a failure.
Compatibility.
I feel like I said too many words. But not enough meaning or value or substance.
Just my train of thoughts, really.
Now you realize how boring I am!
It's just that I'm always on my own.
I spend so much time alone, that when I think, or write, or talk to someone, sometimes I just go on and on and on, forever. Until they get tired of me and push me away.
31-35, M
