When I feel this way it's like another person is buried inside me trying to claw their way out
It's when I realize that this person who I think is me, but not the me I want to be, can never take over.
The me that has no self control, that is dark, twisted, addicted. The me that would ruin what I've built for my life and enjoy every second of it because that me doesn't care, she's free.
It's why I'm scared of being alone. Cuz if I'm weak for maybe a moment, I could make some bad choices.
Adulthood is hitting me hard in this regard. I'm saving for my bachelor's rn, then my teeth, then I'll be saving for tattoos or a house and a family and then retirement (altho that might be wasted effort tbh) and I think "oh my god I'll never be able to just have fun. Never be able to blow a paycheck on something useless"
I feel like I've really already wasted the years of my life I could have been having fun with no worries... Cuz now I'm worried.