is it bad that i never really went through any sort of mourning
after my mothers passing? she passed away in march! and it was the same way with my dad back in 2007.
i used to cry in thoughts of losing my mom when she got older and was goin downhill. i did several times always thinking she was the only one i have left to go to for comfort even if it was just thought knowing i could go see her. but once she passed it was like nothing.
i don't know if its just cause i have known to much loss in my life in every turn. i don't mean loss as in death i just mean loss in general and even the not KNOWING what being close to anyone was like as a loss that way as well. i know its something deeper than just one of the ways someone mourns. i just feel a lot of times i feel so much and care so much but yet i have also this detachment thing going on and i have looked at this for awhile now but no answers yet as i haven't been truely searching it out cause its more of fleeting thought it comes and leaves my thoughts til next time it pops up again even tho i really wanna know why???!!!!!!!! what about me is this coming from. i think i know what about but even then i couldn't even begin to say.
i firmly believe it starts with the first few years of my life which i don't remember much just a couple vague memories that seems to be right on after all. but one of abuse and neglect. i feel that holds the key key to everything i feel inside. and hard to really put it together without actual memories and how it efffected me but gotta be how i felt that i react toward certain things and feel about certain things.
this not mourning the loss of my my mom isn't a suprise just knowing how i felt and how i was my entire life
i used to cry in thoughts of losing my mom when she got older and was goin downhill. i did several times always thinking she was the only one i have left to go to for comfort even if it was just thought knowing i could go see her. but once she passed it was like nothing.
i don't know if its just cause i have known to much loss in my life in every turn. i don't mean loss as in death i just mean loss in general and even the not KNOWING what being close to anyone was like as a loss that way as well. i know its something deeper than just one of the ways someone mourns. i just feel a lot of times i feel so much and care so much but yet i have also this detachment thing going on and i have looked at this for awhile now but no answers yet as i haven't been truely searching it out cause its more of fleeting thought it comes and leaves my thoughts til next time it pops up again even tho i really wanna know why???!!!!!!!! what about me is this coming from. i think i know what about but even then i couldn't even begin to say.
i firmly believe it starts with the first few years of my life which i don't remember much just a couple vague memories that seems to be right on after all. but one of abuse and neglect. i feel that holds the key key to everything i feel inside. and hard to really put it together without actual memories and how it efffected me but gotta be how i felt that i react toward certain things and feel about certain things.
this not mourning the loss of my my mom isn't a suprise just knowing how i felt and how i was my entire life
46-50, F
