Lately my internal alarm has been going off at 6…6:30am. But this morning when it went off at 6 my entire being gave it the middle finger.
It was a night. A night where I spent an hour and half going over the results of my bloodwork posted online and breathing life back into my health anxiety. My unhealed mind went straight to Cancer and would not let go of the idea. A talk with my husband, who is…I'm not even going there. But the youngest, who is not someone fond of touching, didn’t dismiss my feelings or tears and gave the comfort a loving human should. Gawd. I love that he exists for me. A shower at 10 didn’t help either as the mind was given the stage, forcing me to bury my face in my hands and remind myself that there’s no actual proof it’s cancer again.
I haven’t been emotional concerning that chapter since I “received the best news possible” per my doctor after surgery. And just like that, with one elevated number I drifted back to 2025 me. A version of me I never wanted to inhabit again.
But anyway, the snooze button was hit and the ole subconscious decided to be anything but tactful in the dream it wove for me.
I’m not going to go into it as it gave me whiplash just trying to piece together, but it did reflect that my mind is scattered, my faith in my husband is truly gone, and that there are others who will stand beside me as I try to find a place to call home…internally. Possibly externally as well. There’s too much going on right now to know for sure.
But there was this one moment in the dream where there were wolves heard in the distance as I was out in the open looking for my home. Their cries got louder until one approached me. He was white, but dingy to reflect the effects of the wild. Baby blue eyes. Thin but strong. Red-stained sharp teeth hidden. And he pressed up against my leg and let me pet his head. I was lost, but felt okay. Calm. I’m taking that moment with me as I venture forward.
What’s funny is I had a plan for today. It was one charted out before last night happened, so it was filled with feel-good plans. Then it changed to lying in bed and not moving unless I had to.
This morning I looked at the back of my blinds to see what looked like a cloudy day, much like the past several days. But when I got up and walked out of my bedroom, I was met with nothing but sunshine from the windows on the opposite side of the house. Sunshine that reminded me to keep living as I want to live. …how I deserve to live. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Happy Monday. May that spark find you today.
*please don’t take offense if I don’t come back to this post to respond to anyone. I tend to distance myself from posts that share a bit of myself that are “too real” for me to touch while I’m emotionally and mentally unhealed.
I haven’t been emotional concerning that chapter since I “received the best news possible” per my doctor after surgery. And just like that, with one elevated number I drifted back to 2025 me. A version of me I never wanted to inhabit again.
But anyway, the snooze button was hit and the ole subconscious decided to be anything but tactful in the dream it wove for me.
I’m not going to go into it as it gave me whiplash just trying to piece together, but it did reflect that my mind is scattered, my faith in my husband is truly gone, and that there are others who will stand beside me as I try to find a place to call home…internally. Possibly externally as well. There’s too much going on right now to know for sure.
But there was this one moment in the dream where there were wolves heard in the distance as I was out in the open looking for my home. Their cries got louder until one approached me. He was white, but dingy to reflect the effects of the wild. Baby blue eyes. Thin but strong. Red-stained sharp teeth hidden. And he pressed up against my leg and let me pet his head. I was lost, but felt okay. Calm. I’m taking that moment with me as I venture forward.
What’s funny is I had a plan for today. It was one charted out before last night happened, so it was filled with feel-good plans. Then it changed to lying in bed and not moving unless I had to.
This morning I looked at the back of my blinds to see what looked like a cloudy day, much like the past several days. But when I got up and walked out of my bedroom, I was met with nothing but sunshine from the windows on the opposite side of the house. Sunshine that reminded me to keep living as I want to live. …how I deserve to live. And that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
Happy Monday. May that spark find you today.
*please don’t take offense if I don’t come back to this post to respond to anyone. I tend to distance myself from posts that share a bit of myself that are “too real” for me to touch while I’m emotionally and mentally unhealed.
46-50, F
