A Really Long Letter Sent into the Ether of a Failing Relationship
I needed to walk away.
I feel like everything I tried to say went unheard. I felt like everything I conveyed was met with rebuttal and not acceptance.
I tried multiple times to state my case lightly, only to be met with a counter argument instead of understanding.
As if it was imperative that I first accept the fault and tend to your hurt feelings first, before…, if ever…, we could address the ways I feel and the hurts I receive in our relationship.
I love you.
When I go first with feelings why isn’t the thing to do to address my feelings? Isn’t that what was taught in the communication course we were taking? The course where I’m a full lesson ahead and one the you offer me no practice in. The course you recommend.
Look, I said it.
We’re really great at being friends.
We’re (in my opinion) excellent lovers.
You really are an amazing fit for me in my bed.
And you’ve said I’m the best lover you ever had.
I never really believed that but I did suspect that I rated up in the top 5% given the way you soiled my sheets with sweat and other bodily fluids.
Normal, everyday parters in a Relationship that happens in cohabitation? We’ve been sucking at that like the runt kitten trying to get a tit!!!
I’ve been saying it from year one and I’ll say it again…
Not twice have we spent more than 4 days together and each walked away feeling loved, happy, and calm.
Over 2.5 years and anytime we get together for more than a week at a time in that time, and 50% of those times we ended up finding ourselves broken up, as we each torture ourselves about it the details of what happened.
I don’t know what the answer is because I could see us living in our late 70’s taking walks and having real conversations in the woods and loving each other and then spending the night in our bed that’s inside of our house.
I just don’t know how to get there from here when I’m the constant cause that runs between us. That’s not the role, or the person that I’m meant to be.
It’s my belief that you described my statement that the GPS wanted to turn us around as being snappish because that makes me the instigator.
I said exactly 3 sentences that matter after we left the trailhead.
1. I think we’re supposed to go left out of here.
{ When we got to Erickson Rd. }
( you said right - I didn’t argue)
[ we went right ]
The statement was meant to help.
2 Follow that truck. He’s probably going somewhere.
( it took you a bit but you made a snide sounding copy of my sentence and then went that way)
My sentence was stated from my wish to help and my experience in like situations)
3. It’s gonna want you to turn around.
I didn’t yell any of f it. Didn’t snap it.
And honestly, however you were feeling because the situation wasn’t planned out perfectly and there wasn’t a cell signal matters.
It just doesn’t give you the right to talk to me the way you did anymore than it gave me the right to raise my voice on Christmas.
Since then I’ve groveled and pleaded to try and gain some type of forgiveness.
It’s become obvious that that somehow I can’t escape all the things I’ve gotten wrong.
That I am relationally buried. That my path to forgiveness and equality is by digging my way out from under anything real or perceived as an emotional wound against you.
I understand the way it seems you feel and I could apologize again without forgiveness for whatever grievous ill I performed today…,
But I’m not going to.
I have no idea what any of this is.
I don’t know where I, me, you, us stand?
I can’t even guess.
I’m taxed and it and fucking empty.
Already cried and I’m done crying.
Already replayed it a thousand times .
I’m still right here.
Unworthy as shit and another day that’s all in me for my : sentences that mattered. Or maybe it’s all on me for things you needed that you didn’t ask for and I didn’t know?
The thing is, as you described it as I stood at your window….,
It’s all on me.
To notice.
To say.
To apologize for my part.
To accept anything.
To dismiss myself and my feelings.
It’s cool.
I’m sorry for trying to help inefficiently. I imagine you were feeling overburdened but felt too unsafe to let me know. I should have done a better job of getting you to hand me your unlocked phone (something that’s never happened), so that I could help you with the navigation in a way that didn’t upset you. I apologize for eating chips and I agree that any such surcharge for cleaning of your rental be added to the amount that I have decided already that I owe you.
I’m sorry if there’s things here that make me seem confrontational or even more to blame for all the discord and lack of communication and understanding.
I never meant to upset you today and I don’t feel like I was pushy, demanding, or snippy. I don’t feel like I did anything to deserve the treatment that I received.
Explain it away.
Say I did something first.
Tell me how I started it all and was the instigator.
I’m just where I’m at.
Home alone thinking a million things and wondering how I got here.
That’s it.
That’s my simplest truth.
I’m done. I’m done being the bad guy . The made it all happen and caused everything type of guy
Perhaps I’m just too weak to be that bad guy. Not square enough to be
Please note, I said nothing about you and I didn’t call you numerous names.
I blame you for nothing, and hereby agree to accept anything and all fault for whatever went on in the drive away from the mountain.
I accept it and claim it and I refuse to apologize for any of it any more than I already have.
I’m sorry that I feel this way too.
I feel like everything I tried to say went unheard. I felt like everything I conveyed was met with rebuttal and not acceptance.
I tried multiple times to state my case lightly, only to be met with a counter argument instead of understanding.
As if it was imperative that I first accept the fault and tend to your hurt feelings first, before…, if ever…, we could address the ways I feel and the hurts I receive in our relationship.
I love you.
When I go first with feelings why isn’t the thing to do to address my feelings? Isn’t that what was taught in the communication course we were taking? The course where I’m a full lesson ahead and one the you offer me no practice in. The course you recommend.
Look, I said it.
We’re really great at being friends.
We’re (in my opinion) excellent lovers.
You really are an amazing fit for me in my bed.
And you’ve said I’m the best lover you ever had.
I never really believed that but I did suspect that I rated up in the top 5% given the way you soiled my sheets with sweat and other bodily fluids.
Normal, everyday parters in a Relationship that happens in cohabitation? We’ve been sucking at that like the runt kitten trying to get a tit!!!
I’ve been saying it from year one and I’ll say it again…
Not twice have we spent more than 4 days together and each walked away feeling loved, happy, and calm.
Over 2.5 years and anytime we get together for more than a week at a time in that time, and 50% of those times we ended up finding ourselves broken up, as we each torture ourselves about it the details of what happened.
I don’t know what the answer is because I could see us living in our late 70’s taking walks and having real conversations in the woods and loving each other and then spending the night in our bed that’s inside of our house.
I just don’t know how to get there from here when I’m the constant cause that runs between us. That’s not the role, or the person that I’m meant to be.
It’s my belief that you described my statement that the GPS wanted to turn us around as being snappish because that makes me the instigator.
I said exactly 3 sentences that matter after we left the trailhead.
1. I think we’re supposed to go left out of here.
{ When we got to Erickson Rd. }
( you said right - I didn’t argue)
[ we went right ]
The statement was meant to help.
2 Follow that truck. He’s probably going somewhere.
( it took you a bit but you made a snide sounding copy of my sentence and then went that way)
My sentence was stated from my wish to help and my experience in like situations)
3. It’s gonna want you to turn around.
I didn’t yell any of f it. Didn’t snap it.
And honestly, however you were feeling because the situation wasn’t planned out perfectly and there wasn’t a cell signal matters.
It just doesn’t give you the right to talk to me the way you did anymore than it gave me the right to raise my voice on Christmas.
Since then I’ve groveled and pleaded to try and gain some type of forgiveness.
It’s become obvious that that somehow I can’t escape all the things I’ve gotten wrong.
That I am relationally buried. That my path to forgiveness and equality is by digging my way out from under anything real or perceived as an emotional wound against you.
I understand the way it seems you feel and I could apologize again without forgiveness for whatever grievous ill I performed today…,
But I’m not going to.
I have no idea what any of this is.
I don’t know where I, me, you, us stand?
I can’t even guess.
I’m taxed and it and fucking empty.
Already cried and I’m done crying.
Already replayed it a thousand times .
I’m still right here.
Unworthy as shit and another day that’s all in me for my : sentences that mattered. Or maybe it’s all on me for things you needed that you didn’t ask for and I didn’t know?
The thing is, as you described it as I stood at your window….,
It’s all on me.
To notice.
To say.
To apologize for my part.
To accept anything.
To dismiss myself and my feelings.
It’s cool.
I’m sorry for trying to help inefficiently. I imagine you were feeling overburdened but felt too unsafe to let me know. I should have done a better job of getting you to hand me your unlocked phone (something that’s never happened), so that I could help you with the navigation in a way that didn’t upset you. I apologize for eating chips and I agree that any such surcharge for cleaning of your rental be added to the amount that I have decided already that I owe you.
I’m sorry if there’s things here that make me seem confrontational or even more to blame for all the discord and lack of communication and understanding.
I never meant to upset you today and I don’t feel like I was pushy, demanding, or snippy. I don’t feel like I did anything to deserve the treatment that I received.
Explain it away.
Say I did something first.
Tell me how I started it all and was the instigator.
I’m just where I’m at.
Home alone thinking a million things and wondering how I got here.
That’s it.
That’s my simplest truth.
I’m done. I’m done being the bad guy . The made it all happen and caused everything type of guy
Perhaps I’m just too weak to be that bad guy. Not square enough to be
Please note, I said nothing about you and I didn’t call you numerous names.
I blame you for nothing, and hereby agree to accept anything and all fault for whatever went on in the drive away from the mountain.
I accept it and claim it and I refuse to apologize for any of it any more than I already have.
I’m sorry that I feel this way too.
51-55, M