I Self Hate

I would guess that you have all of these feelings bc you never learned unconditional self worth...
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Good performance = worthy
Bad performance = shame
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Maybe? Idk, just guessing based on what you wrote. I would want you to know that you're a worthy and valuable person regardless of what you do, regardless of any mistakes made.

After reading a few of your posts I would say, one of your problems is, that you cannot forgive yourself. When you initially forgive, it is like letting go of a hot iron. There is initial pain and the scars will show, but you can start living again. Don’t be afraid to stand tall in your truth! Boldly and confidently face everything that has, and is, keeping you bound. Fight for your inner peace! Fight for your happiness! Fight for everything and everybody that’s important to you! You are not a victim! Don’t even play into that. You owe it to yourself to live! Live your life without the regrets, without the resentments, without the unforgiveness, without the blame game, without the self-pity, without any and everything that keeps you from experiencing true joy within! You are too important to waste your life away! Learn to appreciate and value your life, but most importantly, learn to appreciate and value yourself! You count too, no matter what you’ve done. Stop focusing on your past mistakes. Don’t be ashamed of the things that you’ve done. We all have made mistakes. All of those things helped shape you into the person that you are today! Hold your head up high because you didn’t allow your past mistakes to consume you. You learned! You conquered! You became a better you. Be proud of who you are today.