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I Feel Out of Place In Everything, I Dont Belong Anywhere

I have been driving for Lyft (über' slightly more honest competitor) and it doesn't seem to do much for my self esteem. I have run into a few girls that end up being super friendly and flirty - but it ends up just causing me more pain in the end. You likely say "Why? I enjoy flirting with people, it makes me feel attractive..." Or something... Well, I just end up feeling like - pain in my chest - lol...
It's not like I'm dying or something, but I always feel the LOSS for the relationship that ISN'T THERE, despite my desire to have a really good and quality relationship with someone good.
Well - I do encounter some good girls in this line of work - however they are rarely, if ever, not attached already. When they are not attached - I feel that I am viewed as "less" than them, likely because I'm providing a service for money.

Well - so I get this one ride request from a guy last night - I forget his name. He worked at a local strip club - and I could tell he thought he was older than I am - despite only being 22 - he was an old looking 22 though, for sure (I am 34). I didn't mind him being mistaken about the age difference, since he was being kind and friendly. He asked me how my night was going - seeing as it was about 11pm. (I was surprised his shift ended at that time too, but apparently the bouncers do 11 to 11) I told him that I had tried to go to sleep and kept tossing and turning and decided to go earn some money. Partly true - I just left out the fact that I was tossing and turning because I was worried about being broke.
So - he mentioned "You should get out more! Go party!" (Like I said, 22)
I refrained from mentioning my age, just because I was more interested in what he had to say, than what I did.
I asked questions to keep him talking, and he told me about how working as a bouncer at the strip club is a nice job. It sounded an awful lot like he spins BS constantly at his job, going from town gossip to town gossip - but much of it was likely fact as well. He knew a lot about the other strip clubs and owners - things like that. He mentioned he was the guy that counts private dances and he makes sure everyone is following the law. After discussing this a bit more intricately, I discovered the law was less of the concern when compared to the preferences of the girl. Some girls don't mind being groped and either enjoy it, or feel it's worth putting up with it to get the additional tips. Who knows right?

Well - I just was kind of shocked. Here this kid was - literally, he was 10 years old when I was his age! Yet he clearly "looks" more like an adult. Sure, he looks like a greasy, slimy adult - but there he was. I don't exactly look great - I just don't know what to do with my appearance. I feel like I would really enjoy and benefit in the appearance department from "maturing" in my wardrobe - but the fact remains that I am very poor.
I love the way I feel in a suit - when it fits right and is all proper. However, it has been YEARS since I even wore one. I actually have not even purchased new clothes in a very long time - I buy clothes from the Thrift stores around here - Arc, or Goodwill...
I kind of felt like that was even a huge benefit to my wardrobe - I still can point at things I got when I was a teenager and living under my parents roof! In my defense, I bet my mother still has a thing or two in the freezer from a similar era; that should be discarded as well.

What can you do? Just continue feeling inadequate I guess.

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Jakey75 · 61-69, M

Sounds like you have low self esteem. Hopefully things will improve for you. That strip club bouncer sounds like he has an interesting job. I bet he sees alot of good looking women.

Tvxhed · 41-45, M

You're fairly correct. I do have low self esteem, or at least I have a low opinion of what OTHERS view and understand ABOUT me. I feel very capable, and eager to utilize my abilities - however because of circumstances, I feel like those aren't considered important - because they are more likely to benefit my life than the lives of others. I feel like the only way people provide assistance in this world - is when it's manipulative assistance. "I'll help you get the money - but you have to give me more money in return."
I would be ok with this, if not for the fact it's also hidden behind a facade of generosity and kindness. People say they care about others. Ask a person if they would help someone stop starving in USA and they undoubtedly will say "yes." Yet, if you then wait until the situation where you and the person are passing a homeless person - watch to see if they give the guy a dollar. If you ask them why they chose NOT to help - they will provide an excuse. "He would spend it on drugs or booze." is a frequent reply. But, what the person is really saying is, "He DESERVES his current position, and I am not going to endure any additional hardship to attempt to assist this person."

It amazes me when people say this - it's like, do you think he's going to save it towards making a first, last, and security deposit somewhere? Do you think he's going to save for retirement? The guy is SUFFERING, yeah he probably wants a drink pretty bad - because it will allow him a few moments respite from his life.

People in the gutter are not getting drunk because they love being drunk in the gutter. They do it because they are BROKEN and SAD and NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON THAT CAN HELP IS CHOOSING TO DO SO.
So yeah, they drink - they try to "check out" of this life, so they can have a bit of stress relief. It's as close to a vacation as they'll likely ever get.

Top this off with how, as a bum, you see the world pass you by. You see cars worth more than houses on a daily basis - and EVERYONE is not only driving a car, but chatting on an expensive phone while they do it. The average amount of money a person is utilizing while driving down the road is likely about $30,000.00... Or more... (Cost of vehicle, cost of insurance, cost of phone, cost of service, cost of car maintenance, etc.)
Then, at a red light - they see a guy holding a cardboard sign asking for some change. They offer up $0.35 and feel like they've done a great service. It's honestly probably more like they are irritated by the way the change rattles in their cup holder - but whatever makes someone give, I support.
So, the bum sees MILLIONS of dollars pass by him - all on the way to go and earn MORE money... Yet, nobody cares enough to help him. A couple hundred dollars might as well be the national debt...

People do not think about how life is for others - they really don't. I know I also am very very guilty of this type of non-thinking. I consider life in USA for Americans, and I complain about how life isn't as good as it could be, and that people are taking advantage of the system, causing it to do much worse than it could do. But - most Americans are getting enough food to survive. We have access to clean water, without spending 1/3 of our day on a journey to retrieve that water.
I admit - I am complaining about a good life. I don't have jiggers in my feet and Google even auto-corrects that word back to "jogger" because I live in such a nice place. I just know it could be SO GOOD - and it's not because people are unfair, and people aren't giving me a chance.

Sorry, that was an awful reply

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