I Feel Lost
Right now I'm stuck between desiring company and desiring solitude.
I've pushed for solitude; told them to go away. I can't.. be happy. That was what was implied, and it was such a loose statement.. The intention was clear to me, and yet still I magnified its intent to a whole new level. It wasn't something I wanted to do. But my emotions, I couldn't help it. All I could do is sit there and be quiet. Silent. Drowning in silence. So I left without a word, and it hurt so much to see them come back only for me to shun them away again.
Horrible friend, aren't I? The other thing is I can't put a resistance to it because a part of me wants this.. for me to feel empty, alone, dead. It can't be helped; this mindset.. impossible mindset.. Something I cannot escape. I don't want people to worry about me, but I can't satisfy their desires without denying me mine.
I've pushed for solitude; told them to go away. I can't.. be happy. That was what was implied, and it was such a loose statement.. The intention was clear to me, and yet still I magnified its intent to a whole new level. It wasn't something I wanted to do. But my emotions, I couldn't help it. All I could do is sit there and be quiet. Silent. Drowning in silence. So I left without a word, and it hurt so much to see them come back only for me to shun them away again.
Horrible friend, aren't I? The other thing is I can't put a resistance to it because a part of me wants this.. for me to feel empty, alone, dead. It can't be helped; this mindset.. impossible mindset.. Something I cannot escape. I don't want people to worry about me, but I can't satisfy their desires without denying me mine.
