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I Need to Rant

Ever get that feeling you just want to keep typing and typing and typing? Yeah that's me right now. So here goes..

Stricken by grief and guilt, the knowledge that thrice trust has been breached, and each incident was my own fault. Of course, the male is to blame. Growing up in a household where suffering must be masked.

People want to help me; friends, family, strangers alike. But to help me you'd need three things. And each have one or two, but never all three.
Strangers understand, but they don't love me enough to do what needs to be done, and they don't know me enough to know what they will go through if they try.
Friends know me, know what hardships they will face if they try to help me, but they don't understand me, and they don't love me.
Family loves me, they know what needs to be done - if they understood. But they don't understand, and they are missing the critical knowledge about me - knowledge of what awaits them should they travel down that path.

I don't love myself.. how could I after all that has transpired? I can only understand and know myself.

Why is it that I can only truly open up to strangers? Because they are the ones most likely to understand my plight.
Why is it that only my friends know this dark side of mine? Because I trust them to accept this as a part of me - who I am.
Why is it that only my family loves me? Because I am bound to them by blood, and I have given all I have left - all the while hiding this encroaching blackness - to be the son, the relative, that they all counting on me to be.

I yearn for someone, to love, understand, and know me - all of me. But I don't trust anyone to come and try.. And to those who do, I don't trust myself to be welcoming towards them.. And in light of that, like the oxymoron my mind has deranged to.. I also desire complete solitude.

If any of you read to this point, I thank you with what gratitude I have left for taking the time to.
Serenitree · F
This is a sad plight. I'm not going to question the veracity of your beliefs, but I will hope for you that someone special will break down the barriers and be all three for you.

Jan. 28/17
8:44 pm

 
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