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I need help

I don't know what to do please someone help. I stopped seeing my dad two years ago. This is because we were sat down watching tv and he had his hand on my sisters butt. He was rubbing it and I heard my sister say 'no' and remove it but he put it back there. She said no again, removed it and he put it back. I text my mum this because I felt disgusted. She then picked me and my sister up later and the police came round to my mums to question us on what happened because my mum was worried. We went back to my dads anyway for the rest of the week in the summer, and that's the last time I saw him. Now, I feel like me my sister and my dad never had a real relationship. We'd see him every other weekend. My dad has always been a jerk. He emotionally abused my mum (they divorced when I was 4), cheated on her with her own sister and gets angry very easily. For example, if I spilt some water he would shout at me. He teases everyone but so harshly (including me and my sister). When me and my sister would hang out with him, he'd always rush everything, for example if we went shopping. He'd tell us we can get stuff but then he'd complain and make us feel awful when we spent 'too much' even though he'd never give us a budget. From what I've experienced with him, he'd view me sexually. I just got a weird uncomfortable vibe. For example when I got in the car with him he'd rub my thighs but I didn't like it. I felt like he perved on us, looking at our bodies. I always felt uncomfortable. I'd try make myself unattractive, putting on a low voice and dressing really modestly. Maybe I was being over dramatic and he was just innocent. One time, he asked for a hug and squeezed my butt. Another time, he was joking around and pulled his pants down and put his butt right by my face. Maybe it was innocent I don't know. Basically I'm going to put up some screenshots of what my stepmom has messaged me (she's been with my dad for 8 years). It's made me feel guilty but I don't even feel like I miss him. He's currently putting my mum through court, where she might be jailed for my sister not wanting to see him. The court think that my mums stopping us from seeing him and that could cause loads of legal trouble for her. 14 year olds have to see their dad. But I told my sister 'I was thinking of seeing him again'. And she told me 'please can we not lauryn, I beg of you, I don't want to' and she's said this so many times before. Please look at the screenshots I'm about to post and tell me what I should do. If we see him, my mum will be punished, and me and my sister both don't want to and we don't miss him.

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cherokeepatti · 61-69, F

If you are forced to visit him...make sure to ask the judge for Supervised visitation so you don't have to be alone with him...you shouldn't have to worry about being abused in his presence.

Primnproper · 56-60, F

Once a child is over 10 yrs of age in UK they are classed as having a voice in the eyes of the court, you would not necessarily be forced to see him, supervised, mediated visits could be suggested but I suspect they would respect your wishes if you refused...It is very unlikely your mum would be imprisoned on account of this...I attended many family court cases when running a refuge with abusing fathers still seeking access to their kids and the new children's act in the 80s helped protect you more, try not to or be afraid to say you don't want to see him..

Lucifer · 36-40, M

I think it might help if you try not to make it all about her. So, speak to her about how he could be a threat to others if he is a pedophile. Make sure she knows that she can seek a confidential conversation with an NSPCC worker, or a social services worker, or whoever it is that you contact. Tell her that she doesn't have to tell you about it, but that you hope she will talk to a professional who can help her if he has done anything sexual to her. Tell her that you will be there with her all the way, so long as she wants you there. If she has been abused tell her that sadly sexual abuse is quite common, and she's by far not the only one. She hasn't done anything wrong, and she doesn't need to be ashamed. That kind of thing should help.
Be prepared for her refusal, it might take a while before she is ready to speak out about it. Don't get frustrated, or angry with her. Try not to sound patronizing, or judgmental, she will likely be very insecure if she is being abused. Be as reassuring as you can, but don't be too intense. It's not going to be easy, and you might want to think about what you're going to say in advance.

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@pixiecutlover our court system in the UK is fucked up. It runs through a service called 'caff cass'. me and my sister sat down with caff cass, told them we didn't want to see him individually. The guy assumed my mum told us to say that, and told that to the court. We looked online and caff cass have said the same thing to all children not wanting to see their dads. Our government forces kids to see their dads. Even a dad with a record of sex offender will still have their kids told to be forced to see him. It's horrible

vikiii · 31-35, F

I'm so sorry to hear this ): just be honest and tell the police exactly what happened, has social services got involved? nobody will make you or your sister do anything you don't feel comfortable doing, you're both better staying away from him, let the police deal with him and look after your mum :) if there's any chance you and your sister are in danger the police/court will not make you see him, so don't worry about that or your mum getting into trouble, it will be your dad who gets into trouble.

Lucifer · 36-40, M

I'm sorry I keep banging on about it. It's just I know what it's like to be raped. I know how it feels like you don't want to say anything, or do anything about it. I know the uncertainty, I know the worries i.e. what will people think, what if I am overreacting, what if I ruin his life (do I want to do that?)? I know exactly what it's like, and I also know that it's best that he's outed if he is abusing your sister. I really hope you find out one way or the other, and I hope your sister is okay.

Lucifer · 36-40, M

What you said about your sister being missing in the night, and being in your dads bed is something I have heard other abused kids say. On top of the fact that he was rubbing your sisters butt, I would think if you were able to get her to speak to the NSPCC https://www.nspcc.org.uk then they would definitely help you.

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@lucifer oh yeah good point, thanks!

Primnproper · 56-60, F

If you feel that uncomfortable and the courts try to force the issue then you both say you don't want to be alone with him and they will appoint a care worker to assist in supervised visitation..

Lucifer · 36-40, M

[quote]He'd tell us we can get stuff but then he'd complain and make us feel awful when we spent 'too much' even though he'd never give us a budget.[/quote] My dad was like that, never honest with money...to the point where he accused me of fraud because he gifted me some money, and then tried to claim I tricked it out of him.
Imo you shouldn't see him, dads don't rub their kids butts like that. It's not okay, especially after he's told not to.
You can surely speak in defense of your mom? Tell the court what he has done, and that you don't want to see him.

Lucifer · 36-40, M

Princess - you could get representatives maybe. Like the RSPCC or another child protection charity, or agency. You need someone with a little clout to push your case. The civil servants will likely tick boxes and close ranks until your face turns blue with frustration. You need someone who knows their stuff to get your views across to them. Do a little googling, and find out who might agree to represent you.

Primnproper · 56-60, F

Itsprincess...unfortunately until he actually does anything he is not classed as a threat..the age you are if it's right what is listed would be able to refuse to see him and I'm sure they would honour that, your mum of course can request supervised if she has her concerns but again he hasn't a actually done anything as of yet for them to put those restrictions against him..

Greathands01 · 61-69, M

I didn't read this story when replying to the screenshot you posted in a different thread. Based on your description, it seems you should be allowed only supervised visits, but you and your sister can go to court with your stepmom to explain it is your decision, and that she is not keeping you from him. It sounds like your sister is not ready.

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@lucifef thank you that's really good advice. :)

Lucifer · 36-40, M

The last thing I should point out is that she may feel she is responsible somehow, because she wasn't able to stop him. She might feel complicit, because she either didn't say "no", or thinks she could have done more to stop him. Be aware of this, but don't talk about it unless she mentions it first.

SW-User

His behavior crossed lines
He is abusive, which means he will manipulate you
He sounds somewhat like my grandfather. Be careful but tell your sister to contact the cops or CYS if she doesn't want to see him. If you do, that is your decision, but she doesn't have to be around her abuser.

Lucifer · 36-40, M

Princess, I think you might need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he is a pedophile. You need to find out from your sister, and if he is then he needs locking up so he doesn't harm any other kids. Good luck, and be careful.

Groofydorkgerdo · 56-60, M

I don't know where you live, but in the U.S., California in particular, a child can choose whether or not to see either parent, especially when they get to those teen years.
Maybe it is like that where you live. You may want to check in to that.

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Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@lucifer don't be sorry at all. What you're saying has really helped me so thanks. Oh you've been through the same thing?😔 do you have any advice on what I can ask my sister then to get her to speak up? Hopefully, thank you!

Adaydreambeliever · 56-60, F

MY thoughts would be.. dont see him.. you dont have to at your age.. and re your mum.. if you cannot attend court you *can* at least write a letter that can be read out or taken into account.. your sister should do same..both of you say you dont want to see him and say why.. mention its NOT anything your mum said.. just that you dont want yo and you dont feel comfortable in his company.. plus all the other things.. in fact your post there says it all anyway.. Ask, no demand that this be used in court.. it will help your mum and more importantly it will let the court know your views.. the court MUST take into account the child's aka your wishes.. good luck

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@ludifer oh right:/ yeah it's horrible. What he's done isn't stated as sexual abuse. I've already spoken to child social workers and whatever he's doing isn't legal

jake60 · 61-69, M

dont mind the do gooders they arent the ones going to see him do u have any family members or real close friends u can tell about your fear of seeing him

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Lucifer · 36-40, M

princess - charities, and government services should be able to do it for free. Just see what's out there.

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@moonchild yeah I guess. Well they're saying she has to, so it's all very confusing. Thank you

jake60 · 61-69, M

u must have a real friend/relative u can trust tell them that way you have help

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@lucider it's hard to believe that. I'll ask again today. Thank you:)

gurlwatcher22 · 61-69, M

I agree with Riemann.Keep this monster out of your life FOR GOOD.

jake60 · 61-69, M

maybe he trys it on with your sister more than you listen to her

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jake60 · 61-69, M

better of without him you will be much happier

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@lucifer it makes me feel sick:( thank you so much

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@primnproper okay then, thank you:)

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Aperson · M

Don't see him. The End.

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@jake60 that's what I thought. I've asked her but she never wants to talk about it. I used to wake up and she wouldn't be in our room. She'd be downstairs with him or in his bed

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@primnproper yeah they've threatened to imprison her and she has to choose courses in which she'll be charged now. He's not counted as an abuser because he hasn't done anything major

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@vikiii thank you:) yeah social services and everything, they all don't see what he's done as illegal. Yeah they said my sister has to see him but supervise

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@jake60 I don't fear seeing him. I just feel uncomfortable. I guess I have close friends I could tell but it's awkward. Thanks

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Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@primnproper yeah exactly, so my sister is 14 so it's different for her. Thanks:) @john60 yeah I guess. Thank you

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@istillmissep but I didn't block you. You must've made it so that you can't talk to under 18's

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@greathands we're not allowed in the court, and I haven't seen my stepmom since either. Thank you though

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@cherokeepatti yeah good point, but if I was to see him my mum would get in trouble

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@istillmissep you were never blocked? It says I can't view your profile though

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@dorkgerdo the law here says that you can choose once you are 16. My sister is 14

Itsprincess · 22-25, F

@gurlwatcher thank you. @istillmissep no idea then

Booyeah · 41-45, M

There was nothing innocent about what he's been doing.

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