HEDDIE THE HAGGIS SHOCKS THE WINTER OLYMPICS, THEN GETS CUFFED
Spectators at the Winter Olympics were left utterly gobsmacked today after Heddie the Haggis barrelled onto the ski jump ramp, thundering down the inrun like a furry, whisky fuelled cannonball in a tartan jumpsuit.
Eyewitnesses in the crowd say Heddie appeared from behind a snow machine, strapped himself into a pair of skis fashioned on Irn Bru's coulour scheme and launched himself into the stratosphere.
What followed has already gone down in sporting history. Heddie soared through the sky, past the judges’ tower, past the safety barriers, and a staggering 20 METRES beyond the human world record, landing perfectly in a dramatic snow cloud before triumphantly brandishing a teacake to the crowd.
However, celebrations were short lived. As Heddie slid gracefully to a stop, Olympic security swooped in, slapping tiny handcuffs on the legendary haggis for illegally entering the competition without accreditation, skis certified by FIS, or even lengthed limbs.
Officials confirmed Heddie will not be allowed to keep his record, stating “If we accept this jump, we’d have to open the games to the unicorns, selkies, and Highland coos who are hanging about nearby and frankly, we’re not ready for that chaos.”
Meanwhile, fans have already started a petition and hashtags online:
#FreeHeddie #LetTheHaggisFly #WorldRecordOrWeRiot
Heddie the Haggis was last seen being escorted away in a snowmobile by police.
The real reason why Heddie was disqualified is not so much because he was unaccredited but more because of suspicion of doping.
It is a known fact that the vapors of the Loch Lomond whisky that Heddie the Eagle guzzled at large quantities have caused a major gut turmoil and the consequence of that excessive consumption helped him reach accelerated speeds that would not have been possible under normal circumstances.
Everyone knows Newton's 3rd. law of the physics which states that
"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction".
The expelled gases propelled Heddie as can be seen on this picture where you can witness the white steam being seen as an obvious doping attempt.
A sample has been collected and has been sent to the IOC antidoping lab in Lausanne/Switzerland for analysis. A full report is expected by Wednesday February 11th. 2026.
