I believe that there is a higher power and creator

It is just I feel the world the way it is was never a random accident. What caused the Big Bang and other phenomena? I feel there must be some kind of spiritual power at work. There must be something after we die. I believe in the afterlife and believe in god or gods and goddesses. Lately I have been feeling and hearing words inside my head almost like whispers ( not the schizophrenic kind). I believe god is talking to me and trying to hold open the door to allow the light in. Jesus is inviting me to trust in him and lay my problems at his feet. For some reason, I want to believe. A kind benevolent god whose love is for everyone is such a comforting thought. I wish my faith could return but I see so much wrong in the world and how I let my life turn out. I see how my family has suffered throughout the years and I ask why did we suffer? What was the point of that god? Was it to teach us a lesson about life and faith? Sometimes I wish I was dead so I could go back to Jesus and watch over my family and friends from the afterlife. I would no longer have to worry about what will happen to me after my parents pass away. I would no longer have to be worrying about being a burden on my family although they don’t view my mental illnesses and cancer as being a burden but just challenges I need to deal with and live with as best as I can. The cancer part should be resolved as soon as I finish my radiation therapy after a few weeks of resting from my cancer removal surgery. But it is the mental illness part and my lack of motivation to try improving my life because part of me just wants to die and have my life be over. I need to learn to take care of myself financially and psychologically because if I live decades longer I will not always.have someone to take care of me. There is so much to learn and so much I am scared of screwing up on. I’m afraid I will not be able to look after myself. My parents want me to have supports in place like an assisted independent living. Environment. My mom and sister.thought I should try a group home like setting until I was more independent and to transition myself to an independent living ( supportive living) environment once I learned the skills and practiced them enough when I eventually moved out of my parents house. My parents want me to keep my disability. Benefits for life. To have as a financial safety net. I can work part time and I think they think I may not. Be able to work because I am not showing them any completion of a vocational course or higher education that I am concentrating on to finish that will lead to a part time flexible remote career for me.( although they think I would benefit from a more structured onsite job with set hours during the week for a few hours a week maybe 10-15 hours at most) I can make up to about. $1,500 dollars per month before my disability benefits get cut off. They think I may not work at all or if I ever end up finishing my online vocational courses I could do my freelance work as much as much as the social
Security administration allows. My dad is eventually willing to send me back to university one course at a time to complete my bachelors. Although I wonder if over being a decade out of school if my community college credits would count toward a bachelors transferring my associates. Degree anymore or if I would have to start over again. That would take me many years to finish school. Part of me used to picture myself with a bachelors and masters degree and 20-35 hours a week or its equivalent for a career. If money and.time were no concern, ideally I would have two bachelors and masters degrees in English ( creative writing and journalism) and history ( world and U.S. history or public history).with vocational certificates of completion and diplomas in proofreading and editing, writing and blogging, transcription, translation. (Certificates in foreign/modern and ancient/classical languages,) and many other skillsets where I would. Get a diploma. Or a certificate of completion. I could also do scoping, court reporting/ broadcast captioning/cart providing,subtitling, digital marketing, visual design, web design/development, illustration and animation etc.

Yet realistically. I would be lucky to finish one bachelors and masters degrees or two. Bachelors degrees, I would even be fortunate enough to finish one bachelors degree and get vocational certificates or diplomas on top of that. I would be very lucky if I could work closer to full time and make my living without disability benefits and make enough to live on. I would be fortunate. If I made $50, 000-$100, 000 annually. It’s not a lot but if budgeted correctly and I found ways to. Reduce rental expenses. And housing I could live very comfortably. But if I don’t put in a serious effort to change my life none of my personal goals for my hobbies/interests/talents/passions/skillsets/aptitudes or my educational or professional ambitions will never come true. I also need to find the energy for house cleaning, laundry, cooking, house repairs and household management.( household shopping, taxes, bills, and insurance). I need to find the motivation. To get up by 11:00 am -12:00 pm every single day as I am not a morning person and don’t feel my energy pick up until around early afternoon, continue to increase in the evening hours, and staying that way until late night into the early hours of the morning. and start my day earlier not leaving my bed at 3:00 -4:00 pm even though. By the time I go to bed at 4 or. 5 am the latest with decent amount of sleep I should be waking up at noon to one pm the very latest.

I ask Jesus and God to help me figure out my life and to find the motivation to see through my hobbies/interests/passions/talents/skillsets/aptitudes cultivated to an advanced level. I ask them to see that I create motivation and discipline for my educational and professional goals. To have. The ability to live on my own and take care of a household of one and be able to travel and volunteer. It’s a long way to go but if I can live on my own and be self. Motivated. Naturally by sometime in my middle age whether that be late 30s-( not middle aged until 40s) to 40-50 I will consider my later life a success even if the. First half of my life was a failure. That depends on my cancer and how many decades I have to live. If my cancer comes back it could cut my life short. I pray to god to give me. Something to live for besides my family. I don’t know if I will ever love someone romantically. Again or if I my friends will become close life long. Friends. Let god let me be able to move from New England after a few years of living on my own here as a starting point. And live in another part of the United States especially the southwest United States. I hope I will not always have to live. Close to my family for support and socialization. I pray god let me. Be able to drive a car again someday so I can bring myself places instead of having to wait for rides. And to learn. To use public transportation as a back up so I know how to get around towns and cities. I pray for an independent life where I don’t have to hear my family criticize and comment. In my overly warm clothing choices. I hope I can live an independent adult life or at minimum. A semi independent life. My end dream wasn’t an assisted living facility. And I ask god to get rid of my broken heart for a person I can no longer have. Maybe I will find a spouse who can help me with life responsibilities and who will love me despite all my flaws. I already lost the love of my life because of my fault. I hope I can find love again to patch up. The hole in my heart. I pray to god for a lot of things.