I Am Not In Control
God is in control, and I am having to learn this all over again.
We have 10 grandchildren, but we adopted 4 grandchildren, as babies. These became our children. They were all born premature, and because of this, they have varying levels of disabilities, ranging from mild to moderate. As babies, they needed to be fed every 2 hours around the clock to catch up physically. They caught up in this way, but they still struggled with disabilities. We tried public school for them, but after 7 years, it became clear that special ed wasn't helping them. We brought them home and schooled them. I have always had to be super involved with everything concerning them. This has led me to fear for their future. (This is something I should have known better than to do.) So, when the kids were all young, we all talked about things like getting boyfriends and girlfriends, Husbands and wives, having children, and things like this. Together, we all decided that wasn't going to be in their future. My Husband told me right then and there that this was delusional, but he just left it up to us to figure this out.
Our older two children had ripped out my heart by this time. They were both very wild, and the 4 grandchildren we adopted, we adopted because our daughter, at 20 years old had four children and was headed for a divorce. She was young and wild, and much of this was my fault. Our oldest son was as wild, and he had one daughter by 20, but the girl's mother was underage, and he spent time in prison because of this. You see, the example my Husband and I set was I was 14 when we got together, and he was older. When we got together, it wasn't against my mother's wishes, so no charges were pressed against us. However, my son's baby's grandmother pressed charges against him. My Husband and I made the mistake of thinking our older two kids could live the same kind of life we had lived, but this wasn't true at all, and they suffered for it.
So, with these 4 kids, I tried to do much different. One of the things I did was I became determined that none of them would be teen parents. I said that on this site once, and a person asked me how I planned to keep that from happening, and I answered that I let them all watch the birth of their half-brother (from their biological mother). They were young enough that this left a huge impression on them, especially the girls. They didn't want any part of that. I also didn't encourage them to think about getting boyfriedns or girlfriedns. Although for a long time I honestly believed that they would stand by what we had all agreed to, it became clear that, as usual, my Husband was wiser than I was. Still, these 4 kids are the first generation in at least 15 generations in my family line to avoid being teen parents.
When the oldest boy hit 16, he started thinking along the lines of a girlfriend, and I think 2 of the girls started thinking about boyfriends at the same age. They didn't talk to me about it, but if I am honest, I think they were changing their minds then. Fast forward until their early 20's, and now one of the girls has had an online boyfriend for one year. I agreed to let her do this because she needed to experience this. I honestly thought it was online; it won't last, but it did. So, yesterday, my Husband and I told her that if her boyfriend wanted to move here, get a job, and a place to live, and get to know us for 6 months, we would consent to them living together for 6 months. If that went well, we would consent to their marriage. Well, her boyfriend is all for this and is working on finding a job here now.
So, of course, I'm all freaking out. My experience with all this boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is only what I experienced with the oldest two children, and that was the hardest trial I have ever lived through. All this has shown me once again that I am not in control. That Elohim's will shall be done no matter what. In order to keep from being terrified by all this, I have to have complete faith in Elohim. This is something I always strive to do, but this time the terror inside me is testing my faith. Still, I know Elohim has never let me down, and he has always protected all of us, even when we have had to go through tribulations. So no matter how this all turns out, I know Elohim will be with us. I know his will shall be done, and that he will give us all the strength to get through this. I also know that Elohim works all things to the advantage of those who believe in him.
No matter how much I try to plan my life, if my plan is not the same as Elohim's plan, my plan will fail. I am not in charge. I wish I could always remember this all the time, but as a human, I forget this every single solitary day. I pray that someday Elohim will perfect me, but right now, I will struggle every day to stop trying to take control of things I can never have control of.
I have faith that Elohim will keep my daughter safe, but even if she has trials and tribulations in her future, I have faith that Elohim will never leave her side. This is where I am finding the strength to get through this change. I am terrible with change, and Elohim knows this too, so he is drawing me close to him right now, as his plan unfolds. I will draw on his strength and his will be done.
[media=https://youtu.be/dyWn9hMeFSU]
We have 10 grandchildren, but we adopted 4 grandchildren, as babies. These became our children. They were all born premature, and because of this, they have varying levels of disabilities, ranging from mild to moderate. As babies, they needed to be fed every 2 hours around the clock to catch up physically. They caught up in this way, but they still struggled with disabilities. We tried public school for them, but after 7 years, it became clear that special ed wasn't helping them. We brought them home and schooled them. I have always had to be super involved with everything concerning them. This has led me to fear for their future. (This is something I should have known better than to do.) So, when the kids were all young, we all talked about things like getting boyfriends and girlfriends, Husbands and wives, having children, and things like this. Together, we all decided that wasn't going to be in their future. My Husband told me right then and there that this was delusional, but he just left it up to us to figure this out.
Our older two children had ripped out my heart by this time. They were both very wild, and the 4 grandchildren we adopted, we adopted because our daughter, at 20 years old had four children and was headed for a divorce. She was young and wild, and much of this was my fault. Our oldest son was as wild, and he had one daughter by 20, but the girl's mother was underage, and he spent time in prison because of this. You see, the example my Husband and I set was I was 14 when we got together, and he was older. When we got together, it wasn't against my mother's wishes, so no charges were pressed against us. However, my son's baby's grandmother pressed charges against him. My Husband and I made the mistake of thinking our older two kids could live the same kind of life we had lived, but this wasn't true at all, and they suffered for it.
So, with these 4 kids, I tried to do much different. One of the things I did was I became determined that none of them would be teen parents. I said that on this site once, and a person asked me how I planned to keep that from happening, and I answered that I let them all watch the birth of their half-brother (from their biological mother). They were young enough that this left a huge impression on them, especially the girls. They didn't want any part of that. I also didn't encourage them to think about getting boyfriedns or girlfriedns. Although for a long time I honestly believed that they would stand by what we had all agreed to, it became clear that, as usual, my Husband was wiser than I was. Still, these 4 kids are the first generation in at least 15 generations in my family line to avoid being teen parents.
When the oldest boy hit 16, he started thinking along the lines of a girlfriend, and I think 2 of the girls started thinking about boyfriends at the same age. They didn't talk to me about it, but if I am honest, I think they were changing their minds then. Fast forward until their early 20's, and now one of the girls has had an online boyfriend for one year. I agreed to let her do this because she needed to experience this. I honestly thought it was online; it won't last, but it did. So, yesterday, my Husband and I told her that if her boyfriend wanted to move here, get a job, and a place to live, and get to know us for 6 months, we would consent to them living together for 6 months. If that went well, we would consent to their marriage. Well, her boyfriend is all for this and is working on finding a job here now.
So, of course, I'm all freaking out. My experience with all this boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is only what I experienced with the oldest two children, and that was the hardest trial I have ever lived through. All this has shown me once again that I am not in control. That Elohim's will shall be done no matter what. In order to keep from being terrified by all this, I have to have complete faith in Elohim. This is something I always strive to do, but this time the terror inside me is testing my faith. Still, I know Elohim has never let me down, and he has always protected all of us, even when we have had to go through tribulations. So no matter how this all turns out, I know Elohim will be with us. I know his will shall be done, and that he will give us all the strength to get through this. I also know that Elohim works all things to the advantage of those who believe in him.
No matter how much I try to plan my life, if my plan is not the same as Elohim's plan, my plan will fail. I am not in charge. I wish I could always remember this all the time, but as a human, I forget this every single solitary day. I pray that someday Elohim will perfect me, but right now, I will struggle every day to stop trying to take control of things I can never have control of.
I have faith that Elohim will keep my daughter safe, but even if she has trials and tribulations in her future, I have faith that Elohim will never leave her side. This is where I am finding the strength to get through this change. I am terrible with change, and Elohim knows this too, so he is drawing me close to him right now, as his plan unfolds. I will draw on his strength and his will be done.
[media=https://youtu.be/dyWn9hMeFSU]
56-60, F
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