I Am On a Spiritual Journey
A path and journey of spiritual solitude
(My room):
I've always had issues with being alone. I haven't really had friends in a very long time and I haven't had a girlfriend in even longer. I always use to convince myself that I was fine by myself but each time that I tried to convince myself of this lie, I would notice a mental break down within myself and it would set me off track, taking me back two steps from where I originally was. I just wouldn't notice it in the moment. I've spent most of my days in my room for the past few years of my existence. I'm not naive to think that wouldn't do something to a "normal" healthy person. I know I can choose to go outside if I want to as my dad used to say and I would take many walks, try to make new friends but nothing really changed. I would still find myself in my room, wasting away. I would start to question myself and ask myself "will this always be my life."
The one thing I never did was feel sorry for myself. The only thing that I wanted to do was figure out a way to break out of this isolation that I felt trapped in. As of this moment I'm not employed, though I am waiting on a job program that I got approval from which I should hear back from them within a couple of weeks. When I was employed though, I still found myself in the same boat, which was in my room. Every new job I got, I was always like "yes, this is my chance to make new friends and start over" and it never happened. Maybe I tried way too hard and people could sense it, maybe they could smell the desperation a mile away and maybe my anxiety made me over think a lot of these situations. Either way I never chose to look at myself as the victim. I just couldn't figure out why I was always so stuck. I've tried to play the outgoing, talkative person and I came off as a total weirdo freak and I've tried to play the loner guy, thinking I'd look cool but instead I would come off as an anti social, anxious person.
Everything always backfired. I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't solve this rubix cube. Most of my memories for the past few years were made in this room, it wasn't hanging out with my non existent girlfriend, it wasn't hanging out with a group of people, making memories. It was me being in my room and watching movies and shows, vicariously living thru my favorite characters, wishing but not fully admitting to myself that could be me one day. I'm not sitting here saying I was in my room 24.7 for the past few years but the majority of the time I was, even when I was employed and trying to create a busy schedule but I noticed that no matter what I tried to do, I always found that my biggest, most profound memory was sitting in my room, in front of the computer, on youtube, writing music, and watching movies. I'm 25 years old and a lot of people are still going to consider me young but I truly feel I wasted my "spring chicken" years being depressed and anxiety driven in this room.
Every single time I'd get close to creating a circle for myself, I'd always end up just being reduced to this room. I truly never enjoyed being alone. I always understood that some times having alone time is good, it gives you a sense of clarity, not relying on others for self worth and validation. There is still something to be said about a healthy balance and just like being social all the time can be detrimental, I realized being alone all the time has the same if not worse effect. I decided this month to get back to my physical health and exercise, because I was slipping back into my old ways of junk food and being a pure gluten. Shortly after this new diet and fitness plan to get back to being healthy, something hit me while I was on an online dating app and not having success as usual. I felt this spirit guide telling me to be one with my own spirit. It told me to go outside and meditate. I used to try and meditate in my room and I never felt much different afterwards but this wasn't just some idea to meditate outside.
This felt deeper. It felt like I actually connected with some kind of spirit or maybe my own and it was making me understand that I didn't have to suffer alone. We are all one with our spirit but some times our spirit tries to tell us something. I'm not becoming a Buddhist and I feel you don't have to be to be with one with your spirit and meditate. I never gave up on finding an answer to my overly anti-social life and I'm not saying this is the answer by any means but I feel it's definitely a start. It almost feels like part of the answer was right here, it wasn't in some crowded place or a place where you see people in groups of 5 laughing and smiling, having a great time. It was right here, it was me this entire time. Thank you for reading.
(This was really for my own documentation but I wanted to share with people who maybe going thru similar things or people who just like reading real stories but if you have anything negative to say please refrain from doing so, thank you.)
(My room):
I've always had issues with being alone. I haven't really had friends in a very long time and I haven't had a girlfriend in even longer. I always use to convince myself that I was fine by myself but each time that I tried to convince myself of this lie, I would notice a mental break down within myself and it would set me off track, taking me back two steps from where I originally was. I just wouldn't notice it in the moment. I've spent most of my days in my room for the past few years of my existence. I'm not naive to think that wouldn't do something to a "normal" healthy person. I know I can choose to go outside if I want to as my dad used to say and I would take many walks, try to make new friends but nothing really changed. I would still find myself in my room, wasting away. I would start to question myself and ask myself "will this always be my life."
The one thing I never did was feel sorry for myself. The only thing that I wanted to do was figure out a way to break out of this isolation that I felt trapped in. As of this moment I'm not employed, though I am waiting on a job program that I got approval from which I should hear back from them within a couple of weeks. When I was employed though, I still found myself in the same boat, which was in my room. Every new job I got, I was always like "yes, this is my chance to make new friends and start over" and it never happened. Maybe I tried way too hard and people could sense it, maybe they could smell the desperation a mile away and maybe my anxiety made me over think a lot of these situations. Either way I never chose to look at myself as the victim. I just couldn't figure out why I was always so stuck. I've tried to play the outgoing, talkative person and I came off as a total weirdo freak and I've tried to play the loner guy, thinking I'd look cool but instead I would come off as an anti social, anxious person.
Everything always backfired. I just couldn't figure out why I couldn't solve this rubix cube. Most of my memories for the past few years were made in this room, it wasn't hanging out with my non existent girlfriend, it wasn't hanging out with a group of people, making memories. It was me being in my room and watching movies and shows, vicariously living thru my favorite characters, wishing but not fully admitting to myself that could be me one day. I'm not sitting here saying I was in my room 24.7 for the past few years but the majority of the time I was, even when I was employed and trying to create a busy schedule but I noticed that no matter what I tried to do, I always found that my biggest, most profound memory was sitting in my room, in front of the computer, on youtube, writing music, and watching movies. I'm 25 years old and a lot of people are still going to consider me young but I truly feel I wasted my "spring chicken" years being depressed and anxiety driven in this room.
Every single time I'd get close to creating a circle for myself, I'd always end up just being reduced to this room. I truly never enjoyed being alone. I always understood that some times having alone time is good, it gives you a sense of clarity, not relying on others for self worth and validation. There is still something to be said about a healthy balance and just like being social all the time can be detrimental, I realized being alone all the time has the same if not worse effect. I decided this month to get back to my physical health and exercise, because I was slipping back into my old ways of junk food and being a pure gluten. Shortly after this new diet and fitness plan to get back to being healthy, something hit me while I was on an online dating app and not having success as usual. I felt this spirit guide telling me to be one with my own spirit. It told me to go outside and meditate. I used to try and meditate in my room and I never felt much different afterwards but this wasn't just some idea to meditate outside.
This felt deeper. It felt like I actually connected with some kind of spirit or maybe my own and it was making me understand that I didn't have to suffer alone. We are all one with our spirit but some times our spirit tries to tell us something. I'm not becoming a Buddhist and I feel you don't have to be to be with one with your spirit and meditate. I never gave up on finding an answer to my overly anti-social life and I'm not saying this is the answer by any means but I feel it's definitely a start. It almost feels like part of the answer was right here, it wasn't in some crowded place or a place where you see people in groups of 5 laughing and smiling, having a great time. It was right here, it was me this entire time. Thank you for reading.
(This was really for my own documentation but I wanted to share with people who maybe going thru similar things or people who just like reading real stories but if you have anything negative to say please refrain from doing so, thank you.)
26-30, M
