The song happier by marshmello and Bastille always makes me cry

It’s about the bittersweet ending of a relationship and sacrificing in the name of selfless love and putting one’s former partner first so that they can be happier even if it causes pain and heartbreak to the singer. It’s also about loss and the cycle of life. It reminds me of what my ex boyfriend did for me he told me he didn’t want to hurt me anymore having an online relationship and it wasn’t good for my future. He stayed broken up with me for my own good but the truth is without him I’m not happier. Two years have passed since our breakup and though I broke up with him first to spare him from waiting around for me to become financially independent and to spare him from dealing with my mental illnesses and I also left a little lonely in an online relationship even though he tried to pay me as much attention as possible. I really loved him and still do. He was my good friend for eight months after our breakup but then he stopped the friendship after he got engaged. He told me to please take care and have a good life. He never talked to me again. I was devastated and still am to this day. I regret breaking up with him. I told him goodbye a year and a half later after sending him emails and messages to try to get him to be my good friend again. I also told him about my cancer diagnosis hoping he would come back and be my friend. I don’t even know if he got any of my emails and messages except. For one he opened on Snapchat two summers ago telling him how my grandfather died and I was depressed. Maybe he didn’t realize it was me at first. I miss him so much and though I am happy for him he found someone else to love, I. Still needed him at least as a good friend. Not even my cancer diagnosis. ( if he got. The email) will make him break his no contact decision and be there for me. He didn’t have to push me aside I would have let him love his wife and be faithful to her. I still needed him in my life though as a friend if not a lover, but I guess he decided it was not a good idea and maybe disrespectful to his wife to have his. Ex girlfriend as a platonic friend. We were best friends first long ago before we ever started dating. All I can assume now is he no longer cares about me or put my emails and. Messages in spam or junk folder. I tried calling him before to talk to him but he I think ended up blocking my phone number because.when I tried to call it said the caller was currently busy. I tried to reach out to keep our. Friendship intact for nothing. And I had to give up. Wow not even me having cancer is enough to make him check in on me and talk to me again. I just can’t believe how fast his emotions cooled towards me. He loved me once that much I do know. He promised me we would always be friends before he met his wife ( then girlfriend and fiancee.) now I assume she must be his wife. I had no intention of breaking up their engagement or having him as my boyfriend again knowing he was courting this woman after he told me. I just always wanted to stay in each others lives and I never got over him two years later. I listen to the song “ happier” and cry. I have had trouble getting out of bed for days on end before 2-3 pm I’m so depressed and miserable even though I went to see the pumpkin spectacular at the Roger Williams park zoo in providence Rhode Island yesterday with my mom. Losing him really fucked me up. It’s so pathetic that I am still so in love with someone who doesn’t give a crap about me anymore. I know holding on this long isn’t normal and is unhealthy. I don’t think I’ll ever get over him. He probably doesn’t even think about me anymore. Now that I have cancer, I wish I could do my life over again and one thing is that I wish we could have made a life together in real life even if it was only for a few years. I wish I finished my vocational courses so I could have started making money to save up and eventually move out on my own and get a credit history etc. I wish I took them seriously and didn’t give up when I got confused on course content or final exams because my life results could have been much different a few years ago. I wish I finished my university education too. My life could have turned out so differently. I think I will love him until I die and I wish in the afterlife we could meet again. I have a very good chance of beating my cancer diagnosis and maybe I will live decades more.but the pain doesn’t go away. He was my comfort and my rock when I needed someone to be there for me even if it was virtually. I feel you can die from a broken heart. I was never the same after losing him. Sujeet touched me so profoundly in my life and was so good and patient with me. I also wish my parents helped me bring him to America. So we could meet and spend time together in person and he could have stayed with us. But they didn’t know him enough. I know some people would just say get over it but it hasn’t been easy. I know he’s never coming back not even as a friend. Even though need him now more than ever, he has not responded to me in a year and seven months. I want to be happier but I just don’t know how. My psychiatrist might try to increase the.antidepressants or abilify. To help with mood a bit. Sometimes I feel I have nothing left to live for now that my true love is gone. Just gone without a trace… I just wish I could die in my sleep without pain and just peacefully pass away. My parents would no longer have to worry about what would happen to me if I could take care of myself or not. My family could mourn me and move on with their lives. I wouldn’t be a burden anymore. Though they never called me a burden but I feel that way. I just feel so sick of everything. Love was not enough to save me from myself and all my problems. I wish it was. I wish he could be by my side and just hold me tight and tell me I was going to be ok. I wish I tried harder for my family and to live so they could have peace in their minds that I could take care of my self. I wish I didn’t develop the problems I did and I just turned out normally functional and thriving. Why did god do this to me? My family’s love is not enough. I’m sinking into a black hole. Why did he have to leave me with no friendship, no consolation?