Long rant. Don’t care if anyone reads it, just gotta let it out.
I thought we had a decent arrangement. Friends that have sex. No commitment or mushy stuff. Just pure fun. And it was while it lasted I guess.
I gave to him. Often more than he could handle. Hours and hours of passion, his cock received the royal treatment. I took good care of him because I liked to, but I noticed when I was aching for touch or just a little effort, he was only sittin back, chillin with his dick in my mouth. No touching, no caressing, not even rough stuff. He would reciprocate, but I could tell it was lazy.
Over time the rude things he would say and do were piling up. As friends and as fuck buddies, he must of thought he had the upper hand and his actions were becoming predictable.
I called him out on some of the things he said, including calling me a, “weird fuck date” to one of his friends I just met right in front of me. I called him out for being lazy and greedy with my efforts. There was a lot, I had realized, I was tolerating because he had a big dick and i could have it any time I wanted.
He lied so much 😆 He swore he never said the things he said. He said he didn’t know how to have sex 😂 I let him hurt me sometimes because pain is kind of a turn on for me, then he told me that I hurt him when he went down on me and I moved my hips 😆
The best part was I had explained to him months before that I believed I was addicted to sex. Because of PTSD, I’ve always been hyper sexual, but at the time I was trying to feel safe. I needed sex, but just one person I could trust. I don’t want stds or to end up murdered in a parking lot. I thought he was my friend too. But when I told him I was worried about being addicted, when I told him I couldn’t stop and I was worried what effect it would have after awhile, he kept right on pressuring. That hurt big time, but also, I wanted the sex.
I couldn’t stop myself and after the past few months of this giving and getting treated like trash, my libido slammed the door on me and my heart was like, bitch this isn’t even fun anymore.
It turned into an argument. I spoke up for myself and he didn’t like it. That was when he told me I hurt him because I couldn’t hold perfectly still while enjoying oral sex. Said he never called me a weird fuck date, denied the other things he said and blamed me somehow for being too horny. I walked out and ignored him the rest of the week.
We only met on Saturday nights. It was my only free time. Last night he tried to get me to come over and I said no. I’m not turned on by him anymore. Only his cock. Which it’s hard to even think about because I want cock so much.
But I have yet to meet a man who could give me pleasure and respect. I thought I was asking the bare minimum of him. He was completely inconsiderate and I let it go because I wondered if that’s what being a good fwb is. I thought it was sexy we could both live our life and join for sex because we weren’t compatible when our clothes were on. But he treated me like trash and I let him.
I have decided I need to keep to myself. Maybe I can get some dick here and there, but I’m done seeking ANYTHING.
Men don’t want to love me. They don’t want to respect me or please me and they don’t care how I feel. The part that hurts is that’s what I’m ready to give. I’m ready to give it all. I love to see men smile. I love pleasing and giving. But all I’ve ever known of men is that they take until you’re empty. They leave you with a bigger mess than you started and don’t care.
If I spend the remainder of my life alone, I will be certain that was my fate all along. Because I’ve only ever been treated poorly. I could blame my dad or the men that raped me. I could blame inequality but truth is nobody cares. They get they want and they don’t care.
It’s not like I don’t believe in good guys. I adore my son. But I can’t find one good one and I only attract the worst kind. I wonder if I’ll always just be trash to men. If there’s no possible way for anyone to see me as the much more I am. Or if I’m just empty now. Drained and dry. No good for anything at all.
I always did my best to be good to people, but I’m just here in existence to be drained. I put everything into being a mom except Saturday night. But last night I went to the gym. I did something for myself and my health.
I always wondered how some women can get whatever they want from men and these good guys always end up with some bitch. But I get nothing. Whether daughter, doting wife, or fwb, I mean nothing to the male population except what I give. It hurts my everything. Body, heart, spirit. How did I end up nothing?
I gave to him. Often more than he could handle. Hours and hours of passion, his cock received the royal treatment. I took good care of him because I liked to, but I noticed when I was aching for touch or just a little effort, he was only sittin back, chillin with his dick in my mouth. No touching, no caressing, not even rough stuff. He would reciprocate, but I could tell it was lazy.
Over time the rude things he would say and do were piling up. As friends and as fuck buddies, he must of thought he had the upper hand and his actions were becoming predictable.
I called him out on some of the things he said, including calling me a, “weird fuck date” to one of his friends I just met right in front of me. I called him out for being lazy and greedy with my efforts. There was a lot, I had realized, I was tolerating because he had a big dick and i could have it any time I wanted.
He lied so much 😆 He swore he never said the things he said. He said he didn’t know how to have sex 😂 I let him hurt me sometimes because pain is kind of a turn on for me, then he told me that I hurt him when he went down on me and I moved my hips 😆
The best part was I had explained to him months before that I believed I was addicted to sex. Because of PTSD, I’ve always been hyper sexual, but at the time I was trying to feel safe. I needed sex, but just one person I could trust. I don’t want stds or to end up murdered in a parking lot. I thought he was my friend too. But when I told him I was worried about being addicted, when I told him I couldn’t stop and I was worried what effect it would have after awhile, he kept right on pressuring. That hurt big time, but also, I wanted the sex.
I couldn’t stop myself and after the past few months of this giving and getting treated like trash, my libido slammed the door on me and my heart was like, bitch this isn’t even fun anymore.
It turned into an argument. I spoke up for myself and he didn’t like it. That was when he told me I hurt him because I couldn’t hold perfectly still while enjoying oral sex. Said he never called me a weird fuck date, denied the other things he said and blamed me somehow for being too horny. I walked out and ignored him the rest of the week.
We only met on Saturday nights. It was my only free time. Last night he tried to get me to come over and I said no. I’m not turned on by him anymore. Only his cock. Which it’s hard to even think about because I want cock so much.
But I have yet to meet a man who could give me pleasure and respect. I thought I was asking the bare minimum of him. He was completely inconsiderate and I let it go because I wondered if that’s what being a good fwb is. I thought it was sexy we could both live our life and join for sex because we weren’t compatible when our clothes were on. But he treated me like trash and I let him.
I have decided I need to keep to myself. Maybe I can get some dick here and there, but I’m done seeking ANYTHING.
Men don’t want to love me. They don’t want to respect me or please me and they don’t care how I feel. The part that hurts is that’s what I’m ready to give. I’m ready to give it all. I love to see men smile. I love pleasing and giving. But all I’ve ever known of men is that they take until you’re empty. They leave you with a bigger mess than you started and don’t care.
If I spend the remainder of my life alone, I will be certain that was my fate all along. Because I’ve only ever been treated poorly. I could blame my dad or the men that raped me. I could blame inequality but truth is nobody cares. They get they want and they don’t care.
It’s not like I don’t believe in good guys. I adore my son. But I can’t find one good one and I only attract the worst kind. I wonder if I’ll always just be trash to men. If there’s no possible way for anyone to see me as the much more I am. Or if I’m just empty now. Drained and dry. No good for anything at all.
I always did my best to be good to people, but I’m just here in existence to be drained. I put everything into being a mom except Saturday night. But last night I went to the gym. I did something for myself and my health.
I always wondered how some women can get whatever they want from men and these good guys always end up with some bitch. But I get nothing. Whether daughter, doting wife, or fwb, I mean nothing to the male population except what I give. It hurts my everything. Body, heart, spirit. How did I end up nothing?
36-40, F
