I Appreciate Honesty

I'll be honest with you and myself. Recently, when I feel down, I've been having thoughts about self-harm. Few days ago, I was holding a knife at my room. I wanted to cut my thigh. I really wanted to. At that point, bleeding seemed so comforting, somehow. I dropped the knife at the last moment. I asked myself.. what's the point? Like why do I have to punish myself like that? I've never had such dark thoughts before now, not even in my teens.