2018? When my marriage was destroyed and my best friend started spreading lies about me and my situation and I lost EVERYTHING.
August 2022? When there wasn't a week that I didn't recieve word that someone else in my life was no longer in my life. Starting with one of the best men I have ever met in my life. The one person who kept me from ridding myself of all of the misery and pain, by staying by my side EVERY day and helped me navigate through it. I miss you Bear. 💔
This morning? As we plan out what we needs to happen today. *Focus on your breathing. Hear your heartbeat. Do not close your eyes. Stay in this moment. These are the things that you can control right now.*
I go through this exercise a dozen times a day. Just to keep it between the lines. You see I am watching over 2 of my favorite people in this world. Because 1 one of em has been battling cancer that should have killed him 3 years ago. 2 strokes about 2 months ago. But he is still here. Right now he is in rehab and my brother and I are holding everything in his life together and prepping the apartment for when he comes home. It ain't easy in the least bit. He is starting to give up. And both me and my brother have noticed the signs. 💔
My brother. He is some piece of work. I have been watching and visiting and sometimes sending him into the hospital over the last year. He is dying of heart failure. His heart as actually been restarted 3 times in these past 3 months.
I am here because I get trapped my by own words. In a moment of "carefree" insanity I pledge my loyalty to these men *at diffent moments* By telling them to their face that I would always stand by there side. Whether they right or wrong. So long as they do not make a fool of us with the results. If I hear a declaration fall out of my mouth, (no matter what sobriety level I happened to be camped out at that particular moment) my mind and this absolutely insane, sense of honor will bind me to a pledge of the smallest decree. *heavy sigh*
When they are gone I think that I shall seek out the deadliest person that I can find and hire them to turn me into a huge, beautiful , loud , destructive, hot, life threating explosion. That vaporizers my existence.
So that I can't be of any use or threat to anybody ever again. 🤔
