Barely recognizing my own codependent behaviors 😶
When things end, whether it was good or bad, I always have to analyze everything after. I spend so much time just reflecting & trying to figure out the reasons.. trying to understand myself so that I can grow & change 🖤
Lately now, I'm realizing that I may put others above myself too much.. & allow my feelings not to become my own anymore 😔
As I try to trace it back & understand why.. I think about my upbringing. The way me & my siblings were abused & I so often took the blame for things, or covered for them because I knew I could take it better than them. I was trying to protect them because nobody protected me.
I used to remove the locks/alarms, knowing I'd get in trouble, but I did it anyway because my sister needed to eat.
I grew up as the "bad kid". I have a good heart & I care a lot, but I just allowed myself to be the "bad kid" & maybe part of that is because I put myself down so much 😶 & didn't care. I never thought I was anything special & I never believed in myself... but I believe in others so much easier.
I see the good in people & I do my best to be there for them even when I know I'm falling apart 😔 I think that's where I get my purpose.
I've always felt like I'm only alive for others... That my life doesn't matter & I'm meant to suffer just so I can use that to help everyone else.
Suddenly I'm realizing all of this & thinking "wow... I do this in every relationship".
I put myself down & lift them up. Then the happiness it brings me... plus them being so appreciative & loving because of it... gives me that feeling of love & care & that's what makes me feel that self love 🥺
It doesn't even come from myself 🙁
It's hard for me to love myself so when somebody else loves me, I make them my whole world. They become my self love. They help me care about myself... because when I'm on my own it's sooo much harder to 😔
Which is maybe why I crumble when I lose that.
I didn't only lose the person... I lost my self love 💔
That must be why I self destruct so badly.
Just something I'm thinking about today 🙏 & now I'm realizing just how much I've been doing wrong.. how toxic I've been at times 😣 I let the hurt take over & it's the same hurt thats always been there. It just hides because it's never healed.
I'm learning even at this very moment... & I can't be that same person anymore ❤️
Thus, starts a new journey I suppose ⛅
Lately now, I'm realizing that I may put others above myself too much.. & allow my feelings not to become my own anymore 😔
As I try to trace it back & understand why.. I think about my upbringing. The way me & my siblings were abused & I so often took the blame for things, or covered for them because I knew I could take it better than them. I was trying to protect them because nobody protected me.
I used to remove the locks/alarms, knowing I'd get in trouble, but I did it anyway because my sister needed to eat.
I grew up as the "bad kid". I have a good heart & I care a lot, but I just allowed myself to be the "bad kid" & maybe part of that is because I put myself down so much 😶 & didn't care. I never thought I was anything special & I never believed in myself... but I believe in others so much easier.
I see the good in people & I do my best to be there for them even when I know I'm falling apart 😔 I think that's where I get my purpose.
I've always felt like I'm only alive for others... That my life doesn't matter & I'm meant to suffer just so I can use that to help everyone else.
Suddenly I'm realizing all of this & thinking "wow... I do this in every relationship".
I put myself down & lift them up. Then the happiness it brings me... plus them being so appreciative & loving because of it... gives me that feeling of love & care & that's what makes me feel that self love 🥺
It doesn't even come from myself 🙁
It's hard for me to love myself so when somebody else loves me, I make them my whole world. They become my self love. They help me care about myself... because when I'm on my own it's sooo much harder to 😔
Which is maybe why I crumble when I lose that.
I didn't only lose the person... I lost my self love 💔
That must be why I self destruct so badly.
Just something I'm thinking about today 🙏 & now I'm realizing just how much I've been doing wrong.. how toxic I've been at times 😣 I let the hurt take over & it's the same hurt thats always been there. It just hides because it's never healed.
I'm learning even at this very moment... & I can't be that same person anymore ❤️
Thus, starts a new journey I suppose ⛅
