The cycles of joy/sadness are growing smaller, I laugh when I cry it’s so silly I’ve believed that being a good person mattered.

I really believed someone would love us. Would see what I did on my own and respect my courage and tenacity. But I get nothing. Not even common courtesy. And if I stand up, it’s futile, I’m always the oddball and remain dead to people unless I’m doing whatever they want me to do. I am a freak. Too smart to be this horny all the time. Too smart to keep believing someone would show up for me. Like fully show up with a hug and listening ears. People just tell you what to do, and if you won’t do it their way, they’re done with you. People who have like parents and families telling me I’m weak 😆 Bitch if nobody ever had your back you’d cry too.

But here I am blasting into nothingness again.

It’s not about loving myself. I have no problem loving myself or anyone else. It’s that I am invisible. I am already dead. A ghost who no one wants around pestering them to believe they exist.

I get it. I get it life, everyone, god or whatever, you don’t like me. You don’t want or need me. You don’t care if I live or die. I don’t matter. It’s the truth.

No matter what I do for my son I’m not enough. I’m gonna live with that because I’d never leave him. Poor, sweet boy. He deserves so much more but we lost everyone.

I didn’t ask for this. I don’t deserve this. But I am just this, nothing.