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I saw him tonight… and it messed with me

Growing up, my mom believed in spanking. And honestly, I know a lot of parents did back then and still do, so that’s not really the point of this post.

My parents divorced when I was 2, and my dad remarried. I didn’t see him or his wife very often, but when I did, we went to church. I wasn’t raised in church by my mom or grandparents, but we do believe in God.

What I can’t wrap my head around is this…

My dad allowed the pastor of his church to spank me. Not once, but twice.

The first time, I was 9. I remember my mom absolutely flipping out when she found out. She didn’t even let me go back to my dad’s for a while because of it… even though, yes, she allowed other adults to discipline me too.

Then two years later, I went back to that same church… and it happened again. I was 11. It caused such a big blow-up that my mom and stepmom almost got into a physical fight over it.

Fast forward to tonight… I’m at Walmart, just minding my business, and I see him. That pastor. For the first time since I was a kid. He’s probably in his late 60s now.

And it just… hit me.

All the memories. All the feelings. Stuff I hadn’t thought about in years.

I just can’t imagine, as a parent now, ever allowing someone—especially someone who is basically a stranger—to put their hands on my child like that.

Like… what was my dad thinking?

And my mom’s a better woman than me, because I probably absolutely would’ve been locked up… because I would’ve been throwing hands and smiling in my mugshot.
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InstructHer · 61-69, M
Do you know why he allowed that? I can understand if a girl did not have a father to discipline her but he was there and it should have been his job.
CharityRae · 36-40, F
@InstructHer I’m really not sure… I guess because I had been disrespectful to the pastor/church, so my dad thought he should be the one to discipline me.
My dad and stepmom didn’t spank all that much anyway.
InstructHer · 61-69, M
@CharityRae that may justify the spanking, do you think it worked or just confused you? I always took responsibility for my daughter's discipline.
CharityRae · 36-40, F
@InstructHer it worked but confused, embarrassed and humiliated me for sure.
InstructHer · 61-69, M
@CharityRae a spanking will do that in any case.
CharityRae · 36-40, F
@InstructHer any time I was spanked by someone other than my mom or immediate family, i definitely felt those feelings… but not really when it came to being spanked by my mother or maternal grandparents… I guess it was always embarrassing but not really humiliating or confusing because I knew they were doing it out of love and correction and I trusted them.
InstructHer · 61-69, M
@CharityRae yes, that is why I think your father should have spanked you. But if your mother permitted others to chastise you then I suppose your father assumed it would be appropriate.
CharityRae · 36-40, F
@InstructHer I guess… I love my mother, we’ve got a great relationship now and she is one of my best friends — but she definitely shouldn’t have allowed others to physically discipline me either and I’ll always feel that way about that…
if my son is spanked only me and his father will do it.
InstructHer · 61-69, M
@CharityRae I suppose it depends who she allowed to spank you. Here I took the lead on discipline and only family did it occasionally.
CharityRae · 36-40, F
@InstructHer my friend’s parents, neighbors, her friends… at least they were people we were semi close to, but still…
InstructHer · 61-69, M
@CharityRae friend's parents I can understand especially if your friend was spanked also. Otherwise that is quite a loose connection. Did your mother need the help?
CharityRae · 36-40, F
@InstructHer she was a single mom but I don’t think she really needed the help… but when I was over other peoples houses, they were just allowed to spank if they wanted to.
InstructHer · 61-69, M
@CharityRae I suppose they spanked their own daughters so it was natural.