Some personal reflections and then to rest.

I have always been too mature for jealousies. I never hold resentment over what I don't have, nor measure my worth by comparing myself to others. That is to say, any playful competition with the same gender has never compromised my ability to share their joys, celebrate their beauty, their achievements, and their blessings..

And there is so much to celebrate. After all, women are extraordinary. They are loving, so compassionate, so beautiful..

Perhaps I lacked that ability to envy because I have watched my mother, forever trapped in the illusion that we are rivals. It is/was torture. It forced me to confront a truth and embrace a role she could not. I had to be her mother instead.

So, the sickness in my relationships that I have had to confront is different. Being a salvation and the ego that grows with that.. I have met some here who can relate to that.

For too long, I sought to save those who fell into patterns of abuse, sacrificing my own well being for their broken spirits, putting them first too many times. And how many times did they spit upon my hand after I lifted them? Too many times too..

Well..when you give too much, some become tyrants over your kindness. Some think of you as a servant, not a friend or an equal. And this applies to both genders btw. The sense of entitlement and ingratitude is expressed differently but it is there..

Yet I must admit to myself that I have given more to women than I have to men, in the past. I formed deeper and more emotional bonds with women. Bonds that costed me my own sanity in a few instances.

I, like a fool, believed that by saving the ungrateful, I could somehow redeem the loss of my sister Sirin. Yes, everything in my mind is connected. I was stubborn back then, and I clung to that desperately refusing to give up.

That was my sickness.

I have accepted the bitter truth: those who fall will, in some cases, choose to fall again. They choose it willingly. They are not victims; they are creators of their own destruction. And by engaging it, I am also a creator of my own destruction.. Watching people ruin their lives once more is always like reliving the trauma of a mother who never changed... my mother.

I learned that some people must be told of their wrongness and then released to either swim or, sadly, drown in the waters they refuse to escape. It is the respectful thing to do regardless of my own attachements to results and goals and expectations..do your part and let go. Or you become a manifestation of everything you dislike about the entrapment.