Confusing feelings I don’t really know what to do with.
I don’t really think I’m as bisexual as I wanted to make myself believe.
Ever since I was little (I remember being 5 and having a crush on a girl in school) I knew I was attracted to females. The thing is I was constantly told it was wrong or gross growing up. Like I remember playing Sims 2 when I was 9 and my older cousin (16) caught me making two female sims kiss and called me nasty 💀 tbh all the signs were there, like I would spend hours designer sexy WWE divas on the PS2 or Sims characters. I only ever played with female dolls, which may seem basic, but they dated each other I had no need for a “Ken”. I just felt like I was forced to suppress those feelings at such prime developmental years that I lost contact with my actual feelings. Which probably explains why when I try to be attracted to men I tend to seek out the most feminine looking/acting man possible. I think now that I’m 27 I’m more self aware and I’ve been getting help from a therapist and psychiatrist with my mental health and history with abuse.
My problem is, I have such a great Fiance. He’s literally perfect. Which makes me feel even stronger in my gayness because if I can’t be 100% satisfied with the prime example of a man, then do I really even like them at all? I do love him. I love spending my life with him. It feels like a romantic love but I lack the sexual desire. Like I never get that “thunderbolt” feeling for a man. I just felt like when I met him, I was too young to really know what I wanted. I grew a lot in these past 3.5 years. I can’t really imagine my life without him, he makes me very happy and I’m satisfied. That’s why I don’t know what my issue is 😭 I just feel like something is missing and maybe it’s because he has a pesky Y chromosome. I am able to see myself spending my life with him regardless but sometimes I feel sad that I didn’t end up with a woman.
Ever since I was little (I remember being 5 and having a crush on a girl in school) I knew I was attracted to females. The thing is I was constantly told it was wrong or gross growing up. Like I remember playing Sims 2 when I was 9 and my older cousin (16) caught me making two female sims kiss and called me nasty 💀 tbh all the signs were there, like I would spend hours designer sexy WWE divas on the PS2 or Sims characters. I only ever played with female dolls, which may seem basic, but they dated each other I had no need for a “Ken”. I just felt like I was forced to suppress those feelings at such prime developmental years that I lost contact with my actual feelings. Which probably explains why when I try to be attracted to men I tend to seek out the most feminine looking/acting man possible. I think now that I’m 27 I’m more self aware and I’ve been getting help from a therapist and psychiatrist with my mental health and history with abuse.
My problem is, I have such a great Fiance. He’s literally perfect. Which makes me feel even stronger in my gayness because if I can’t be 100% satisfied with the prime example of a man, then do I really even like them at all? I do love him. I love spending my life with him. It feels like a romantic love but I lack the sexual desire. Like I never get that “thunderbolt” feeling for a man. I just felt like when I met him, I was too young to really know what I wanted. I grew a lot in these past 3.5 years. I can’t really imagine my life without him, he makes me very happy and I’m satisfied. That’s why I don’t know what my issue is 😭 I just feel like something is missing and maybe it’s because he has a pesky Y chromosome. I am able to see myself spending my life with him regardless but sometimes I feel sad that I didn’t end up with a woman.
