Moved to Large City. Life Is So Superficial & Empty Here

For context, I've travelled a lot thru EU, so I got something to compare the city to.

Before moving, I was excited about meeting new people. going to events every other day, visiting new places, etc. I thought it'd be awesome. And this is a large city, so you'll never miss things to do.

And I did go to lots of events. Book clubs, board game nights, self-improvement groups, impro theaters, you name it. However, I noticed I feel more empty after the events than before them. As if the events haven't benefited me, but rather took something away from me, leaving me with an even bigger hole in my heart.

Then it hit me. In a large city, where millions of people live, you are presented w/ a plethora of options to choose from. Countless events, places, and people. And guess what? When you always have another event or social group as a backup plan, you've fewer reasons to really commit to it. Same w/ other people. And everybody knows that. So what ends up happening is that people spend less time building actual, meaningful connections. They're never to see me again, so why would they invest time and energy into connecting? Especially when they (in their head) have hundreds of better people to meet than me and hundreds of better events to go to.

The result is: People become commodities. If I don't fulfil your needs perfectly, you are seeking after someone else who will. Rather than valuing each person for what they are, seeing the flaws but acknowledging that we are flawed and that working thru those flaws is what makes human relationships beautiful.

I realized fairly recently that it's other people that makes this life meaningful. Now I understand that connection must be there too. No matter how many people you meet, it means nothing if there's no genuine connection. It's just empty and meaningless; social interaction for the sake of social interaction.

I'll be moving back to my home country soon, and I'm so happy because of it. I couldn't live here for long. It's so depressing. How did we allow ourselves to be like this?

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ArishMell · 70-79, M

Many clubs or events, but how many times did you attend each?

If you only went once or twice to each you have not given anyone any chance to become friends with you.

Were you joining things ad-hoc rather than from genuine interest in their activities?

Even if you do find something that suits you, and become a regular member with a circle of friends within it, it does not necessarily bring connections beyond the gatherings themselves.

I am in several clubs of different interests and sizes, and by chance a group of us in one did discuss this not long ago.

We realised there are many members we don't know, because people attend on different days, or only intermittently, or we follow its interest in our ways.

Most members are friendly enough but tend to form small circles of closer friends. Further, even within our own circles we don't really know each other outside, during the week. We know if each other is married, has a family, falls ill. We know a bit about their work, or if they are retired; perhaps each other's other hobbies. That's all though. We don't normally see each other outside of the club and its activities.

I will say these societies are not in the middle of a city, and many of their members live a long way apart geographically, but I don't think that makes any difference.

So why do people join a club?

For the interest it covers first and foremost. They do not expect to form close friendships beyond its activities. It can happen, and very occasionally even leads to a marriage, but it is rare and not the point of joining.

Also, what you gain from membership both in its interest and socially depends very much on you: on the time and effort you commit to it. Bouncing from club to club, or event to event, in a vague attempt to form close bonds will not work because society does not work like that.

That's clubs and societies. One-off events are even more individual, unless you are one of the organisers.

........

You may also need consider national traits. I do not know but guess from some of your comments and your spellings ("thru", "theaters") that you are American, but have evidently spent a long time in many cities in what you call the "EU".

The "EU" is not a nation, nor a culture. Nor is "Europe". The EU is a political bloc of many highly-individual European nations each with its own, distinct culture and social norms, and you might find some cultures are much quieter and more reserved than others. This is so not only towards visitors from abroad but also within a country's own population.

For example, although we can't rely on stereotypes, many English say of their own country that Northern English people are more outgoing but also blunt in their speaking, yet those in the South all of two or three hundred miles away are generally more reserved. Either trait can deter people who are not aware of it and do not realise it is not necessarily a sign of unfriendliness.

......

Regarding your experiences as being in cities, are you sure that is not co-incidental? Yes, a major city offers a huge choice of interests, entertainments, etc. of which some are unavailable in many small, provincial towns; but any given person has only a limited range of own tastes and interests anyway.

Some say living in a city can be lonely but they would probably be lonelier still in if they live somewhere much smaller offering locally nothing that attracts them. There have even been city dwellers in Britain who think they would be happier living in bucolic idylls they imagine small rural villages to be, but find it a mistake and move back to the city.

It is not what cities have or do not have that is the problem.

What counts is what you, or I, or anyone else puts into our lives, and into our social groups and events, and for what purpose.