I find it weird that we all keep saying "hi" "hello" "salam" and all words meant for greetings

In this time and place we say: Hello, how are you? Any number of permutations. A salutation attached to an inquiry.

But the social contract is-- under no circumstances every day how you're really doing. That's TMI. That's not respecting boundaries. If you slip up you apologize for the transgression. It's like farting. Too much of one's insides coming out. It's gross.

I think we just train each other that our interiority has no value by engaging in this ritual. We pretend to care, but tacitly demand no answer. And so people lie to their psychiatrists. No. They aren't depressed. They lie to their doctors. Top shape, great in the sack too. And we lie to ourselves. No. It's fine. My husband is pounding random women he meets online in motels. It's fine. My daughter cuts herself. She's fine. She says she stopped. It's all fine.

This goes sooo deep because people speak the same way here. They ignore and delete their interiority. I mean anyone can really PM anything. It's anonymous. Any candid horrid wonderful disturbing amazing shit. But it's still: Hi. How are you? I'm fine too thanks. But you look at their profiles and posts and it's clear they are a little tornado in the ass of an orca in a volcano with herpes scabs sprinkled on top.

I used to be very candid on here. I stopped largely because it expected it to be tête à tête. I peel off a layer, a catalyst for somebody else doing the same. That happened with my darling and I have a love of my life. But no others. I wonder if that's part of why we go into refrigeration. We fear real connection might come of being raw, bare, honest...

Hi. How are you?

I spent the night staring into the abyss. Walking the cold shore of yearning. Then I sat in my underwear writing vignettes on my lap top in the flickering light of the television.