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RebelFox @
helenS I was that way for a long time after Toni. I loved her so much and our intimate moments were just straight fire, so I’d think of her the moment anything got even a little bit heavy with anyone. I didn’t even think to consider any relationship after her for just over a year and after I did, it was my bandmate Jacob. You’d think that him being a guy vs Toni a girl would have made it better (and it did as far as not calling out the wrong name,) but because I’m not really into guys much at all sexually… it made it so much worse. Jacob was a great person, very attentive, and literally adored me (I tried pushing him away but he wore me down with his kindness and care.) And I am kind of Demi-romantic… so I can actually fall romantically for a guy but I’m pretty much full on homosexual… so unless they just want to be plutonic lovers… it’s headed for disaster. Plus, I’m very much a high libido sexual person and it’s not something they can ever fulfill because I just can’t get in the right mindset for it. I know guys don’t get this but as you both know sex with us always starts in the mind or basically not at all. So, due to that… when I let him be with me (which wasn’t that often honestly,) I’d often try to close my eyes if he was going down on me and try to imagine it was still her. Due to the huge differences between a woman and a man going down on you, this rarely if ever worked… and usually I’d just have to get myself off later after he was done and had fallen asleep. I just had kind of resigned myself to just being unsatisfied sexually… and he was very attentive both sexually and emotionally, I’m just not wired for guys like that, so he was kind of wasting his time, but he sure did try. He even suggested we bring a girl in once, which if you knew Jacob was totally for me and not him. He adored everything about me and didn’t want to share me with anyone, including another woman. I declined as I knew that while that would help me sexually in the moment… it would end up being the end of us, because that’s what I really wanted… was a women, just a woman. I could tell when I declined that he was relieved… I think part of him knew it too… he was just desperate to make me feel fulfilled. You can only fake it so much before an mindful and attentive lover… figures it out. I cared for him deeply, but it’s probably a blessing that my life blew up and we ended. I could have never been what he wanted and deserved… now matter how much he adored me as a person, and he could never be what I needed either. At some point, we might have even started to resent each other. I had really tried to be that for him because he was so sweet, but we can’t really be what we’re not or feel what we don’t. He told me one time that he wished he could just live within my thoughts. He loved my creativity and passion for life. He was always saying sweet things like that to me. I wish him well.
