I Hate Shopping
RIGHT! I am an easy-going chap. Reasonable sense of humour and seldom gets ruffled. However, I have spleen to vent! Do not read this if you easily offended.
I like to think that I try to keep abreast of technology so when I saw the new 'Scan and Shop' jobby at Tesco's, I thought to myself,'Yep, I'll have a bit of that. Save the long queue at the checkouts. Thumbs up.' What a mistake to make!
First I had to register the Clubcard. No problem here; the scanner easily read my gnarly, screwed up 'Clubcard on a keyring' without setting off any alarms. The nice lady supervising the operation smiled sweetly at me and off I went with my little hand-held scanning widget.
Ginger root, chillies, onions. potatoes, piece of p***. Then the bloody thing started playing up. The carrots wouldn't scan ... or the parsnips ... or the broccoli... OR THE FRIGGIN' CAULIFLOWER!!! I read the leaflet. 'If your items do not scan, place them in a separate part of the trolley and an assistant will help you.' Blinding. Soon, however, I had racked up twice as many non-scanned items. I went back to the nice lady.
'This thing doesn't work.'
'Are you holding it at the right angle?'
'I think so.'
'Let me have a go.'
Carrots. Beep. Parsnips. Beep. Broccolli. Beep.
'It seems OK to me. Why don't you have another go with the cauli.' Silence. Didn't work. She tried it. F***ing BEEP!
'Maybe you're holding it too close or not close enough. Maybe the scanner isn't lined up properly. Maybe you're holding the button for too long.'
'Maybe I'm going to trash the thing and boot it into the middle of next week,' I thought.
So, after a lesson in how to scan stuff (remember I had no problem with my skanky Clubcard) and after declining the nice lady's offer to have her accompany me round the store like I was some kind of educational retard, I set off again. I managed to scan a few things after this but it took me ages to scan each one. People whooshed past me. People also avoided me as I had began talking to myself, muttering obscenities to the hapless scanner. I tried all different angles and distances; I considered sticking the thing up my arse to see if that would work any better. No. After 3 aisles (yes, just 3) I gave up and paid for the measly 2 bags' worth of stuff I had collected. The whole pantomime had wasted 45 minutes of my life!
The nice lady was most apologetic and was disappointed that I chose to end my shopping experience.
I went to Lidl instead.
Merry Christmas.
I like to think that I try to keep abreast of technology so when I saw the new 'Scan and Shop' jobby at Tesco's, I thought to myself,'Yep, I'll have a bit of that. Save the long queue at the checkouts. Thumbs up.' What a mistake to make!
First I had to register the Clubcard. No problem here; the scanner easily read my gnarly, screwed up 'Clubcard on a keyring' without setting off any alarms. The nice lady supervising the operation smiled sweetly at me and off I went with my little hand-held scanning widget.
Ginger root, chillies, onions. potatoes, piece of p***. Then the bloody thing started playing up. The carrots wouldn't scan ... or the parsnips ... or the broccoli... OR THE FRIGGIN' CAULIFLOWER!!! I read the leaflet. 'If your items do not scan, place them in a separate part of the trolley and an assistant will help you.' Blinding. Soon, however, I had racked up twice as many non-scanned items. I went back to the nice lady.
'This thing doesn't work.'
'Are you holding it at the right angle?'
'I think so.'
'Let me have a go.'
Carrots. Beep. Parsnips. Beep. Broccolli. Beep.
'It seems OK to me. Why don't you have another go with the cauli.' Silence. Didn't work. She tried it. F***ing BEEP!
'Maybe you're holding it too close or not close enough. Maybe the scanner isn't lined up properly. Maybe you're holding the button for too long.'
'Maybe I'm going to trash the thing and boot it into the middle of next week,' I thought.
So, after a lesson in how to scan stuff (remember I had no problem with my skanky Clubcard) and after declining the nice lady's offer to have her accompany me round the store like I was some kind of educational retard, I set off again. I managed to scan a few things after this but it took me ages to scan each one. People whooshed past me. People also avoided me as I had began talking to myself, muttering obscenities to the hapless scanner. I tried all different angles and distances; I considered sticking the thing up my arse to see if that would work any better. No. After 3 aisles (yes, just 3) I gave up and paid for the measly 2 bags' worth of stuff I had collected. The whole pantomime had wasted 45 minutes of my life!
The nice lady was most apologetic and was disappointed that I chose to end my shopping experience.
I went to Lidl instead.
Merry Christmas.
