No one really knows all of me

Not even my Husband, of four and a half decades. My husband knows all but one part of me. ❤

That part I have kept safe and hidden from the world since the day it was almost killed when I was a kid. That part of me holds the key to my surrender of all that I am, to the one I trust without question, without fear, without reservation. It holds my kroptonit, and no one knows that part of me. I doubt anyone ever will.🤔

People see different sides of me, and for a minute, they think they know me, but then I show another side of me. This sometimes shocks people, and they walk away from me. This brings me deep sadness, but there is nothing I can do about it.😔

I am a multifaceted person, and the different aspects of my personality are so varied that no idea of who I am could ever fit me.I don't fit into any box, any category, or any type of person. The only constants are that I am kind, warm, and loving. 🤗

I was told by a counselor when I was a kid that I am easily adaptable. This was, maybe, a positive thing I developed as a kid, because my life changed drastically month after month.😔

The only sure thing about me is that what you see is what you get, but what you see may change often, depending on my emotions, triggers, energy level, what is happening to me online or offline, etc.😵‍💫

This isn't something that is easy for me, because I have found that it is hard for many people to get to know me or get close to me. Most can accept certain parts of me, but not all of them. I think this is why I don't let many people get close to me. This is also why I greatly fear rejection. I have been told by people in the past that they thought I had multiple personalities, but I have been tested, and I don't. My mother does have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), and it looks a little different.😐

No, I just had to develop many different faces to get through my childhood. To fit in with people so vastly different from each other, I became a multifaceted person. I mean, when I was with my mom, she was wild and crazy and part of the party scene. So many different people, so many different places, so many different environments. 🫨

Then, when my mom got tired of being a mom, she would drop us off with the closest person and leave. Most of the time, it was my great-grandparents, but many times it was strangers. When I was with my great-grandparents, things were very calm, but very old-fashioned, so I learned this too. This part of my personality became the dominant part, but there are so many other parts to me that even if I wanted to explain, I couldn't. 😔

I am writing this because I want to let the new friends I am starting to make know that it would be unwise to think I am any one type of person. I want to let you all know this ahead of time, so if you don't want to be involved with me because of this mess that is my reality, you can walk away before any attachments form. I wish I could promise stability and predictability of my personality, but I just can't. I can promise to always be kind, caring, warm, and compassionate, even when I may seem crazy to others.🙂

[media=https://youtu.be/qs48neC0mNA]

[media=https://youtu.be/M7n4FMUOPGQ]

[media=https://youtu.be/8K9T-HL7mlQ]

[media=https://youtu.be/FHmBgDAAPN8]

[media=https://youtu.be/zWU_wAy_HHI]

This page is a permanent link to the reply below and its nested replies. See all post replies »

Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

OMG!!!
I like the way you write and say things pretty straight.
But I think I may feel a connection to you and your posts maybe because you sound like you may be bipolar too.
I don't mean that as an insult but I am relating to a lot of your posts. LOL

WildMountainRose · 56-60, F

@Dainbramadge You may feel a connection to me because I have been here off and on over the last several years, and I have always been drawn to you. We have had many nice interactions here. You have helped me understand much about myself, and even when I am not on here, I think about you and the wisdom you have shared with me over the years. 🙂

I am not sure if you will remember me, but I am usually named something along the lines of JustReading or JustJournaling when I am here. I used to be more able to interact on social media, with ease, than I am now, so it could be hard to place who I am.🙂 Don't worry if you don't remember me. I don't think I leave much of a lasting impression on most people. 🙂

Bipolar is among my many labels. I have the less fun kind, Bipolar II. My mother, brother, and daughter all have Bipolar I, though. The reason I say less fun, is that I have more depression, and the mania never gets above hypomania. I am just joking, though, because neither Bipolar is fun. In all honesty, though, as long as you don't tell anyone, I do like the hypomania I get from time to time. 😉

Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

@WildMountainRose LOL. I am sorry I don't remember those names you posted. But I will confess I suck with names but I would remember your avatar. LOL.
That's why I normally keep mine the same because I lose people as soon as they change that picture. LOL.

Funny that you say you like the hypomainia. LOL. I love it and it is funny when people ask if I have been doing coke or meth and I can laugh and say nope God gave me this. LOL

Something that I have found in about the last three years is I actually really like myself. I'm 58 now and all those years before I decided that, I was really busy trying to be someone else. Let's be honest I am, for the most part, a very weird duck. LOL. But the friends that I do have all like me like that and that's all that really counts besides liking yourself.
The bipolar makes life, when your not flat out depressed and laying in bed, always very interesting.
We don't think outside the box we don't have a clue where that damn box even is. LOL

So the last three months have been so super fantastic. I found some vitimines that are managing the Bipolar and ADHD traits of it insanely well. When I was on the meds the doctor gave me I would have days at a time that I would sleep. The longest was 10 days straight. I would get up and eat. Go to the bathroom and back to sleep.
Since I have been taking the vitimines I have still had broken sleep but no down days. NONE.
The vitimines are L-Tyrosine an amino acid and Folic Acid. It takes a bit of caffeine to kick start it, I would stay under 250 mg, but it lasts way longer than the Adderall ever dreamed of lasting and I actually stopped my bipolar meds, but for unrelated reasons.

It has been a huge game changer to say the least. I share this so as maybe it could have the same effect with you maybe.

So I have to say I am crazy flattered with your first paragraph. I came here because I have so much life experience in really extreme ways, that it's a shame not to have anyone, except my kids and friends, to share that with. I mean every lesson I have ever learned I learned the hard way and only after trying it several times the wrong way first. LOL
So it is extremely cool to meet someone who has found a connection with me and can hopefully learn from my many mistakes and better their own position.

Also it is really cool to meet someone, that apparently we have been re-meeting often over the years, that has so much in common with some one as odd as me. LOL
I have only meet a few people I click with here but I don't think I ever met someone that was actually from the same planet as me. :-)

WildMountainRose · 56-60, F

@Dainbramadge Wow, that is REALLY strange. I figured out over the last 3 years that I like myself too. I still have regrets, about mistakes I've made in the past, and they eat at me if I let them. If I dwell too long remembering those mistakes, I do spiral into self-loathing. When my Chronic PTSD is triggered, I feel the same as I did as a kid, and then I don't like myself. However, outside of those times, I do like the person I have become. It is strange that this was a new development in both of us at the same time. 🤔

I take a lot of supplements because I have 2 MTHFR mutations that make it very difficult for me to get B vitamins from my food (Mostly B12 and Folic acid), so I have to take methyl versions of B12 and Folic acid.

These are the ones I take 3 times a week (It is supposed to be every day, but who can afford that?)

Potassium bicarbonate, magnesium glycinate, methyl folate, zinc with copper, methylated B complex, kelp, biotin, pantothenic acid, methylcobalamin, vitamin C, vitamin E, B-1, L-tyrosine,l-theanine,D3 plus K2, plain Niacin, Iron Bisglycinate Chelate, Ginkgo biloba, Fish Oil, Choline, and SAMe.

After I read your comment, I went and looked to see if I had any L-Tyrosine, and I found I had forgotten to add to my post about supplements ( where the above list came from, lol), Norival.( It has N-Acetyl L-Tyrosine and B6 in it), So I think I may already be covered on the supplement. I take my supplements with a cup of coffee, so this may be why I don't feel too bad off meds too. I do appreciate you sharing this with me.🙂

I wasn't trying to flatter you, really. You know, they say if it is true, it isn't flattery. I was just trying to tell you something ( I always wish I had said when I think of you when I am not here), and that is thank you for the kindness you have shown me in the past,as well as now, and I wanted to thank you for caring enough about me to give me advice.🤗

I don't think you are odd at all, but then we all know I am odd. Maybe I just don't see it, or maybe everyone else is odd and we are normal...LMAO.

Let's test this hypothesis. Tell me how does this clip make you feel?

[media=https://youtu.be/M8KdtJOCzOU]

Dainbramadge · 56-60, M

@WildMountainRose OMG that clip is soooooo funny. LOL
"I'm gonna go out a limb..". LOL
That is cool you are already taking the things I mentioned that I just found. LOL
I have to take huge amounts of them but wow what a change I am feeling.

WildMountainRose · 56-60, F

@DainbramadgeHa ha ha... I knew you would get a chuckle from it. 😅 Anything is better than psych meds in my opinion. The side effects suck, usually. Sometimes I find one that kicks me into hypomania ( and that is awesome!), but it soon wears off leaving me feeling emotionally flat. That is ok, when I am depressed, but not as a way of life. :-)