Reflections of the past.

Tonight I'm sitting in my brand new car in front of my grandparents very old house. I spent the past 7 months or so selflessly helping them get ready to move to their new house. A couple weeks before they were to move into the new house that me and my cousin bought for them, my grandmother passed away. I should've known things were going too good in all aspects of my life. I had a somewhat healthy relationship going, my business was booming without me being there to micromanage them, my family was happy and always together and yet I knew somehow that nothing was going to stay the same. And of course it didn't.
I've now successfully pushed everyone I've known away from me and even though I feel like I shouldn't be happy with alienating myself, I don't hate it. There's less to let me down. Less to care about. Less to feel.
Three days ago I stopped one of my best friends from killing herself and then the very next day I pondered my own mortality and thought about ending it. I quickly erase those thoughts out of my mind because after all the struggles and physical wars I've been through (inner ones as well), I know that it's a proper warriors death I deserve. I deserve to see my Valhalla.
So here I sit in my old driveway drinking while I have a new house I could be sitting at. Maybe tonight's just a night for reflection. Maybe tonight's just a night to feel something again before tomorrow where I go back to shutting the world out and pretending I care about stuff that I feel nothing for anymore.