I Sometimes Say Im Okay, Even When I'm Not

I'm consistently fine or nothing wrong or fantastic...all ways I say I'm sad or depressed but can't actually say it with out getting a refferal to mental health and being sent to the rear before my guys. Frankly I'm lost in what I believe and sometimes I want to just die and find out to see if I was right and if not oh well I'm dead..and don't exist to deal with anything