I Keep Too Many Things to Myself

It's a huge change which I never signed up to go through. Every single day, I go out into this big scary world, living my life without him. I would go straight home after work and shut myself away from people. Back home, I would replay the past, figure out what went wrong and what I should have done. How awful I look at myself sometimes. I have a full life and I am generally much happier than I was a decade ago. But once I come home and I close the bedroom door, the world is gone and it is only me, again the lonely me. I just lay there, all I can think of is the life that I once had. Feeling sad, guilty, bitter and self pity, all common. You mourn whatever life has become and you mourn the life that is yet to be. Today is his 10th death anniversary. Yeah, there is mourning beyond his death.

Nothing can make up for the absence
Of someone we love so much
It would be wrong to find a substitute
We simply hold out and see it through

God doesn't fill the gap but keeps it unfulfilled
It's a great consolation, though it remains empty
Preserves the bond between us
Even at the cost of pain.