I don't regret my past because it gave me the tools to be the father I am
I've done a lot. Seen a lot. Started a lot of things at waaay earlier ages than I should've. I've done the drugs. I've lost the friends, whether it was to prison or worse. I've fought for myself, for others... I've been shot at numerous times & had to shoot back in defense. Which I don't say to brag, I say it because they're things that taught me that I won't cower, run away, or back down when things come to the worst. I have the guts to stand & fight.
Throughout everything, I always laugh at the end of the day. Because I'm alive & I'm still here. I've learned something new. So life's not that bad. I could be dead. I could be in prison. There's even people here on SW who wished prison on me & didn't want me to be allowed to raise my daughter... (mind you, only people who never have known me) because I had a drinking problem & I had to do some time after multiple DUI's. Which I understand the anger. I'm fortunate enough to have never hurt anyone but people seemed to act like I thought that meant my problem wasn't so serious. Or like I thought that justified anything. I never thought that way. I was just thankful. Because I know I'd never forgive myself if I hurt an innocent person over my idiocy. I was thankful I learned the hard way without harming anyone's life but my own.
I wasn't good as a partner either. I didn't wanna let go of things. I would get emotional & even though I was aware of my emotions, I didn't know how to express them in proper ways. That's definitely changed.. I've matured so much in the past few years & most of it is thanks to my daughter & quitting alcohol. I had to let go of the hardest person I ever had to let go of... Because she was the mother of my child. I still love her. She still loves me. She still wants things to work.. I used to too... But I've grown to learn I can't force anything. I also can't keep allowing myself to be hurt because it's not fair to me. My feelings matter too.
I might've gang banged & did a lot of the shit that comes with it but I never thought of myself as a gangster. I've earned enough respect to where I don't have to prove anything to anyone... Not that I ever felt the need to prove anything in the first place. But the fact is that before the age of 30 I already lived it & got away from it. If I were to ever need it, I'm protected. I can make a phone call & have shit handled without me even getting my hands dirty. & Nobody can tell me shit about not earning that. I mean I don't feel a need to do all that anyway but it's nice to know I always got homies who would go that far for me or my family.
There's a lot I could regret. Some people might even still think I'm a horrible person. But it doesn't matter to me because I know myself. Plus I'll never be that person I used to be. My daughter gets to be raised by someone who's experienced some of the worst situations in life & learned from it all. She's raised by a dad who treasures her more than anything in his life because she saved my life & gave me that motivation to be someone, not just for her but for myself. Someone who wants to teach her everything he's learned because I don't want her learning the ways I did. She's a lucky child because her daddy is by some definitions, a G who made it out. She'll grow up knowing that her dad is gonna take care of her & will never be afraid to fight for her. Because I'll fight for her harder than I've ever fought for myself. & I always fought hard.
Throughout everything, I always laugh at the end of the day. Because I'm alive & I'm still here. I've learned something new. So life's not that bad. I could be dead. I could be in prison. There's even people here on SW who wished prison on me & didn't want me to be allowed to raise my daughter... (mind you, only people who never have known me) because I had a drinking problem & I had to do some time after multiple DUI's. Which I understand the anger. I'm fortunate enough to have never hurt anyone but people seemed to act like I thought that meant my problem wasn't so serious. Or like I thought that justified anything. I never thought that way. I was just thankful. Because I know I'd never forgive myself if I hurt an innocent person over my idiocy. I was thankful I learned the hard way without harming anyone's life but my own.
I wasn't good as a partner either. I didn't wanna let go of things. I would get emotional & even though I was aware of my emotions, I didn't know how to express them in proper ways. That's definitely changed.. I've matured so much in the past few years & most of it is thanks to my daughter & quitting alcohol. I had to let go of the hardest person I ever had to let go of... Because she was the mother of my child. I still love her. She still loves me. She still wants things to work.. I used to too... But I've grown to learn I can't force anything. I also can't keep allowing myself to be hurt because it's not fair to me. My feelings matter too.
I might've gang banged & did a lot of the shit that comes with it but I never thought of myself as a gangster. I've earned enough respect to where I don't have to prove anything to anyone... Not that I ever felt the need to prove anything in the first place. But the fact is that before the age of 30 I already lived it & got away from it. If I were to ever need it, I'm protected. I can make a phone call & have shit handled without me even getting my hands dirty. & Nobody can tell me shit about not earning that. I mean I don't feel a need to do all that anyway but it's nice to know I always got homies who would go that far for me or my family.
There's a lot I could regret. Some people might even still think I'm a horrible person. But it doesn't matter to me because I know myself. Plus I'll never be that person I used to be. My daughter gets to be raised by someone who's experienced some of the worst situations in life & learned from it all. She's raised by a dad who treasures her more than anything in his life because she saved my life & gave me that motivation to be someone, not just for her but for myself. Someone who wants to teach her everything he's learned because I don't want her learning the ways I did. She's a lucky child because her daddy is by some definitions, a G who made it out. She'll grow up knowing that her dad is gonna take care of her & will never be afraid to fight for her. Because I'll fight for her harder than I've ever fought for myself. & I always fought hard.
