I used to be toxic in relationships & I didn't realize it
I let my feelings get the best of me too much. I would be too sensitive & place blame then lash out. Even though I've always been a self aware person I didn't realize that I was still emotionally immature. I wasn't honest enough about my own emotions, with myself or with anybody else.
I think my emotional maturity has improved a lot ever since I quit drinking almost 2 years ago. I've surprisingly never thought about it before but I wonder if my drinking from such a young age was a big factor in hindering the growth of my emotional intelligence. I mean it seems obvious that it probably would.
I know in the beginning of my relationship with Naya's mom, I wasn't the best partner. I took care of things the way I was supposed to but emotionally I wasn't there enough. I let my own emotions get in the way too much. I held on to things that didn't matter or got mad over things that weren't even worth the outcome it led to. I know I was always a good dad. Anybody who knows me would vouch for that, Naya's mom included. But I wasn't a good enough partner.
It hit me the heaviest when I was sitting in jail, facing a new DUI immediately after Naya's mom left me (the first time). My immediate response to deal with the pain of her leaving, was to drink even though I KNEW that's not what she wanted me to do. It was a big reason why she left. But I told myself it didn't matter because she wasn't there anymore anyway.
So what I thought was already the hardest day ever... coming home from work to a half empty home & a note on the door that it was all over, turned into a waaay worse day. Because now I had end the night in a cell with no idea when I would even get out. It could've been years & I knew that. I knew it was all my fault. That was the night I decided drinking wasn't worth it for me anymore. That night, I realized how much of my life that alcohol was taking away from me. It almost took me away from raising my child & that's where I had to finally draw the line.
Since then I started becoming a lot more aware of my emotions & learning how to be honest about them with people & with my partner. I started learning how to recognize what I'm feeling, identitying why I feel that way, & being honest with myself if my reasons for my feelings are foolish or immature. I'm not perfect but at least I know that & I can handle being told I'm wrong. I'm open minded enough to pause & work through anything I said or did that was wrong. & Most importantly, I know my feelings are not the most important. Just because they're all I feel, doesn't mean that's all there is. In many instances we have to put our own feelings aside in order to be there for someone else's.
I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes. But I've reached a point where I don't think I have it in me to be anywhere near as toxic as I used to be. I don't have any desire to fight back. I just want peace. Not just for me, but for you too. I can't be mad at anyone for the way they feel. All I can do is take care of my own emotions & at least try to be considerate of others
I think my emotional maturity has improved a lot ever since I quit drinking almost 2 years ago. I've surprisingly never thought about it before but I wonder if my drinking from such a young age was a big factor in hindering the growth of my emotional intelligence. I mean it seems obvious that it probably would.
I know in the beginning of my relationship with Naya's mom, I wasn't the best partner. I took care of things the way I was supposed to but emotionally I wasn't there enough. I let my own emotions get in the way too much. I held on to things that didn't matter or got mad over things that weren't even worth the outcome it led to. I know I was always a good dad. Anybody who knows me would vouch for that, Naya's mom included. But I wasn't a good enough partner.
It hit me the heaviest when I was sitting in jail, facing a new DUI immediately after Naya's mom left me (the first time). My immediate response to deal with the pain of her leaving, was to drink even though I KNEW that's not what she wanted me to do. It was a big reason why she left. But I told myself it didn't matter because she wasn't there anymore anyway.
So what I thought was already the hardest day ever... coming home from work to a half empty home & a note on the door that it was all over, turned into a waaay worse day. Because now I had end the night in a cell with no idea when I would even get out. It could've been years & I knew that. I knew it was all my fault. That was the night I decided drinking wasn't worth it for me anymore. That night, I realized how much of my life that alcohol was taking away from me. It almost took me away from raising my child & that's where I had to finally draw the line.
Since then I started becoming a lot more aware of my emotions & learning how to be honest about them with people & with my partner. I started learning how to recognize what I'm feeling, identitying why I feel that way, & being honest with myself if my reasons for my feelings are foolish or immature. I'm not perfect but at least I know that & I can handle being told I'm wrong. I'm open minded enough to pause & work through anything I said or did that was wrong. & Most importantly, I know my feelings are not the most important. Just because they're all I feel, doesn't mean that's all there is. In many instances we have to put our own feelings aside in order to be there for someone else's.
I'm not perfect. I still make mistakes. But I've reached a point where I don't think I have it in me to be anywhere near as toxic as I used to be. I don't have any desire to fight back. I just want peace. Not just for me, but for you too. I can't be mad at anyone for the way they feel. All I can do is take care of my own emotions & at least try to be considerate of others
