A few months ago I was sleeping with my first love who I reconnected with
I was embarrassed to talk about it due to my complicated situation with Naya's mom. It felt like I was doing something wrong even though we aren't together & haven't been for half a year. But I'm also kinda grateful that it even happened. I know it seems unconventional but it honestly helped me in a lot of ways & gave me back so much of the confidence I've lost especially recently.
When my relationship ended & Naya's mom immediately slept with someone else.. it really crushed me. Especially because she knew how I felt & she even started trying with me again immediately after she did it. I felt so stupid & humiliated. She said he was her first love from her teenage years so I felt so threatened but also a little understanding. Like at least it wasn't a stranger or someone you didn't even care about. But it didn't hurt any less. If anything, maybe more.
My first love is who I lost my virginity to. We lost touch because I was throwing my life away & she was too. She used to be my best friend. Every guy needs a girl best friend he can vent to to keep his head straight. She was that friend for me until she moved outta state & we lost touch. She moved back here a few years ago (while I was a soon-to-be dad) & we got in touch again but nothing romantic at all. I never even met up with her only because we had a romantic past & I had a family now so it didn't feel right.
She was here for me after me & Naya's mom split up. I told her everything right off the bat. She has a 4yo daughter & she went through the same thing with her kid's dad so she was honestly more helpful than anybody I turned to. We both had the exact same romantic feelings from the moment we saw each other again (after a whole 10 years) but we both held off because of what I'm going through. The timing just wasn't right. It never has been with us. But then I admitted that I wanted to hold her like I used to.. she admitted that she needed it & was afraid to ask.. so the next day I went to her place & after talking for a while, she took my hand & led me to her room.
We kept hooking up after that. Only for a few weeks but honestly it was some of the best I've ever had in my life & I know she feels the same way. As teens, we used to say we'd marry each other someday & have a kid together. Even recently after reconnecting she told me that she never imagined having another kid but if it were with me.. she wouldn't mind. What's crazy is I feel the same way. She always believed I'd be a good dad even back when I was a reckless idiot. It's the biggest reason she always said she'd have a kid with me. Crazier thing is that she hasn't even been with a man in years. She switched to strictly women so being with me recently caused her a lot of confusion. She told me that she hasn't wanted a guy in so long until I showed back up. It's no wonder I can't help but feel like there's something unbreakable about our connection.
I ruined it though because I ghosted her out of guilt. She kept wanting to hang out together & it was so hard to lie to Naya's mom. I just didn't want to fight or make my life any harder at home 😣 she wanted to see me all the time & I just couldn't. I felt like at this time in my life, I can't offer what she needs. & It's not fair for me to operate a relationship on MY terms when HER needs are just as important. In the moment it was easier to shut down than to be 100% transparent but in the long run I only made it way harder. I recently apologized but it's too late. So once again... I've ruined something with one of the most important people in my life. Maybe it could work someday.. maybe it never can. I have a hard time believing we weren't meant to be close in some capacity but maybe that's just wishful thinking. I guess only time will tell.
For now I'm just grateful for the ways she helped me. That time with her healed me in ways I really needed & it reminded me that I can be wanted or loved again. That I could be worth something to somebody. It helped me realize that Naya's mom never made me feel like that. She never was affectionate with me, complimented me, or even was romantic with me & I settled for that. After a while I forgot how much I love all those things.
I know I'm just a stupid man. But men love to be loved too
When my relationship ended & Naya's mom immediately slept with someone else.. it really crushed me. Especially because she knew how I felt & she even started trying with me again immediately after she did it. I felt so stupid & humiliated. She said he was her first love from her teenage years so I felt so threatened but also a little understanding. Like at least it wasn't a stranger or someone you didn't even care about. But it didn't hurt any less. If anything, maybe more.
My first love is who I lost my virginity to. We lost touch because I was throwing my life away & she was too. She used to be my best friend. Every guy needs a girl best friend he can vent to to keep his head straight. She was that friend for me until she moved outta state & we lost touch. She moved back here a few years ago (while I was a soon-to-be dad) & we got in touch again but nothing romantic at all. I never even met up with her only because we had a romantic past & I had a family now so it didn't feel right.
She was here for me after me & Naya's mom split up. I told her everything right off the bat. She has a 4yo daughter & she went through the same thing with her kid's dad so she was honestly more helpful than anybody I turned to. We both had the exact same romantic feelings from the moment we saw each other again (after a whole 10 years) but we both held off because of what I'm going through. The timing just wasn't right. It never has been with us. But then I admitted that I wanted to hold her like I used to.. she admitted that she needed it & was afraid to ask.. so the next day I went to her place & after talking for a while, she took my hand & led me to her room.
We kept hooking up after that. Only for a few weeks but honestly it was some of the best I've ever had in my life & I know she feels the same way. As teens, we used to say we'd marry each other someday & have a kid together. Even recently after reconnecting she told me that she never imagined having another kid but if it were with me.. she wouldn't mind. What's crazy is I feel the same way. She always believed I'd be a good dad even back when I was a reckless idiot. It's the biggest reason she always said she'd have a kid with me. Crazier thing is that she hasn't even been with a man in years. She switched to strictly women so being with me recently caused her a lot of confusion. She told me that she hasn't wanted a guy in so long until I showed back up. It's no wonder I can't help but feel like there's something unbreakable about our connection.
I ruined it though because I ghosted her out of guilt. She kept wanting to hang out together & it was so hard to lie to Naya's mom. I just didn't want to fight or make my life any harder at home 😣 she wanted to see me all the time & I just couldn't. I felt like at this time in my life, I can't offer what she needs. & It's not fair for me to operate a relationship on MY terms when HER needs are just as important. In the moment it was easier to shut down than to be 100% transparent but in the long run I only made it way harder. I recently apologized but it's too late. So once again... I've ruined something with one of the most important people in my life. Maybe it could work someday.. maybe it never can. I have a hard time believing we weren't meant to be close in some capacity but maybe that's just wishful thinking. I guess only time will tell.
For now I'm just grateful for the ways she helped me. That time with her healed me in ways I really needed & it reminded me that I can be wanted or loved again. That I could be worth something to somebody. It helped me realize that Naya's mom never made me feel like that. She never was affectionate with me, complimented me, or even was romantic with me & I settled for that. After a while I forgot how much I love all those things.
I know I'm just a stupid man. But men love to be loved too
