"Finding Light in a Dark Place" part 2
I wrote my first jail journal entry weeks ago & haven't made time to do another one since then. Maybe next time I'll take a picture of the papers & see if AI can convert the writing for me 😂 stuff like that probably works these days.
Anyway, I wrote this one weeks after the first one. I didn't have a notebook at first so I was writing on loose disorganized papers. This was my first organized entry in an actual notebook. Sorry ahead of time that all of these are basically just rambling & reflection. It was a good way to vent & pass time. But mainly it was to keep as a reminder to myself & maybe even let my daughter read one day if she was curious. That's why they don't focus on negativity.. I wanted be able to say I learned something every time I wrote.
Anyway, I wrote this one weeks after the first one. I didn't have a notebook at first so I was writing on loose disorganized papers. This was my first organized entry in an actual notebook. Sorry ahead of time that all of these are basically just rambling & reflection. It was a good way to vent & pass time. But mainly it was to keep as a reminder to myself & maybe even let my daughter read one day if she was curious. That's why they don't focus on negativity.. I wanted be able to say I learned something every time I wrote.
Dec. 16, 2024
Talked to my lady today; she cried on the phone & that was hard to hear. She said something happened but she didn't wanna talk about it on the phone. I tried not to ask many questions but it was hard. I just hope she's okay. She said she has nobody to talk to & it made me think about the fact that she doesn't have any friends she's close to. Her closest friend is a childhood friend but they don't talk too often from what I understand. Before we got together she referred to me as her closest friend. I remember when she used to call me nearly every night & I started to think "doesn't she have other friends?", but not in a mean way. I just noticed that she didn't have anybody else she called as much as me. Right now I really wish she had a close friend she could talk to whenever she can't talk to me. Especially at a time like now when I can't be there. It sucked to hear her cry on the phone, knowing I can't do shit from in here. It's a guilty feeling because I know it's my fault I'm here. Lord knows I miss her & our daughter more than anything. Every time I pray they're the first & last people I pray for. I can't stress how useless I feel not being able to be there so I ask God to take care of them for me, to the point I end up in tears over it. An OG homie told me not to be ashamed of those tears because it's God cleansing me. That helped.
After I got off the phone with my lady, that same OG asked me if I was okay because he could tell it affected me. I said I was okay & I told him & the other OG what we talked about. He said he'd pray for me & I appreciate that greatly because I know he means it. I see him pray every night before he lays down. After that I talked to the two OG's in my cell for a while & I'm grateful the conversation helped me stop feeling so bad. Another example of finding light in a dark place. I just wish my lady had someone to turn to. It's crazy I could even find that in here at all.
We talked about our kids & they're both 57yo men but one thing we have in common is we love the fuck out of our kids & take pride in our families. You don't find a lot of that in here. A lot of guys talk about not even knowing their families or not being there & that says a lot about their priorities. That's how I know I'm not like them & I don't belong here. Because I love my daughter with all my heart & I never wanna be away from her again. She changed my life & without her I probably still wouldn't even care about myself. All I wanna do is go home & see her. That's the hardest part about being locked up.
We talked about our own childhoods & upbringings too. The Chicano OG said his mom got cancer after he was born so first thing he remembers as a kid was watching her deteriorate early. By age 6, he was filled with anger & got arrested for 1st degree murder. At only 6 years old. He didn't get out until he was 19. He started a 13 year sentence just barely 6 years into his life. Ain't that some shit? That tripped me out. Wise dude though & he's who I talk to the most in here.
I told him about my own struggles with my dad & how his abuse led to my anger as a kid, plus not having my mom either but only because she left. I talked about how my dad & I used to physically fight until he changed for the better. Then we still butted heads because he couldn't control me anymore & I did whatever I wanted. I talked about the time I turned 18 & he tried talking to me. He stopped me in the hallway one day & said he felt like he couldn't tell me what to do because he didn't want the confrontation anymore. He knew I wouldn't back down so he just left me alone. He said he felt like a hypocrite even telling me anything since he was just like me. I remember listening to every word & taking it to heart but I wasn't ready to show my feelings. All I said in the end was "You done?".. so he stepped aside & said "I guess so".
Then I walked past him & left straight out the front door. A few weeks later he kicked me out with the words "get the fuck out of my house" & all I said back was "don't worry I'm already gone". When I walked out that door we didn't see or speak to each other for 5 years. All because of my own hurt & anger that I couldn't let go of.
I told the OG's about the time a few years ago when my dad told me that he sees me someday having a huge mansion & a bunch of cars. That he thinks I'll do so much better than him & he genuinely thinks I'm the smartest person he knows. I got mad so I stood up & snapped, "why would you put that on me? I don't want any of that shit I just want to be fucking happy!" Then I stormed off.
What I didn't realize back then is I wasn't mad at him. I was mad that he believed in me because I couldn't believe in myself. I didn't want that responsibility. But even though I was hardheaded back then I always listened & I still remember all that stuff.
OG told me "you know why he told you that stuff? Because you reminded him of himself except he believed you were wiser than he was at that age. He sees himself in you except he believes you're the better version" & that shit hit me in the heart. Because as a new dad, I understand that now. And even though we had a hard history, we love each other & we grew past it.
I even talked about how just days before my lady told me she was pregnant, I got drunk, pulled out my gun, & shot a car in my dad's driveway. I came back the next day to apologize & I was fully prepared for him to say he didn't want me around anymore. I was ready to accept that. Instead he hugged me & told me "I love you & I think you need to hear that". He cried when I hugged him back. I didn't expect that at all & I felt like I didn't deserve it but I was grateful. Two days later, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant & it felt like the old me died right then & there. I was still an idiot just days before I found out I was gonna be a dad. I guess everything really does happen for a reason. Because as I write this now, I'm realizing that moment with my dad helped change me & prepare me to be a father too. In that moment he taught me what fatherhood is, right before I became one. I never thought of it that way until now. Damn.
This is what I mean about finding light in a dark place. As much as this place sucks & can bring you down, sometimes we can find solace in being there for each other. I get along with the OG's the most because we're always on the same page plus I learn from their wisdom. We're there for each other, look out for each other, & we know this county jail shit ain't for us because we got families to take care of that's more important than any of this other shit
Talked to my lady today; she cried on the phone & that was hard to hear. She said something happened but she didn't wanna talk about it on the phone. I tried not to ask many questions but it was hard. I just hope she's okay. She said she has nobody to talk to & it made me think about the fact that she doesn't have any friends she's close to. Her closest friend is a childhood friend but they don't talk too often from what I understand. Before we got together she referred to me as her closest friend. I remember when she used to call me nearly every night & I started to think "doesn't she have other friends?", but not in a mean way. I just noticed that she didn't have anybody else she called as much as me. Right now I really wish she had a close friend she could talk to whenever she can't talk to me. Especially at a time like now when I can't be there. It sucked to hear her cry on the phone, knowing I can't do shit from in here. It's a guilty feeling because I know it's my fault I'm here. Lord knows I miss her & our daughter more than anything. Every time I pray they're the first & last people I pray for. I can't stress how useless I feel not being able to be there so I ask God to take care of them for me, to the point I end up in tears over it. An OG homie told me not to be ashamed of those tears because it's God cleansing me. That helped.
After I got off the phone with my lady, that same OG asked me if I was okay because he could tell it affected me. I said I was okay & I told him & the other OG what we talked about. He said he'd pray for me & I appreciate that greatly because I know he means it. I see him pray every night before he lays down. After that I talked to the two OG's in my cell for a while & I'm grateful the conversation helped me stop feeling so bad. Another example of finding light in a dark place. I just wish my lady had someone to turn to. It's crazy I could even find that in here at all.
We talked about our kids & they're both 57yo men but one thing we have in common is we love the fuck out of our kids & take pride in our families. You don't find a lot of that in here. A lot of guys talk about not even knowing their families or not being there & that says a lot about their priorities. That's how I know I'm not like them & I don't belong here. Because I love my daughter with all my heart & I never wanna be away from her again. She changed my life & without her I probably still wouldn't even care about myself. All I wanna do is go home & see her. That's the hardest part about being locked up.
We talked about our own childhoods & upbringings too. The Chicano OG said his mom got cancer after he was born so first thing he remembers as a kid was watching her deteriorate early. By age 6, he was filled with anger & got arrested for 1st degree murder. At only 6 years old. He didn't get out until he was 19. He started a 13 year sentence just barely 6 years into his life. Ain't that some shit? That tripped me out. Wise dude though & he's who I talk to the most in here.
I told him about my own struggles with my dad & how his abuse led to my anger as a kid, plus not having my mom either but only because she left. I talked about how my dad & I used to physically fight until he changed for the better. Then we still butted heads because he couldn't control me anymore & I did whatever I wanted. I talked about the time I turned 18 & he tried talking to me. He stopped me in the hallway one day & said he felt like he couldn't tell me what to do because he didn't want the confrontation anymore. He knew I wouldn't back down so he just left me alone. He said he felt like a hypocrite even telling me anything since he was just like me. I remember listening to every word & taking it to heart but I wasn't ready to show my feelings. All I said in the end was "You done?".. so he stepped aside & said "I guess so".
Then I walked past him & left straight out the front door. A few weeks later he kicked me out with the words "get the fuck out of my house" & all I said back was "don't worry I'm already gone". When I walked out that door we didn't see or speak to each other for 5 years. All because of my own hurt & anger that I couldn't let go of.
I told the OG's about the time a few years ago when my dad told me that he sees me someday having a huge mansion & a bunch of cars. That he thinks I'll do so much better than him & he genuinely thinks I'm the smartest person he knows. I got mad so I stood up & snapped, "why would you put that on me? I don't want any of that shit I just want to be fucking happy!" Then I stormed off.
What I didn't realize back then is I wasn't mad at him. I was mad that he believed in me because I couldn't believe in myself. I didn't want that responsibility. But even though I was hardheaded back then I always listened & I still remember all that stuff.
OG told me "you know why he told you that stuff? Because you reminded him of himself except he believed you were wiser than he was at that age. He sees himself in you except he believes you're the better version" & that shit hit me in the heart. Because as a new dad, I understand that now. And even though we had a hard history, we love each other & we grew past it.
I even talked about how just days before my lady told me she was pregnant, I got drunk, pulled out my gun, & shot a car in my dad's driveway. I came back the next day to apologize & I was fully prepared for him to say he didn't want me around anymore. I was ready to accept that. Instead he hugged me & told me "I love you & I think you need to hear that". He cried when I hugged him back. I didn't expect that at all & I felt like I didn't deserve it but I was grateful. Two days later, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant & it felt like the old me died right then & there. I was still an idiot just days before I found out I was gonna be a dad. I guess everything really does happen for a reason. Because as I write this now, I'm realizing that moment with my dad helped change me & prepare me to be a father too. In that moment he taught me what fatherhood is, right before I became one. I never thought of it that way until now. Damn.
This is what I mean about finding light in a dark place. As much as this place sucks & can bring you down, sometimes we can find solace in being there for each other. I get along with the OG's the most because we're always on the same page plus I learn from their wisdom. We're there for each other, look out for each other, & we know this county jail shit ain't for us because we got families to take care of that's more important than any of this other shit
