I Have Good Days And Bad Days And Every Day In Between
More bad days than good anymore. This is humiliating to write and I’m so afraid I will get negative comments but I want to vent my feelings. I have never told anyone this. I am 43 years old and I don’t have any friends and I am not close to my family. I feel so lonely. I think I do a good job pretending I’m not lonely and that my life is good. I look successful on the outside. But, maybe I am not a likeable person??
I have never worked at a place where my co workers liked me. I don’t get texts from people asking how my day was or sending me a funny meme. Today is my birthday. I got a text from my mother that I rarely see and did not grow up with. Other than that, nada. I’ve tried dating but it usually fizzles out after a few dates. I’ve become severely depressed. I don’t think I have had more than a week in my life where I haven’t thought about suicide. No one knows that or would probably even guess that about me. I have a plan. I know how and where. But I’m a single mom and I’m so afraid of what it would do to my kids. Although having a depressed stressed out tired mom isn’t the best scenario either. It’s hard to feel safe when it’s you on your own with no safety net.
I want people to like me. I want to have friends. I would love to have a friend to go watch a movie with or shop with. But it just does not seem to happen. I blame myself. When I was younger, I had friends. But, after a moment of severe loneliness when my dad threw me out of the house and in desperation for someone to love me, I slept w one of my friends exes ( I felt terrible and he promised not to tell — but he did). My friends all got together, him included, and did a pretty severe payback to me. I was humiliated and hid away for a long time. It hurt that it was all of them and they dragged it out for awhile. I’m insecure. I always feel out of place and not good enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not loved enough. It makes me no doubt socially awkward. I wish I were stronger. I wish I could love myself. I wish someone loved me.
I don’t have family other than my boys.Grew up w my dad and I moved out when I was 17 and he and I have barely spoken in some 26 years. Was never close to my mom. She didn’t live w me. She and my father divorced and I. Arely know her. She told me some kids are harder to love. I’m assuming I’m some kid.
I know I bring a lot on myself. I’m type A and am kind of hyper. Maybe I come across aggressive?? I don’t think I do but maybe I do. I seriously don’t mean anything by it but I know it’s annoying. I feel like I genuinely try to stick up for the underdog and it just alienates me and that person. A co worker got mad at me for saying something stupid today that I immediately regretted. My co worker told me to shut up and that my co workers got sick of hearing me. I went into my office and cried. I got her this job and her job before that one. So it hurts that she sees me negatively as well. I made enemies in administration by going to bat for people when I was a supervisor and she was one of those people. But then when I tried to make policy or enforce policy here, they went behind my back to administration who was happy to demote me and did so. I thought I was doing the right thing. I mean well. I just don’t know when to reel it in. I am starting a new job this Monday and I pray I’m not awkward or nervous. I want to love myself, be good with who I am. How do I do that??? I’m envious of people who have family and a place to go for the holidays, who have people get them a cake for their birthday or just someone to call and say “I had a shitty day”.
I have never worked at a place where my co workers liked me. I don’t get texts from people asking how my day was or sending me a funny meme. Today is my birthday. I got a text from my mother that I rarely see and did not grow up with. Other than that, nada. I’ve tried dating but it usually fizzles out after a few dates. I’ve become severely depressed. I don’t think I have had more than a week in my life where I haven’t thought about suicide. No one knows that or would probably even guess that about me. I have a plan. I know how and where. But I’m a single mom and I’m so afraid of what it would do to my kids. Although having a depressed stressed out tired mom isn’t the best scenario either. It’s hard to feel safe when it’s you on your own with no safety net.
I want people to like me. I want to have friends. I would love to have a friend to go watch a movie with or shop with. But it just does not seem to happen. I blame myself. When I was younger, I had friends. But, after a moment of severe loneliness when my dad threw me out of the house and in desperation for someone to love me, I slept w one of my friends exes ( I felt terrible and he promised not to tell — but he did). My friends all got together, him included, and did a pretty severe payback to me. I was humiliated and hid away for a long time. It hurt that it was all of them and they dragged it out for awhile. I’m insecure. I always feel out of place and not good enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. Not loved enough. It makes me no doubt socially awkward. I wish I were stronger. I wish I could love myself. I wish someone loved me.
I don’t have family other than my boys.Grew up w my dad and I moved out when I was 17 and he and I have barely spoken in some 26 years. Was never close to my mom. She didn’t live w me. She and my father divorced and I. Arely know her. She told me some kids are harder to love. I’m assuming I’m some kid.
I know I bring a lot on myself. I’m type A and am kind of hyper. Maybe I come across aggressive?? I don’t think I do but maybe I do. I seriously don’t mean anything by it but I know it’s annoying. I feel like I genuinely try to stick up for the underdog and it just alienates me and that person. A co worker got mad at me for saying something stupid today that I immediately regretted. My co worker told me to shut up and that my co workers got sick of hearing me. I went into my office and cried. I got her this job and her job before that one. So it hurts that she sees me negatively as well. I made enemies in administration by going to bat for people when I was a supervisor and she was one of those people. But then when I tried to make policy or enforce policy here, they went behind my back to administration who was happy to demote me and did so. I thought I was doing the right thing. I mean well. I just don’t know when to reel it in. I am starting a new job this Monday and I pray I’m not awkward or nervous. I want to love myself, be good with who I am. How do I do that??? I’m envious of people who have family and a place to go for the holidays, who have people get them a cake for their birthday or just someone to call and say “I had a shitty day”.
46-50, F
