I had a dream of being an older adoptive mother
I never wanted to be a biological mother or get pregnant. I imagined When I was in my 50s and 60s to a wonderful older child or youth ( teenager) after I spent my 20s-40s doing what I wanted in life and traveling and living on my own. I would still have my hobbies/interests/talents/passions/skillsets/aptitudes and would want an older child or teenager that liked some of the things I did like reading, arts/crafts, creative writing, learning languages, music, word searches and brain games, science, fashion and beauty, research, movies and tv, etc. I dreamed I would home and world school them. This youth would be an a more social introvert just like me. I would live part time in a nice spacious rv motorhome and take trips with them and my spouse all over the world and road trip across the continent. I imagined giving them the youth and young adulthood I always wanted. They would do online learning. I would work from anywhere with an internet connection as a writer and scholar. They would be old enough to mostly take care of themselves except for finances and I would do cooking but let them help with the chores and maintenance so they prepared for young adulthood starting at like 15-16. I would encourage them to train in a skill online ( one that they could do remotely with a flexible schedule) first before going to college so they wouldn’t. Have to take minimum wage thankless jobs at like 17 or 18. I would help pay for university with my own money from my career and no student loans. Actually I would have them learn a skill that yields at least a moderately high income so they feel independent. They could stay with me and live at home for as long as they wanted. I would not charge them rent. I wouldn’t put them in a regular school from k-12 to be stuck to a desk all day and only deal with annoying peers. If they were smart enough, I’d let them skip a couple of grades. I would allow them to go to self directed learning groups to make friends. I would live somewhere where public transportation was readily available so they would have the option to take public transit as a teenager instead of having to rely on me for rides everywhere if that’s what they preferred. I would give them choices you can learn to drive a car at 16 or older or use busses, trains, and taxis. I would want them to be exposed to different cultures and languages. I would still have rules like no drinking, smoking, or using recreational drugs. Maybe a house in the city or mid sized town with a second home in the countryside. As far as sex, I would tell them the consequences in great detail and encourage abstinence until they are in their 20s. Also I would never assume the sexual orientation or gender identity of my child. But if need be and they were like late teens early twenties I would not have any rule about their romantic partners spending the night because that would just make them want to sneak around, and I don’t want my kid to be sneaking around having unprotected sex. I would rather know where they are safe and sound and at least using protection to prevent from catching stds and pregnancy. If abstinence failed, I would encourage them to have only one romantic partner at a time and to value long term relationships. If my kid got pregnant for example I wouldn’t be happy but I wouldn’t make their lives tougher than they already are. The options would be a medical abortion in the first few weeks, adoption, or keeping the baby with family support. I don’t know how I would feel about surgical abortion. I would treat my teenager ( later teens) like a young adult. I would not impose a curfew but I would want to know where and who they are with when they are out. Hell I would even let them cook and bake sometimes. Also we would discuss post secondary life seriously from when they were young. We would discuss four year university, trade school, community college, apprenticeships, entrepreneurship and what they would want to do from the time they were 13 or 14 because I would not send them to higher education without them having a plan of what they want out of it. If they rather work on their high income skills for a few years for example around because some careers don’t have a age minimum like 18. Say in technology. They could learn visual design and web development online or at a coding bootcamp. Just one example. For then go to college or something else that would be fine too. I would of course encourage them to befriend good people who have values and morals and stay away from people with negative vices like my parents did. I would let them take internships, volunteer trips with chaperones, and other pre college programs because I want them to be exposed to the world and how others live. I would absolutely. Insist they finish high school though whether through a diploma or ged but I want to them to learn internal motivation and responsibility so home schooling would be best learning online in maybe an international school. I would encourage them to study abroad for a semester. And if they aren’t pursuing some form of education or trade ,or starting a business they will be working ( unless they are disabled and can’t) . But I wouldn’t pressure to just get any job I would work with them to find them a job that aligns with their preferences, life goals, and values. It could be part time or full time. I would encourage them to take recreational classes for fun too like my parents did for me. And if not disabled and unable to work, I would start encouraging them to pay smaller bills by giving me money they earned for cell phone or part of their car bills. ( if they choose to drive) by the time they are 18 -21 they should be helping contribute a couple hundred dollars to a few hundred dollars every month to household expenses in a flat rate sum. I imagined getting together for holidays and if they are suffering from disability then I would.obviously be paying for them for life. And seeing them in their college years and young adulthood at home with the family or if they want they could try to move out on their own but would always have their rooms ready in case they wanted or needed to come back home. I would help them financially if they were struggling. But this is why at like 16-17 I would recommend starting vocational skills training so they can have decent jobs instead of working minimum wage jobs that have no long term vision. I would take them on trips with my spouse take them shopping. I would want to be like their adoptive mother and best friend. I would provide everything they need while slowly. Transitioning them to more independence. Hell if my kid wanted to live at home forever that would be fine with me too but they were working, made independent wealth, or studying. I would encourage them to make friends and would pay for extra curricular. Activities when home and not on a world schooling trip. I would have the house paid off in cash ( no taking out mortgages) so when I die they have a place they can call home. I would make sure to make a six figure income. Hell I would even show about alternatives to renting an apartment or a mortgaging house to like housesitting. And show them how to build wealth instead of getting into debt.i would also never tell them how to dress as long as they were clean and covered their personal areas and undergarments. For example, if my kid got easily cold I wouldn’t try to force them to change being bundled up or warmly dressed if that’s how they felt comfortable like my parents did and still do to me. If my kid were easily hot I’m not going to make them dress in a few thick layers either. Of course I would make sure my kid has their physical health in good working order. I wouldn’t care if my kid wanted to be a goth for example. Or if a girl young woman dressed like a tomboy or a boy dressed effeminately. As long as they were being true to who they are and happy. I wouldn’t care if my kid were intersex, trans, straight, gay lesbian, bisexual etc. I wouldn’t just assume they would follow the religious or spiritual tradition of the family and would let them make their own choices as a young adult if they wanted to join a spiritual path or religion. I wouldn’t care if my kid was Wiccan, Christian, agnostic or anything else.( within reason) If they were an atheist I wouldn’t care. They could date or marry who they want( obviously avoiding extremes).
I would have them avoid cults or any fanatical beliefs. I would only interfere if they were in an abusive relationship dynamic or into a lifestyle that was extreme or unhealthy. Or if they joined a cult or fanatical belief system. Then I would tell them they need to get out or if necessary I would force them out. Yes I would force my adult child out even if I had to get a weapon to protect them and me from say a cult leader and followers. Ideally, it would never come to that.
I imagine making memories with going on vacations, making them a late breakfast or brunch. Birthday dinners and holiday get togethers. Giving them what they always wanted a family to love and guide them without smothering them. I would want my adoptive kids to grow up to be happy in their own skin and be true to themselves even if the world doesn’t agree with them. Also I would not freak out over piercings and tattoos. Nose rings belly button rings etc are pretty tame. If my 17 year old wanted a tattoo I wouldn’t forbid it but I would explain that they are permanent and getting a tattoo might hurt a bit. It comes back to I would rather we go to a clean licensed place than they try something behind my back and get infected. Obviously there are places I would not allow my teenager to go. Adult nightclubs are a no. Innocent teen dance clubs like they have in Europe are acceptable. Obviously no sexually charged adult themes places like strip clubs, prostitution, no hard core pornography like you find on the internet. Pg-13 and rated r movies are ok. I would allow them to express themselves so long as it didn’t hurt them or anyone else and it was healthy and safe as well as age appropriate. If my kid told me they were into hardcore bdsm like getting choked or something yeah that might warrant the psychologists office. If my kid wants to date I would have age limits on who they could date obviously. I’m not going to let a 16 year old date a 28 year old for instance. I don’t care if they are legal age of consent.,I would buy them everything they wanted like handicrafts, artwork, nice home decor, furniture, ceramics, apparel and accessories, jewelry, quilts and bedding you name it. I would want my kid to want for nothing just like my parents did for me and my sister. I would pay for extra activities and want them to have balanced lives. Enough exposure without endangering them and enough protection without smothering them or make them want to rebel against restrictive rules. I would want them to be well adapted adults who could navigate the world and think in shades of grey vs black and white. But I would also bring them up with morals and good values like don’t steal, don’t cheat others, respect life and to be kind to people and animals, help the weak, work hard for what you want. If they want to be vegetarians or vegans I would support that too so long as they were getting adequate nutrition. Be honest and don’t slander others. Basically to value social justice and equality. And treat others the way they would like to be treated. No killing innocents. Be open to immigrants and refugees. Of course if you go to a country where being yourself could cause you trouble it’s better to respect the local laws and customs. You get my point. I would want them to value education both formal and informal. Values I would impart to them:,autonomy ,curiosity, independence, freedom( not a free for all though) intellect, creativity novelty, variety, , flexibility, security, respect, compassion, and more. I would tell them don’t ghost people and follow through on your plans. Respect others even if you don’t agree with them.,of course also don’t take any disrespect. From anyone and know when to walk away from a toxic person or situation.. if you have to kill someone because they are going to harm you, well I would tell them to fight back even if you have to maim and kill in self defense. You know stuff like attempted murder, rape, physical violence, armed robbery, and so on. Then maiming and killing can’t be avoided. I try to impart wisdom for a distaste for war. And to help those less fortunate and not oppress the meek. Don’t bully others or call them names and insults. You get the idea
But because of my mental illnesses and my low motivation and barely being able to take care of myself. I need to take care of myself and be good at that. And I will never be able to afford adopting an older child or teenager. I had a dream of being an adoptive mother but I know I should not be a mother because of my limitations, I need to take care of myself and make sure I can be a proper adult for the rest of my life first. I did not spend my time and life doing all these amazing things.. my life will be a little more limited and had no place for a kid. I need to remember to take care of my self and my surroundings first. But it was a heart warming. Vision. I still need to get up in the am and take care of household chores, maintenance, shopping and personal shopping. Joe to pay bills, insurance, taxes you name it I’m still learning all these things. I have yet to be a proper adult because of low motivation and mental
Illness.,
I would have them avoid cults or any fanatical beliefs. I would only interfere if they were in an abusive relationship dynamic or into a lifestyle that was extreme or unhealthy. Or if they joined a cult or fanatical belief system. Then I would tell them they need to get out or if necessary I would force them out. Yes I would force my adult child out even if I had to get a weapon to protect them and me from say a cult leader and followers. Ideally, it would never come to that.
I imagine making memories with going on vacations, making them a late breakfast or brunch. Birthday dinners and holiday get togethers. Giving them what they always wanted a family to love and guide them without smothering them. I would want my adoptive kids to grow up to be happy in their own skin and be true to themselves even if the world doesn’t agree with them. Also I would not freak out over piercings and tattoos. Nose rings belly button rings etc are pretty tame. If my 17 year old wanted a tattoo I wouldn’t forbid it but I would explain that they are permanent and getting a tattoo might hurt a bit. It comes back to I would rather we go to a clean licensed place than they try something behind my back and get infected. Obviously there are places I would not allow my teenager to go. Adult nightclubs are a no. Innocent teen dance clubs like they have in Europe are acceptable. Obviously no sexually charged adult themes places like strip clubs, prostitution, no hard core pornography like you find on the internet. Pg-13 and rated r movies are ok. I would allow them to express themselves so long as it didn’t hurt them or anyone else and it was healthy and safe as well as age appropriate. If my kid told me they were into hardcore bdsm like getting choked or something yeah that might warrant the psychologists office. If my kid wants to date I would have age limits on who they could date obviously. I’m not going to let a 16 year old date a 28 year old for instance. I don’t care if they are legal age of consent.,I would buy them everything they wanted like handicrafts, artwork, nice home decor, furniture, ceramics, apparel and accessories, jewelry, quilts and bedding you name it. I would want my kid to want for nothing just like my parents did for me and my sister. I would pay for extra activities and want them to have balanced lives. Enough exposure without endangering them and enough protection without smothering them or make them want to rebel against restrictive rules. I would want them to be well adapted adults who could navigate the world and think in shades of grey vs black and white. But I would also bring them up with morals and good values like don’t steal, don’t cheat others, respect life and to be kind to people and animals, help the weak, work hard for what you want. If they want to be vegetarians or vegans I would support that too so long as they were getting adequate nutrition. Be honest and don’t slander others. Basically to value social justice and equality. And treat others the way they would like to be treated. No killing innocents. Be open to immigrants and refugees. Of course if you go to a country where being yourself could cause you trouble it’s better to respect the local laws and customs. You get my point. I would want them to value education both formal and informal. Values I would impart to them:,autonomy ,curiosity, independence, freedom( not a free for all though) intellect, creativity novelty, variety, , flexibility, security, respect, compassion, and more. I would tell them don’t ghost people and follow through on your plans. Respect others even if you don’t agree with them.,of course also don’t take any disrespect. From anyone and know when to walk away from a toxic person or situation.. if you have to kill someone because they are going to harm you, well I would tell them to fight back even if you have to maim and kill in self defense. You know stuff like attempted murder, rape, physical violence, armed robbery, and so on. Then maiming and killing can’t be avoided. I try to impart wisdom for a distaste for war. And to help those less fortunate and not oppress the meek. Don’t bully others or call them names and insults. You get the idea
But because of my mental illnesses and my low motivation and barely being able to take care of myself. I need to take care of myself and be good at that. And I will never be able to afford adopting an older child or teenager. I had a dream of being an adoptive mother but I know I should not be a mother because of my limitations, I need to take care of myself and make sure I can be a proper adult for the rest of my life first. I did not spend my time and life doing all these amazing things.. my life will be a little more limited and had no place for a kid. I need to remember to take care of my self and my surroundings first. But it was a heart warming. Vision. I still need to get up in the am and take care of household chores, maintenance, shopping and personal shopping. Joe to pay bills, insurance, taxes you name it I’m still learning all these things. I have yet to be a proper adult because of low motivation and mental
Illness.,
31-35, F