I Dont Know Who I Am Anymore

I have been very confused for the past few years. My mind feels so complicated. I would consider myself a closeted trans-woman, but I live in a males body. What is confusing me is that my feelings don’t line up with my views on a lot of things. I want to be a woman and I totally agree with gay marriage, but I also side with trump on a lot of topics. I’ve already known that I am very neutral politically, but that’s not what I’m here to talk about. I’m here to talk about me. I feel like I am a female trapped in a mans body, but some days I want to be a man. I think one of the biggest things holding me back—which makes me feel like a hypocrite— is that I care about how people see me. I say that makes me feel like a hypocrite because I tell people like my girlfriend that other people’s views don’t matter and it is how you see yourself. Yet, I still can’t take my own advice? I have a good thing going with my girlfriend and I don’t want to ruin it by telling her that I feel like I am a woman. Also, I don’t want to tell my parents that I still feel this way because when I told them 3, almost 4, years ago, they freaked out and basically my whole life changed and the only way it got any better with them is when I pretended that it was “just a phase.” The more time I spend alone, the more I want to dress up, and have girl friends that know that I dress up. I’m also in band at my college and there is one gay guy who dressed extremely girly for Halloween. I was so happy that he didn’t care how other people saw him. He liked that version of himself. The thing that would get me would be that, the only reason people wouldn’t speak their disapproval would be that it’s frowned upon on this campus of equality. Thank you for anyone who stuck all the way through this. I’m just having a really tough time in my life right now...