I Just Met My Dark Side Recently

I never knew I had a dark side. I did like horror movies, or at least good ones.

I was experienced enough to know that many "good" personalities hide some truly bad people.

Likewise, some very apparently tough people have a lot of kindness in them which they hide so they won't seem weak. Sonny Liston treated his friends, family and wife kindly although the mere look of his fighting face scared some very strong boxing opponents. And he was very aggressive in the ring. People are complex and often hard to figure out.

Right now, I don't exactly know how to consider what's happened to me in my old age.

First, I no longer consider interpersonal violence an entirely bad thing anymore, assuming it's voluntary and mutually agreed upon and between physically equal people. No bullying. The reason is that about a year ago a long time friend and business associate said some very insulting things. When I tried to have a discussion about it with her, she said, "I don't have to talk to you about anything." It put a huge dent in our relationship. Later she apologized. It began to occur to me that I have been hurt verbally and I have been beaten up physically. I have decided, after comparing types of injuries, words are harder to recover from than blows. You can recover from a physical blow much faster and more thoroughly than from a verbal attack most of the time. The scars left by my friend's verbal attacks were worse than the one actual fight we had years ago in New Mexico on a vacation. It took me about 6 weeks to recover from our physical altercation, but I still am feeling emotional pain over what she said to me but refused to discuss with me.

This has made me much more tolerant of physical fighting. And less tolerant of nasty put downs and ugly tirades and name calling. I've told my friend that next time she insults me, I will hit her. She was horrified and told me she had no idea I was that upset at her insults (which she claims she can't remember). She is actually afraid of me, although she is in much better shape than I am and works out at a gym regularly.

The other thing I don't fully comprehend about myself lately is that I, who have never been a sports fan of any kind, have suddenly become a big boxing fan. I really feel myself calming down when I watch a good fight on YouTube. I don't really know what exactly appeals to me about it, but it seems to both entertain me and settle my nerves.

So it seems I have taken a whole different approach to interpersonal violence. Is it a whole new me? Am I headed for jail? What next? I am a 75 year old woman, so it seems amazing to me that I am changing in ANY way at this elderly stage of my life. And if I get arrested, who is going to bail me out? Let me know if you are volunteering.