My story, just a small part of it...
I had a caretaker job in a special historical house in NYS. I was able to hitchhike to work and even found another little job during the summer when my first job was off...it was a free place. No rent. All I had to do is love the critters, (it was a demonstration "farm") and the other 3 people working there, 2 were living off grounds. My mom even saw it, and the last gesture between her and my landlady was a silent "please" from my mom and the landlady's silent "we'll see" in return.
I had my cats with me. I had to pay electricity and kept the place heated with an electric device. I could have found a more economical heater, my only burden was the high electric bill...
But I was so messed up emotionally and so afraid of my past and future I ruined the job. I was lonely and uncomfortable and the landlady was surly and paranoid and grew to fear and hate me. I knew what was happening and felt out of control to stop it.
It was not the only experience like this in my life but the most striking. One day I went to bed with my door opened a crack. Separate apartment on the ground floor and the first door any car would approach as they approached the house. The landlady noticed this slightly ajar door in the morning (why did I let her SEE this??) and threw me out. It was a gruesome eviction, I lost all my self respect and knew the court would have no compassion for me, again facing homelessness and destitution. My job never paid enough for me to get indoors but I had to do it anyway.
I put up my cats with a coworker's neighbor and she lost them, then I took her to SC court and lost the case. More despair and shame. I got into a rooming house and left shortly afterwards, no life there. I still had the job. I found another caretaker job and also a guy, dreamboat type, beautiful, classy and available and soon said goodbye. I wasn't good enough for him. He took me to NYC once to see "Stop Making Sense" by the Talking Heads and I was not entertained because there was no buds for me somehow... (?????) I left the caretaker job and lived in the woods illegally. My life went down slowly after that, and lived pretty much into the future the way I do now...on borrowed energy and borrowed karma and borrowed waning youth, taking energy and hope from others alone...
I couldn't get it up myself or for myself.
Soon after that I decided I was defective and conceded this officially by checking into a "will ruin your life" day-clinic for psychos, and lied to get in. Or at least didn't get offended. I was then thereafter an official life-psycho and would never have any civil rights or self respect ever again. In exchange I got a crazy-check. The job I had to hitchhike to was long gone even though I was now in the same town... Nothing replaced it.
Deep down I felt defective so it was ok for that clinic to finish me off and they did with a big illegal commitment shortly later, which would have been totally unavoidable if I could see the present let alone the unavoidable future.
Now NO ONE will hire me and I just ended a 19 year stint in someone else's house, he just died and left me everything, and I didn't even love him. I got him to trust me just enough to get the legacy. NOW I'm a grown-up, about 50 years too late and I don't know what to do next.
I still feel too defective and don't have much time left to play with. The neighbors all hate me too. I cant get into a foreign country, know no other languages and so edgy and financially afraid I will screw up the move as well.
Out of ideas.
Most people on SW shun me cause I have strong opinions for no reason, probably just to cover the fact that I destroyed my own life and all my good choices and I feel like nobody real.
I ordinarily come on here for 2 days and leave for 3 months. Its been this way since the Experience Project. One person here respects me and I cant move/live there. Across the street here there's a nice lady who "loves" me but wont show solidarity when I get abused by the neighbor between us. The loving lady has strong "boundaries" you see...she said she is afraid that woman will come after her too.
LOL!! But JEBUS loves her madly.
I am dying from the loneliness and fear of NO future.
End of story. I cant stand people saying how "sorry" they are when they learn anything about me. I'd rather not hear it, how hard and hopeless and trite and obligatory and phony it sounds.
I have sibs who shun me too but their lives are nothing to glom onto or emulate. They would also tell impossibly grungy stories if they were here. I have no salable skills in my back pocket to rescue me in the marketplace of existence...
I will probably quit here again after showing this story to the SW world.
I am of the female gender and now quite old. In case anyone really thinks they want to know. I am kinda anonymous on my blurb.
I have been to many "therapists" and in spite of that I know why I'm a failure in life. That doesn't help either. It would have helped if the wisdom had come in a timely way...
I had my cats with me. I had to pay electricity and kept the place heated with an electric device. I could have found a more economical heater, my only burden was the high electric bill...
But I was so messed up emotionally and so afraid of my past and future I ruined the job. I was lonely and uncomfortable and the landlady was surly and paranoid and grew to fear and hate me. I knew what was happening and felt out of control to stop it.
It was not the only experience like this in my life but the most striking. One day I went to bed with my door opened a crack. Separate apartment on the ground floor and the first door any car would approach as they approached the house. The landlady noticed this slightly ajar door in the morning (why did I let her SEE this??) and threw me out. It was a gruesome eviction, I lost all my self respect and knew the court would have no compassion for me, again facing homelessness and destitution. My job never paid enough for me to get indoors but I had to do it anyway.
I put up my cats with a coworker's neighbor and she lost them, then I took her to SC court and lost the case. More despair and shame. I got into a rooming house and left shortly afterwards, no life there. I still had the job. I found another caretaker job and also a guy, dreamboat type, beautiful, classy and available and soon said goodbye. I wasn't good enough for him. He took me to NYC once to see "Stop Making Sense" by the Talking Heads and I was not entertained because there was no buds for me somehow... (?????) I left the caretaker job and lived in the woods illegally. My life went down slowly after that, and lived pretty much into the future the way I do now...on borrowed energy and borrowed karma and borrowed waning youth, taking energy and hope from others alone...
I couldn't get it up myself or for myself.
Soon after that I decided I was defective and conceded this officially by checking into a "will ruin your life" day-clinic for psychos, and lied to get in. Or at least didn't get offended. I was then thereafter an official life-psycho and would never have any civil rights or self respect ever again. In exchange I got a crazy-check. The job I had to hitchhike to was long gone even though I was now in the same town... Nothing replaced it.
Deep down I felt defective so it was ok for that clinic to finish me off and they did with a big illegal commitment shortly later, which would have been totally unavoidable if I could see the present let alone the unavoidable future.
Now NO ONE will hire me and I just ended a 19 year stint in someone else's house, he just died and left me everything, and I didn't even love him. I got him to trust me just enough to get the legacy. NOW I'm a grown-up, about 50 years too late and I don't know what to do next.
I still feel too defective and don't have much time left to play with. The neighbors all hate me too. I cant get into a foreign country, know no other languages and so edgy and financially afraid I will screw up the move as well.
Out of ideas.
Most people on SW shun me cause I have strong opinions for no reason, probably just to cover the fact that I destroyed my own life and all my good choices and I feel like nobody real.
I ordinarily come on here for 2 days and leave for 3 months. Its been this way since the Experience Project. One person here respects me and I cant move/live there. Across the street here there's a nice lady who "loves" me but wont show solidarity when I get abused by the neighbor between us. The loving lady has strong "boundaries" you see...she said she is afraid that woman will come after her too.
LOL!! But JEBUS loves her madly.
I am dying from the loneliness and fear of NO future.
End of story. I cant stand people saying how "sorry" they are when they learn anything about me. I'd rather not hear it, how hard and hopeless and trite and obligatory and phony it sounds.
I have sibs who shun me too but their lives are nothing to glom onto or emulate. They would also tell impossibly grungy stories if they were here. I have no salable skills in my back pocket to rescue me in the marketplace of existence...
I will probably quit here again after showing this story to the SW world.
I am of the female gender and now quite old. In case anyone really thinks they want to know. I am kinda anonymous on my blurb.
I have been to many "therapists" and in spite of that I know why I'm a failure in life. That doesn't help either. It would have helped if the wisdom had come in a timely way...
100+