On the edge again.

Back to the edge. The air is crisp, cold, but I enjoy being cold for whatever reason. The wind is light, but the gusts blow across my back and my hair is disheveled from the constant battering. I sit on the edge, looking down at the water crashing against the rocks below. The only sounds coming from the water splashing and the wind swooping the side of the cliff. My legs are dangling, the wind seemingly pushing me to finally jump. I've been here before. I've seen this exact scenario play out. I always get up and walk back towards civilization. People, and all the emotions they carry tussling with my own. Love. Hate. Kindness. Anger. Lying. Caring. The good and the bad, seemingly experienced randomly. What do I do when I go back, and try to function like what I feel is normal? Have some relationships with people, friends and lovers. Nothing lasts forever, and the only common denominator is me. I'm the one ruining the things that I want. A family. Comfort. Affection. I don't want to jump, but I always end up back here. I'm tired of fighting. My mistakes haunt me constantly. I know everything that I've ever done wrong, and I can't let the memory of those mistakes go. I taunt myself with them. I use them to self-destruct. Why am I like this? What happened that removed me from forgiveness, even when it's myself that I need to forgive? After spending my formative adult years struggling I found happiness. Sometimes relationships don't work, friendships don't last. But when you know, for certain, that you were the cause for their erosion; how do you move past that?

I always thought I was, despite my brain, a good person. I even managed to prove myself wrong on that front. I don't want to die. I want to keep trying. I'm just so tired. I want to jump. I have torn any meaning to life out of my thoughts. I find no solace in the future, of what can be. I can't see it anymore. What happened to me? Why do I keep coming back here? I don't want to live this anymore. I'm not ready to give up... but I'm scared in a fit of rage or anger I'll jump. There's no coming back from that plunge.