Hi, Just A Catch Up
I've been MIA a lot in the last few months.
Have some of you missed me? Maybe some have been glad. Maybe some have no idea of me.
Whatever.
Fact is that I've took some time away from here, from life in general and undergoing a bit of a re-boot. That's in tech terms, of course. Reality? I'm undergoing counselling....
I've been a great ambassador of the 'I'm fine' club for a very long time, but thanks to friends and family, I've had the me that I was reflected back to me....or maybe just the words finally sank in.
Having a disrupted childhood, a drug addicted mum that did try her best, an adopted father that doted on me, but had his mum who hated my very existence and told me daily how worthless I was...that can screw up a child. It did me.
I grew up quite level headed - a chip on BOTH shoulders....found solace in alcohol, drugs and the prostitution lifestyle. Happily so. Trying to prove to myself, and to my family, just how cool I was. Natch, if you knew my background then you'd also know that my grandmother - on my mum's side - encouraged my debauchery.
..and it was fun....until it wasn't.
Along the way I met and married a fantastic guy and had a brood of kids.
Then the wheels were coming off; Anger issues (over my mum), abandonment issues (over, well, everyone!), nearly dying from swine flu, nearly dying from cirrhosis of the liver, giving up drink...and, finally this year, being bored of taking drugs.
What was left was a tired, and unhappy, little girl....fluctuating between the ages of 5 and 12 I'd say....still with all those issues from all those years ago.
Sad how it takes someone to get to their mid/late 30's until they can start making themselves better.
It's all about acceptance - of self, of others - and realising that the past can never be remade or remodelled, that people did what they thought was right....that people love me....and that I am worthy of that love myself....and of loving myself.
It's been 2 months now. Hard and tiring....but feeling better for it.
M x
Have some of you missed me? Maybe some have been glad. Maybe some have no idea of me.
Whatever.
Fact is that I've took some time away from here, from life in general and undergoing a bit of a re-boot. That's in tech terms, of course. Reality? I'm undergoing counselling....
I've been a great ambassador of the 'I'm fine' club for a very long time, but thanks to friends and family, I've had the me that I was reflected back to me....or maybe just the words finally sank in.
Having a disrupted childhood, a drug addicted mum that did try her best, an adopted father that doted on me, but had his mum who hated my very existence and told me daily how worthless I was...that can screw up a child. It did me.
I grew up quite level headed - a chip on BOTH shoulders....found solace in alcohol, drugs and the prostitution lifestyle. Happily so. Trying to prove to myself, and to my family, just how cool I was. Natch, if you knew my background then you'd also know that my grandmother - on my mum's side - encouraged my debauchery.
..and it was fun....until it wasn't.
Along the way I met and married a fantastic guy and had a brood of kids.
Then the wheels were coming off; Anger issues (over my mum), abandonment issues (over, well, everyone!), nearly dying from swine flu, nearly dying from cirrhosis of the liver, giving up drink...and, finally this year, being bored of taking drugs.
What was left was a tired, and unhappy, little girl....fluctuating between the ages of 5 and 12 I'd say....still with all those issues from all those years ago.
Sad how it takes someone to get to their mid/late 30's until they can start making themselves better.
It's all about acceptance - of self, of others - and realising that the past can never be remade or remodelled, that people did what they thought was right....that people love me....and that I am worthy of that love myself....and of loving myself.
It's been 2 months now. Hard and tiring....but feeling better for it.
M x
36-40, F
