because (and this is either a guess or projection, not sure which) Hell feels like home, call it phantom limb syndrome. you get use to those flames constantly licking at you, that harsh pain being a constant somewhere in your life. After a while of it not being there, things feel empty. As if a part of your being is missing. it becomes a compulsion, an itch you cant scratch. because at the moment nothing is going wrong.
your comfort zone (or baseline, or normal, etc.) has always included discomfort, chaos, tears, scar tissue, pain, betrayal, overthinking, worry...(pick your poison)
Here's a odd example. have you seen the film my cousin Vinny?
as to not spoil the story a guy from the large city ends up in small town nowhere, country life/people, quiet nights, etc culture shock ensues.
via some classic 1992 comedic fashion he ends up in jail. there are sirens going off people yelling and screaming and it pans over to him sleeping soundly.
that's his normal. he came from the chaos of the city. and without it he didn't sleep as well.
Now im not saying out habitats cant change and were doomed to be stuck with what we came from. but that's where the invisible pull to chaos stems from.
call it a jump scare, a bass drop, whatever. as we grow in life we see buildups. sometimes its bad shit, relationships that are ok and build to bad till there is a giant fight, then they're good for a bit (repeat), live paycheck to paycheck till something unexpected happens fall and live exceptionally poor for however long.
we learn to associate the low point with things getting better. our normal.
or attribute it to a jump scare in a movie.
we become accustomed to bad things happening in life, our anxiety and tension builds. we don't want to scare to happen but at least once it's over we get the relief of not having to be afraid of what's behind every corner. (granted we have to deal with whatever the hell jumped out but that's an issue for future me to deal with)
so yeah.....thats my rant.
and i think Chidi is my spirit animal, oh so many of his quotes sum up a lot of my life.
