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I found a song I wrote to my dad back when I was younger

I lost a duffle bag full of notebooks in a house fire years ago that had a decades worth of lyrics & drawings I did. But I found an old Dropbox account I had back then & I saved a few songs I had typed out instead of writing. One of them was a song I wrote for my dad after I wasn't speaking to him anymore.

Basically I talked about everything from our childhood & the abuse we dealt with, I talked about my sister & her following my footsteps exactly & how she shares the same anger I carried. Some of the stuff I wrote, I forgot about until now.

Like the time he found out my sister had gone to a party where she drank & tried weed. I heard him yelling at her saying that she was just gonna turn out like me & she snapped back at him "Good because where the f*** were you!? As far as I remember you were the one who hurt us & HE was the only person who was ever there for me so why the f*** would I want to be anything like YOU? Thank GOD I'm like my brother". He had tears in his eyes & went to go hug her but she pushed him away & told him "you're too late for that".

That hurt just to read again because I remember how I felt when I heard that. They didn't even know I was there but I was used to hearing everybody talk down about me. I heard her stand up for me with more passion than I'd ever heard anybody give for me. Yet I still felt shitty for being the bad example.

Another part of the song mentioned a time when he began to yell at me. I just turned 18 & I was done fighting him anymore. Both physically & verbally I was done. I felt too broken & when he started to yell at me all I did was look at him & say nothing. I had no more fight left for him. I think he could see in my eyes how much pain I was in. I heard his tone change instantly & I knew he lost all his anger at that moment. He went from "What the f*** is wrong with you!?" to "I don't know what to do to help you". I told him "just leave me the f*** alone" & I walked out. I didn't come back home for weeks. When I did I came back drunk, went back out, got arrested, came home from jail drunk again, & that was it. That was when he was finally done with me. That was the last time I'd seen or spoke to him for the next 4 to 5 years.

I wrote that song in the middle of the time we weren't speaking. That was my way of letting go of my anger & beginning to accept the past for what it was. I didn't even write about the abuse because I didn't want to hold on to that anymore. I just wrote about the things I regretted myself. Nobody ever saw it but me but that's fine because it was only meant for me. I'm just shocked I found it again. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. It's like I felt it all over again.

There's other songs I found as well but that one hit me the hardest. My dad & I have a rough history & when people hear me say anything about my childhood they mention what a terrible person he must be. In my mind, we traded abuse. He started first & as I got older I abused him back. I weakened him I believe because he's not the same anymore. None of my other siblings dealt with the things my sister & I did.

Maybe that's why we turned out the worst too 馃し who knows
Dainbramadge51-55, M
Music is a wonderful outlet for the soul.
Have you ever heard of the letter not sent?
It's this therapy thing where you write a letter to someone and you say all the things you went to say to them but don't. But you never actually send the letter.
I feel this way when I write some songs. I have some that no one has ever heard except me.
Sometimes the real s*** just pours out into whatever venue is available. If it can't get out you will explode.
If you ever went to put any of your lyrics to music I know a guy. :-)
Actually that's what me and Lost poet are doing. He is letting me take his poems apart and make songs from them.
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@Dainbramadge yeah I've done the letter thing a few times when I was younger. It actually does feel like it helps because it helps you confront some feelings you otherwise might've ignored. I stopped making music though mostly from losing the time for it but also because I didn't know what to write anymore. I only wanted to write what I knew & it was all depressing so I didn't want to keep feeding that energy

Is lost poet a user here? That's dope though what a cool way to use the poems. Music & poetry always go well together
Dainbramadge51-55, M
@ChiefRunsWith40oz Yeah. I forgot he is now LostandForgotten. Or is it LostNForgotten??? I am horrible with names. That's why I hate when people change their avatars. LOL
Yeah man I am going through some serious shit with my 16 year old daughter that won't talk to me and hasn't in six god awful long years. It's a long gruesome story but shit man. I have written about nine of those letters.
Not just letters not sent but can't send. :-(
I write 90% of my music about that. I don't share it tho it is way to personal. But it is my only outlet.
I can understand you not wanting to relive that stuff by writing about it any more.
ChiefRunsWith40oz22-25
@Dainbramadge Oh I've seen that name around 馃憣 I think we've interacted before lol but really? 馃槀 I mean that makes sense but for me I hate when people change their names. I'm like damn what do I call you? 馃槄
But damn man that's rough. I mean I don't ask any questions but I hope she comes around eventually. I can imagine how hard it'd be waiting though. Once my dad told me he's afraid to tell me his opinion sometimes or confront me because he's worried I'll disappear again. It hurts to know he has that fear now

 
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