I found a song I wrote to my dad back when I was younger
I lost a duffle bag full of notebooks in a house fire years ago that had a decades worth of lyrics & drawings I did. But I found an old Dropbox account I had back then & I saved a few songs I had typed out instead of writing. One of them was a song I wrote for my dad after I wasn't speaking to him anymore.
Basically I talked about everything from our childhood & the abuse we dealt with, I talked about my sister & her following my footsteps exactly & how she shares the same anger I carried. Some of the stuff I wrote, I forgot about until now.
Like the time he found out my sister had gone to a party where she drank & tried weed. I heard him yelling at her saying that she was just gonna turn out like me & she snapped back at him "Good because where the f*** were you!? As far as I remember you were the one who hurt us & HE was the only person who was ever there for me so why the f*** would I want to be anything like YOU? Thank GOD I'm like my brother". He had tears in his eyes & went to go hug her but she pushed him away & told him "you're too late for that".
That hurt just to read again because I remember how I felt when I heard that. They didn't even know I was there but I was used to hearing everybody talk down about me. I heard her stand up for me with more passion than I'd ever heard anybody give for me. Yet I still felt shitty for being the bad example.
Another part of the song mentioned a time when he began to yell at me. I just turned 18 & I was done fighting him anymore. Both physically & verbally I was done. I felt too broken & when he started to yell at me all I did was look at him & say nothing. I had no more fight left for him. I think he could see in my eyes how much pain I was in. I heard his tone change instantly & I knew he lost all his anger at that moment. He went from "What the f*** is wrong with you!?" to "I don't know what to do to help you". I told him "just leave me the f*** alone" & I walked out. I didn't come back home for weeks. When I did I came back drunk, went back out, got arrested, came home from jail drunk again, & that was it. That was when he was finally done with me. That was the last time I'd seen or spoke to him for the next 4 to 5 years.
I wrote that song in the middle of the time we weren't speaking. That was my way of letting go of my anger & beginning to accept the past for what it was. I didn't even write about the abuse because I didn't want to hold on to that anymore. I just wrote about the things I regretted myself. Nobody ever saw it but me but that's fine because it was only meant for me. I'm just shocked I found it again. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. It's like I felt it all over again.
There's other songs I found as well but that one hit me the hardest. My dad & I have a rough history & when people hear me say anything about my childhood they mention what a terrible person he must be. In my mind, we traded abuse. He started first & as I got older I abused him back. I weakened him I believe because he's not the same anymore. None of my other siblings dealt with the things my sister & I did.
Maybe that's why we turned out the worst too 🤷 who knows
Basically I talked about everything from our childhood & the abuse we dealt with, I talked about my sister & her following my footsteps exactly & how she shares the same anger I carried. Some of the stuff I wrote, I forgot about until now.
Like the time he found out my sister had gone to a party where she drank & tried weed. I heard him yelling at her saying that she was just gonna turn out like me & she snapped back at him "Good because where the f*** were you!? As far as I remember you were the one who hurt us & HE was the only person who was ever there for me so why the f*** would I want to be anything like YOU? Thank GOD I'm like my brother". He had tears in his eyes & went to go hug her but she pushed him away & told him "you're too late for that".
That hurt just to read again because I remember how I felt when I heard that. They didn't even know I was there but I was used to hearing everybody talk down about me. I heard her stand up for me with more passion than I'd ever heard anybody give for me. Yet I still felt shitty for being the bad example.
Another part of the song mentioned a time when he began to yell at me. I just turned 18 & I was done fighting him anymore. Both physically & verbally I was done. I felt too broken & when he started to yell at me all I did was look at him & say nothing. I had no more fight left for him. I think he could see in my eyes how much pain I was in. I heard his tone change instantly & I knew he lost all his anger at that moment. He went from "What the f*** is wrong with you!?" to "I don't know what to do to help you". I told him "just leave me the f*** alone" & I walked out. I didn't come back home for weeks. When I did I came back drunk, went back out, got arrested, came home from jail drunk again, & that was it. That was when he was finally done with me. That was the last time I'd seen or spoke to him for the next 4 to 5 years.
I wrote that song in the middle of the time we weren't speaking. That was my way of letting go of my anger & beginning to accept the past for what it was. I didn't even write about the abuse because I didn't want to hold on to that anymore. I just wrote about the things I regretted myself. Nobody ever saw it but me but that's fine because it was only meant for me. I'm just shocked I found it again. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. It's like I felt it all over again.
There's other songs I found as well but that one hit me the hardest. My dad & I have a rough history & when people hear me say anything about my childhood they mention what a terrible person he must be. In my mind, we traded abuse. He started first & as I got older I abused him back. I weakened him I believe because he's not the same anymore. None of my other siblings dealt with the things my sister & I did.
Maybe that's why we turned out the worst too 🤷 who knows
